Miri

Episode 8: Miri

Netflix Summary: “The Enterprise arrives on a planet where a virus puts humans in a chronic childlike state. When Kirk and the team become victims, only Bones can help.” (Accuracy rating: Not even close/10, with 10 points for mentioning Bones)

The Enterprise is receiving an old-Earth style “SOS” distress signal from a planet, but they’re too far from Earth for a colony! What could it MEAN?

BONES ARRIVES, looking awesome as usual. The show can begin now. I missed you last episode, Bones. I did. I seriously did. I love you. Hello. Welcome back. Can I hug you? No? Ok, that’s fine. I still love you. Ok.

Apparently the planet below is another Earth! Florida comes into view on the screen- that’s how I know. Florida’s the best.

No response to communication? Time for a landing party!

Conveniently, the alt. Earth is built like the 1960s of our Earth. BUT, it’s been deteriorating for centuries! Dun dun duuuuun! Bones looks at a tricycle and OH MY STARS THERE’S A ZOMBIE!!!! Ok, maybe he’s not a zombie, but he sure as heck looks like one! Jim gives him the ol’ right hook and he starts going on like he’s 3 years old… weirdo… and then he dies.  We know this, because Bones says so. Seriously, Bones, what would we do without you?

The gang hears noises and rushes into Scooby-Doo’s house. In the closet, they find Justin Beiber! I mean, a preteen girl! She’s really sad and scared and makes you want to give her a hug. Turns out all the Grups (grown-ups, get it? SO CLEVER) went batcrap crazy and died. Little Girl’s name is Miri, and when Jim is nice she totally starts mackin on him (psh, who wouldn’t?).

Jim gets Miri to take them to the records place by being all charming and stuff and OH CRAP WHAT’S THAT ON HIS HAND? They all have these crazy splotches! Miri says that’s how it started last time! Perfect. Bones needs some better equipment so he can figure out what’s wrong, dammit! Seems like Spock is the only one who is immune… Green-blooded hobgoblin.

Looks like the deadsy Grups were trying to prolong life. I’m thinking it did not work. Spock figures out that the kids are all 300 years old and turn into deadsies when they get to puberty.

Jim turns up the charm and gets Miri to take him to see the other kids. I’d like to point out that the casting department managed to find the most obnoxious, horrible children of all time. Seriously, they are totally nightmare-inducing weirdo children. They plan to steal the communicators. Also they are creepy.

Spock finds out they have SEVEN DAYS to find a cure or they will DIE! No pressure, everybody. Especially Spock and Bones. Ok, a little pressure. And only on Spock and Bones.

The creepy kids manage to steal the communicators! Now they’re cut off from the ship’s computers!! What will they DO??

Everyone is getting a little testy in the lab. Janice Hairsauce totally freaks out and Jim has to give her a snuggle so she feels better. I totally expected him to start singing Soft Kitty but, sadly, it did not happen.

Quick update: McCoy is awesome. Also, he’s found the disease they need to cure! YAY BONES!

Miri is totally jealous of Janie and tries to get the other creepy kiddos to kidnap her and they somehow do it.

Spock and Bones have found an antidote because they are AWESOME!!!!

…only problem is, they don’t know the dosage! They could kill a brotha! They can’t figure it out without the computers and they can’t use the computers without the communicators! No pressure, Jim, but you should probably find them. Like NOW.

Jim tells Miri the horrible truth about all the kids getting the disease and that SHE’S NEXT! Little Girl actress is flipping amazing and made me tear up a little. Just a little, though. Not a lot. Like, Hallmark commercial tears, not Rose getting trapped in an alternate universe tears.

Anyway, Miri takes Jim to see the creeper childrens and Yeoman Hair. Jim gets hit on the head and they keep saying BLAH BLAH BLAH! He shuts them up by being really clever-

…and finally convinces the kiddos of the truth! There is hope for all!!!

Spock thinks he has the right dosage but won’t let McCoy try it. He leaves the room for two seconds and Bones has to go and be all heroic by taking the potentially lethal dosage of the drug. …apparently it doesn’t feel so good.

Poor Spock is totally worried about his bffl Dr. McCoy! Jim rushes in with all the kids to find HIS bffl Dr. McCoy lying on the floor!!! OH NOES! But wait- the sores are going away! Spock will never understand the medical mind, and I will never understand why they cast such creepy children in this episode. Yeesh.

Back on the ship, we wrap up with a little Kirky humor about older women. Oh Jim, u so funny.

THE END