Balance of Terror

Episode 14: Balance of Terror

Netflix Summary: “After Romulan war birds destroy Federation outposts, the Enterprise pursues them. Similarities between them and Vulcans spark bigotry against Spock.” (Accuracy Rating: 7/10. I took off 3 points because I’m still mad about that last one.)

In the ship’s, uh, chapel, or something, everyone is all happy. There’s a WEDDING going on today! Lil girl who looks like she’s 12 is marrying Lil boy who looks like he’s 15. Probably some kind of child bride space treaty or something. It’s so sweet and stuff, aaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAH! RED ALERT! Sorry, kids, your wedding will have to wait- space is happening!

During the credits, I’d like to point out that whoever made this episode is officially my favorite, as Bones was present in the FIRST SCENE. Finally, they’ve figured out who everybody came to see.

The Enterprise is patrolling between Romulus and Remus, and Outpost 4 has said they’re under attack. Speed is maximum but Scotty can get more BECAUSE HE IS AWESOME. I think we officially need a moment to bask in the glory of McCoy and Scott.

Jim wants to know who attacked Outpost 4- the guy in Chekov’s chair this week says there can’t be much doubt, unless you’re us, in which case you have no idea what the heck is going on. Fortunately, Jim has Spock pull up an infographic of the NEUTRAL ZONE. Pay attention, kids, this is important. There are little outpost asteroids on the good side. No human has apparently ever seen a Romulan because when they had wars, it was a long time ago and there was no Skype or something. I don’t know, he kind of lost me and I got hungry and went to get some cookies.

Jim says to everyone that they do NOT get to enter the Neutral Zone. NonChekov is a little bit too big for his britches, getting all loud with James Tiberius Kirk.

Apparently two of the other outposts have been completely destroyed! Call battle stations, Mr. Sulu! They get back in contact with Outpost 4. Outpostian Dude sounds like an 87 year old smoker… oh, that’s probably because the asteroid is all on fire and stuff. The ship that attacked them disappeared, but now it’s back! They get a quick look at it on the screen before it BLOWS UP THE OUTPOST!

They’ve got a blip on the radar but they can’t see anything on the screen! Spock says invisibility is possible. Thanks, Spock- I didn’t figure that out 30 seconds ago when that ship BECAME INVISIBLE. Apparently the blip ship is meandering away and can’t see the Enterprise. It’s headed back toward the neutral zone… and HOME.

Jim’s going to have Sulu and NotChekov parallel the blip and make them think it’s a ghost. NotChekov is so completely out of line, I’m surprised that Jim doesn’t slap him!

Ahura (being awesome) manages to get a video transmission from the blip. Spock puts it on the screen and OH SNAP, Romulans look JUST LIKE VULCANS!

Guess who also looks like a Vulcan? SPOCK. Everyone keeps giving him the stink eye, especially Mr. NotChekov. Jim tells him to leave any bigotry in his quarters- there’s no room for it on the bridge!

Up ahead, the Romulans have stopped being invisible. Sulu stays right on them.

On the Romulan ship, Captain Romulan does not believe that they are running from a reflection. He makes them go invis again. Turns out he’s ready to be home. He tells his buddy, Centurian Grey Hair, that the Earth vessel is doing what he would do. He’s not too keen on helping start another war. Blah blah blah, and time for more cookies.

Meeting in the briefing room! Spock has a thing that shows the Romulans’ weapon is ridiculous. Bones is emotional, as always, and I LOVE HIM FOR IT. Scotty says the Enterprise can totally outrun the Roms. NotChekov says they need to ATTACK RIGHT NOW OMG GET THEM! Also he is borderline racist to Spock. Good thing Spock agrees that they should fight. He says the Roms are total Spartans. Looks like they’re all headed toward a comet, so they’re going to try to hit the Rom ship when it becomes visible in the comet tail. Jim hopes they won’t need Bones’ services. I hope they do. I mean, not the doctoring part, just the general awesomeness. Can’t have too much of that. Ever.

The Roms are going to try to use the comet to shake the Earthians. ESCAPE MANEUVER 1!

Jim figures out that they got ditched (that’s exactly what he would have done!). The only thing left to do is just start shooting at random crap til they hit the invisible ship. Somehow it works, but I’m calling shenans.

Captain Romulan’s friend Centurian Grey Hair gets all crushed by some shipness that fell on him.

Control circuit burnout on the Enterprise! ARGH THE ROMULANS ARE COMING FOR THEM! Roms shoot but Jim emergency warps the heck out of there! The Roms torpedoey thingy is getting closer! It starts dissipating but still throws everybody across the bridge. You know what this means? Limited range! Jim says to go back and shadow the Roms again.

The Rom captain says something nice about Jim again. He’s so very polite.

Bones is not cool about crossing the Neutral Zone. I agree with him, because he hypnotized me with his melodious voice and I have no choice. Since shooting at random crap worked so well last time, they try it again and, somehow, hit the Roms. Nice. Jim decides they for sure have to go into the Neutral Zone.

The Rom captain says something nice about Jim. Again. I feel like maybe the two of them ought to just sit down and have a cup of tea or something to work this whole thing out. I mean, come on, guys, you are obviously BFFL material.

Captain Rom says to throw out a bunch of junk and the dead Centurian- maybe the Enterprise will think they’ve been blowed up.

Spock isn’t fooled! Also, they lost the other ship. I don’t know how, they just did. Jim decides to chill there until the Roms move again.

10 hours later, Jim is fake napping when Bones comes in (HOORAY) and, after Jim is angsty, delivers the single best speech of his, ever.

Spock accidentally pushes a button! EEK! Now the Roms know where they are!

Jim turns the power on and starts going backwards. Fire phasers! GOT EM!

The Roms figure out that they’re beaten. Yup. That’s what happens when you go up against JAMES TIBERIUS LUMBER TRUCKING KIRK. Conveniently, they have a nuclear warhead aboard. They throw it at the Enterprise and WABAM!, barely any damage. Haha, Romulans. Haha.

Jim sends NotChekov down to weapons because apparently every one of the guys in weapons had to go see McCoy. I don’t blame them, I’d want to go see McCoy too, but we’re in the middle of a battle here! Come on!

Jim’s going to have them play dead and get the Roms back.

Captain Rom doesn’t trust Kirk. He gets peer pressured into attacking anyway.

Down in the weapons area, NotChekov is officially racist to Spock. I officially throw a cookie at the screen.

There’s  some kind of purple gas leak in the weapons room! It knocks out NotChekov right when the Roms show up- who will fire the phasers??

Spock saves the day, of course! BYE, ROMULANS!

Jim gets the Roms on the screen for a little skyping. He wants to save the Roms that are left. Captain Rom says they have to all die, but thanks for the offer. Also, Captain Rom thinks he and Kirk could’ve been friends.

I’m not going to cry… I’m not going to cry… then Capt Rom blows his ship up. Jim is all sad faced. So am I. 

In sick bay, Bones saves NotChekov who is totally not racist anymore. Too bad they didn’t save that 15 year old who was going to get married, sad face again.

Janice says they finally heard back from Starfleet, who said do whatever you want, Kirk! Thanks for the prompt response, Starfleet. Not like they were about to get killed by Romulans or anything. I mean, was EVERYONE on coffee break for the past 12 hours?

Jim goes to talk to that 12 year old who was getting married. He’s really sweet and she’s not even remotely sad. I knew it was an arranged space child bride thing! Then she leaves and we get to watch Kirk walk contemplatively through the hallway before the credits roll.