What are Little Girls Made of?

Episode 7: What are Little Girls Made Of?

Netflix Summary: “The Enterprise’s search for famous scientist Roger leads Kirk to a deserted planet where Roger, who lives with two lifelike androids, turns on Kirk.” (Accuracy rating: 3/10 for too many “Rogers”)

This is a deceptive title, for starters. I thought it was going to be about little girls. It’s not. It’s about little androids. It should be called “What are Little Androids Made Of?” and the answer would be “weird green goopy stuff”. Fortunately, this is another one where The Great Shatner gets to show off how great he is. (hint: on a scale from 1 to Frosted Flakes, he’s like a 97.)

We open with Nurse Chapel on the bridge- looks like they’re trying to find her ex-fiance’ on the planet below or something. Nobody’s heard from him for FIVE YEARS. Turns out this dude is super famous and smart. And, guess what? He’s ALIVE!!! Cue dramatic music, aaaaand… cut to opening credits!

SIDE NOTE while the credits roll: There is NO DOCTOR MCCOY IN THIS EPISODE. There’s his nurse, but not him. I mean, really. Who wrote this episode, Spock??

Sigh. Time to compensate. With CLASS.

Scientist Man Roger asks that Jim beam down alone- sounds fishy to me! Roger says Christine Chappypants can come down too- and calls her darling about 27 times. Wait a minute, is this a kissing show? Where are all the sports?

When they get to the planet, there’s nobody there! Jim wants two red shirts to come down. Oh, Jim, when will you ever learn? DON’T LET THE REDSHIRTS ON THE PLANET! He even leaves one ALONE at the entrance to the creepy caves. Nice touch, Captain Smartypants. The other red shirt goes along with Kirk and promptly gets pushed into a bottomless pit by the Munster’s butler.

A dude shows up that is not Roger- it’s his assistant Brownie, and he is a total creeper. Seriously. This guy won Creeper of the Year. Twice. In fact, they made the award up just for him. Had a ceremony and everything. They invited his friend the Companion Cube, but it couldn’t come because it was too creeped out.

Jim checks in with the Redshirt #2 just before the Munster’s butler takes HIM out too! I think we need a moment of silence for our fallen Reds. Seriously, we’re like 7 minutes in. This has to be a record.

Brownie takes them to a multi-colored room where they meet a TOTAL BABE named Andrea. She is not wearing a whole terrible lot of clothes. Christine kills her with her eyes. And, guess what? Roger is there too! He and Chappy have a super touching reunion scene that is a little melodramatic. Ok, REALLY melodramatic. I feel like they need to kill off another Red Shirt to compensate for all the lovey-dovey going on here.

Jim tries to communicate with the ship, but Roger turns on him! Roger is apparently also a total creeper, by the way. We get a most awesome Kirk ninja-roll before he stuns Brownie and OH MY STARS FOR THE LOVE OF SPOCK HE IS AN ANDROID!!!! Aaaaaargh

Back on the ship, Spock checks in with Kirk but OH NO IT’S NOT KIRK IT’S THE MUNSTER BUTLER! His name is Rock. He is wearing a pretty floral dress. It’s a little ridiculous. But hey, he can do anybody’s voice, so it’s all good. Especially when Jim gets Roger to get Rock to promise to obey all of Christine’s orders. Apparently Rock was made by THE OLD ONES a bazillion years ago. Seriously though, his outfit is really distracting and it’s hurting my eyes.

Back in the family room, Roger tells Jim and Christine that Andrea is also an android. Chrissy is jealous, so Roger has Andrea kiss Jim. Then hit him. It’s ok, he’s probably used to women doing those things in that order.

We cut to King Arthur’s table where Jim is strapped down on one side and a blob of green stuff is on the other. If you’re wondering, the metal bar holding Kirk to the table is NOT a very good replacement for clothes. And he’s not wearing any clothes. None. Not even a sock. Nope. He’s naked. Totally naked. No clothes for Kirk.

…sorry, awkward Naked Kirk moment. The table spins and spins and spins and OH CRAP THERE ARE TWO KIRKS!!! Also I’m getting dizzy watching… blech.

Apparently the mind transfer isn’t complete though, so Jim (being smart and awesome) keeps saying racist things about Spock.

Chappy goes to eat lunch with Kirk. They talk a little and OH CRAP IT’S THE ANDROID!! That was low, man! Even I didn’t see that coming! Oh man, I feel totally duped. Not cool, Android Kirk. Not cool.

Real Jim comes in with Roger, now in the spectacular 2-tones outfit that everyone gets to wear on that planet. Some sweet special effects let us see Kirk talk to Kirk. Oh, The Great Shatner, you are so stinkin great.

Finally we see just how far off the deep end of the crazy pool Roger is- he wants to convert everyone into androids programmed to only be happy all the time. That might be useful during rush hour, but… yeah, still creepy.

Jim pulls a classic “keep talking while I get this rope off my chair and use it to strangle you while I escape”. Roger sends Rock after him but Christine tells him not to hurt the captain! Kirk’s attempt to beat up Rock with an awkward-looking stalactite is totally foiled (or should I say… styrofoamed?), and Rock takes him to solitary confinement.

Meanwhile, Android Kirk is on the ship. Spock is VERY SURPRISED to see him. He tries to find out what’s going on and Android Kirk is totally racist to him! Spock plans to take some buddies down to the planet after Android Kirk goes, because obviously something is wrong if his bffl is being racist to him.

In Real Jim’s room on the planet, Real Jim tries to get Andrea to be all confused by kissing her. It pretty much works. Then he messes with Rock’s head and gets him to turn against Roger. Good thing Roger has a phaser. So long, floral-clad Munster butler!

Roger’s hand gets caught in the door and OH SNAP HE’S AN ANDROID TOO!!! Christine has had enough of this mess.  So have I. If one more person turns out to be an android, I’m going to lose it.

Beep beep! Spock is somewhere in the tunnels! Roger sends Andrea to find him. She bumps into a Kirk who won’t kiss her, so she shoots him. We all have days like that, girlfriend. She freaks out when she realizes that she shot Android Kirk! Roger proves he’s a computer while trying to prove he’s not a computer. Andrea has lost her crap completely and she and Roger phaser each other.

Spock arrives right after all the important stuff is over. Great timing, Spock! Way to go.

Back on the bridge, Spock expresses his dismay at Jim’s choice of the term “half-breed”. Jim is cheeky right back and it’s smiles all around.

THE END.