Dagger of the Mind

Episode 9: Dagger of the Mind

Netflix Summary: “A deranged doctor escapes to the Enterprise form a planetary penal colony. As Kirk investigates, he is brainwashed by the colony’s maniacal director.” (Accuracy rating: 5/10 for first sentence being correct)

SCENE: Transporter Room: Two Red Shirts are trying to beam a bunch of drugs somewhere when Kirk walks in. The beaming doesn’t work, and Kirk reminds them that it’s a penal colony with a force field. Stupid Red Shirts. Everyone knows you have to get security clearance to beam drugs to a penal colony! One CLASSIFIED thing is beamed up. It’s a large box that couldn’t possibly be big enough for, say, an escaped convict to hide in.

One Red Shirt leaves and oh, wait, there IS an escaped convict in the box. Who totally saw that coming? It’s me. TOTALLY saw that coming. Give me a medal, etc., I saw that coming. Red Shirt #2 is turned the other way (conveniently)! Crazy Convict Man judo chops him right out of commission and narrowly escapes people in the hallway. *CUE DRAMATIC MUSIC* and opening credits.

By the way, no Dr. Leonard McCoy on the opening credits yet. It's tragic, and it makes me sad, so I made my own credits to compensate.

Jim and Kirk are talking about how penal colonies are like resorts now when the colony calls up to say someone is MISSING… someone VIOLENT. Security Alert 3, everyone! Crazy Convict Man takes out ANOTHER Red Shirt- we may be headed for a new record on this one.

Dr. Adams from the planet says Escaped Crazy Convict Man is dangerous! Bones and Spock have some verbal sparring and OH CRAP CRAZY CONVICT MAN IS ON THE BRIDGE!!!!!!!!!! He’s got a phaser and he wants the captain! The guy says he doesn’t want to go back to the planet and Kirk says ok, give me your phaser and we’ll talk.  Meanwhile, Spock sneaks up behind and totally neck pinches the lumber trucker.

In sick bay, Bones says the guy is soooo weird and he wants to study him. When Crazy Convict Man tries to say his own name, he totally freaks out! Something isn’t cool here! He says they’ve erased whatever he knew and then he screams really loud at Bones, which is totally uncalled for. Bones pays him back with a hypo.

Spock tells Jim that Crazy Convict Man is a doctor and not a convict- what does it all MEAN? Kirk intends to find out- he calls Dr. Adams and Adams says Crazy Doctor Man got fried by a beam… voluntarily. Bones doesn’t believe him but he can’t explain it and that’s not good enough for Jim. Spock interrupts with an epic smirk and Bones gives his best exasperated face. Bones is convinced something is wrong and gives a touché which Spock also smirks to. Adams says Jim can come down himself to investigate, and Jim gives Bones a burn right back by not letting him come down to the planet. It’s like a burnfest on the bridge. Seriously. I would NOT want to be on the receiving end of Spock, McCoy, and Kirk’s combined sarcastic wit.

Spock heads to the planet with a hot lady doctor who apparently has, um, MET Jim before. Spock finds this raaaather amusing and totally trolls Jim. Well played, Spock.

The elevator WHOOSHES Jim and Lady Doctor down about a million floors and they meet Dr. Adams who is, shockingly, a creeper. He tries to be charming but it’s not working on me!

On their tour, Jim comes across an “experiment that went wrong”. He wants to know what it is and the obnoxious Lady Doctor is SO OBNOXIOUS to him, I just want to slap her! For real! Nobody talks to James Tiberius Kirk that way, Lady Doctor!

Back on the ship, Spock and Bones are getting closer to the truth with the crazy man. Apparently there’s some room at the prison that he can’t talk about without screaming, so Bones has to give him another hypo. We definitely beat the record for the amount of hypos in an episode, here. Bones is like a superhero. Hypo Man… I like it.

On the planet, it turns out Jim is looking at the exact thing Crazy Doctor Man was talking about!!! Jim is so suspicious. Lady Doctor is obnoxious AGAIN. Adams says crazy man hurt himself with that beam thingy… Jim’s not so sure.

On the ship, Spock is talking to Jim, but he’s not sure about how to say what’s wrong because Adams is in the room. Adams leaves and Spock tries to warn Jim but Lady Doctor is SO OBNOXIOUS OH MY GOSH. Bones isn’t having any of it. Jim decides to spend the night there and crazy man says NOOOOOOOOO so Spock says check in every 4 hours. I don’t know how Jim’s supposed to get a good night’s sleep if he’s gotta call Spock every 4 hours, but hey, whatevs. Maybe I’m the only one who gets cranky without an uninterrupted 8 hours.

Spock’s gonna do THE FIRST EVER MIND MELD ON THE SHOW! WOohoooooo! Oh, wait, he’s not sure… could be dangerous… and Bones tells him DO IT SPOCK, Jim Kirk could be in trouble down there! And NOBODY says no to Dr. McCoy!

Meanwhile, Jim tries to get advice from Lady Doctor about the patients being all blank and stuff. Lady Doctor is obnoxious again and I have to resist the urge to keep yelling Mean Girls references at her.

Mind melded Crazy Doctor Man says Adams can erase a memory and replace it with whatever he wants. I have to say, that kind of technology would be REALLY convenient when it’s Friday and you want to leave early… but probably my boss would not appreciate it.

Jim’s going to have obnoxious Lady Doctor use the wacky beam on him. It totally feels like that part in a scary movie where they stop at the creepy dilapidated gas station in the middle of BFN and everyone knows they’re going to be horribly murdered but they go inside ANYWAY and you yell and yell at the tv screen but nobody can hear you and it’s too late anyway aaaaaaaaaaaaack!

 …Lady Doctor uses the beam thingy and Jim immediately forgets it! Turns out suggestions work when it’s on, so she suggests that Jim hooked up with her at the Christmas Party. Ugh. Can she be any more desperate??? SERIOUSLY I CAN’T STAND HER ANYMORE PLEASE SOMEBODY STOP HER oh, good, here comes Adams. Too bad he’s a bad guy (again, saw that coming!). He suggests that Jim is IN LOVE with Helen and can’t live without her!!!  And he has Jim get rid of his phaser and communicator!

We find Jim and Helen (Lady Doctor- she gets a name now, as I’m almost over my blind absolute hatred of her) in the room where Jim remembers what happened and opens up the air duct. He sends her through after explaining what air conditioning is. I guess that’s a lost technology in the space age. Baddies come for Jim and give him another treatment as Helen makes for the power supply.

By the way: The Great Shatner is so great in this. Seriously. I feel like I say that a lot, but hey, truth is truth. The Great Shatner is so flipping GREAT.

Helen makes it to the power room and, back on the ship, Spock is upset because the transporter isn’t working! Helen turns off the power so Jim can punch his way out of the treatment room. Then Helen ELECTROCUTES a dude!!! The force field is gone! Spock heads down to save his bffl! Spock turns some power back on and Adams is stuck in the treatment room so he gets all treated and stuff!

Jim and Helen meet up in the room… Spock walks in and is not terribly surprised to find Jim kissing somebody. I mean, come on, this is James T. Kirk. No species can resist his charm. True story.

They all try to save Adams but it’s too late, he’s dead. Lucky for them, Bones is there to say so. Seriously, the ONLY reason he beamed down was to tell Jim that somebody is dead. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll take Bones any chance I get, but you’d think he would’ve taught SOMEBODY how to take a pulse by now! I mean, come on, Jim, you’re a flipping Starfleet Captain and you can’t tell if somebody is dead?

Back on the ship, Jim finds out that Not Crazy Anymore Doctor Man destroyed the bad machine. Bones is really sympathetic and everyone looks meaningfully at each other before Jim snaps back to being awesome.

THE END.