The Corbomite Maneuver

Episode 10: The Corbomite Maneuver

Netflix Summary: “The Enterprise narrowly escapes from imposing alien Balok’s starship, but when Balok transmits a distress call, Kirk and the crew go to his aid.” (Accuracy Rating: 10/10! Totally accurate Netflix summary! 10 points to Gryffindor!)

Dadadaaaaaaaaaaaa the Enterprise floating in space! It appears they are the first to get to where they are, so they’re making star maps. Sulu has a new friend named Not Chekov… I mean, Bailey. He’s not Chekov. He’s not even Russian, and he has a horse face.

An object is coming at them! It’s… the Windows 3D flowerbox screensaver?

They can’t steer around it. Mr. Bailey yells and Spock tells him not to yell- what a troll, he was JUST yelling 2 seconds ago!

Meanwhile, Jim is down in sick bay for his physical, which he is NOT enjoying. Bones doesn’t tell him about the flashy red light for alert. What is he, a doctor or a moon shuttle conductor???

If he jumped every time a light came on around here, he’d end up talking to himself… oh wait, he is. lolz.

Sweaty Shirtless Kirk swaggers to the elevator. That’s right, SWAGGERS.

Bailey Notchekov tries to defend his yelling but Spock is having none of it. Sulu tells him if you try to cross brains with Spock, he’ll cut you to pieces every time.

All the department heads can’t figure out what the cube is! Bailey votes they blast it. Kirk will keep that in mind… when this becomes a democracy. Oh Dictator Kirk, u so funny!

18 hours later, they’ve got nothing. Spock thinks it might be space flypaper. Bailey is being pretentious again and Kirk is having NONE of it. Slap that little boy down, Jim! They try to pull away from the cube and, shockingly, can’t. Spock yells again. It’s not cool. Neither is the increased radiation! Aaaargh

They try to blast it and it totally works! Now Jim has to decide if they’re going ahead or not. Jim says that Spock gives him emotional security. That doesn’t really work for me, I need Dr. McCoy… who conveniently arrives on the bridge in time to hear Kirk telling the crews to run drills. He doesn’t like this and says so in the elevator. Jim doesn’t believe him.

Bones thinks Jim promoted Bailey too fast. Jim quotes something else that Bones says he never says either. Janie McHair brings in Jim’s dinner… it’s salad. Bones says Jim needs to lose weight, hahahahaha. …WHAT? We were all thinking it!

All hands to battle stations! This is NOT a drill! Spock: “Tractor beam, something’s grabbed us, hard!”

The thing that tractored them looks like gaudy jewelry. Probably it is, actually, but it’s a mile across. Bailey fails AGAIN. They contact the costume jewelry planetoid thingy and some dude named Balok says he’s gonna blow them up for destroying his cube. Jim says, “Shoo, Balok, you crazy!” and Balok says, “SHUT IT I WILL DESTROY U IF U MOVE!”

Bailey fails again again. Again. Balok says they have 10 minutes before they are space dust. Bones and Scotty arrive on the bridge WOOT

Jim tells Balok they will leave, and Balok makes loud noises in the ship. He’s so rude. He has disabled the engines and weapons, also rude.

Spock has a visual… OH CRAP it’s a multicolored Dracula dude! No, really. It looks like Dracula got a new paint job, and it’s creeping me out.

Jim is feeling a little despondent and Bailey has a total freak out. Bones is very sweet and compassionate and I feel like he would probably give really great hugs.

Jim has had enough of fooling around, but his impassioned speeches are having no effect! What’s this, an alien immune to the charm of James Tiberius Kirk??? IMPOSSIBLE!

Spock’s best recommendation is that they’ve lost the chess game. Bones is back (HOLLAR!) and has a few choice words for Jim, who totally yells at his bffl!!! Too bad they only have 3 minutes left and they can’t go on arguing.

WAIT, A REVELATION FROM JAMES TIBERIUS KIRK: Not chess, poker! He hails Balok and tells him they have a CORBOMITE DEVICE to use- any destructive force on the Enterprise will create an equal force right back, destro-BALOK INTERRUPTS HIM, RUDE-ying the attacker.

He further embellishes by saying no one has ever survived a corbomite attack and that they have grown annoyed at Balok’s foolishness. Everyone gives Jim extreme looks of awe. This is common when one experiences the wonder that is The Great Shatner.  

Jim says sorry to Bones and Bones says it’s his fault. McCoy you are so classy I totally can’t stand it.

One minute left………….

…………

……………

Bailey comes back to the bridge to prove he’s cool. Jim says ok and everyone’s tense levels hit crazy mode with 10 seconds to go.

And…. Nothing happens! Err’body change your Depends now, looks like we’re good. Spock says he thinks poker is very interesting and Bones says he’ll teach it to him… lol. I’d totally pay to see that.

Balok says destruction has been delayed and wants proof of the corbomite device. Jim says wait for it… wait for it...

BAM! Balok the rainbow vampire comes back on screen and says “plz stand by kthx, plus also Imma take u to prison planet and destroy ur ship teehee.” (No, I don’t know why Balok uses textspeak. It’s a rainbow vampire thing, you wouldn’t understand.)

In his log, Jim wonders if Balok will grow careless… conveniently, he immediately does. They’re gonna try to be all Kelly Clarkson on this sucker and break away.

IT WORKS!

Balok signals to say his ship is dead and he’s about to be! Jim, being classy and awesome and everything good in the world, decides to save him. Bones is a little concerned but Jim shuts him down with a lil Prime Directive Action. Dr. McCoy and Bailey get to go along with Jim to see the face of the unknown aka “Rainbow Dracula”.

Scotty transports the heck out of the away team and they end up in a short little ship! There’s the Vampire… but what’s this? It’s a PUPPET! Balok turns out to be… a creepy little kid????? Seriously? Seriously, a creepy little kid with a grown man’s voice. I can’t make this crap up. Balok says take a seat, fellas, while I get you some punch. I promise it’s not poisoned… here, I’ll drink some. Obviously NONE OF THEM have seen The Princess Bride because they’re all, “Hey, he drank it and didn’t die! Bet we can too!”

It turns out the whole shebang was Balok’s way of testing them. He’s all alone and needs a buddy… maybe someone from the Enterprise? (if he takes Bones, I’ll kill him!) Jim thinks that’s a great idea, and Bailey volunteers. Congrats, Jim- you get rid of your screw up, and Bailey gets to live in a tiny ship with a creepy childman and his Rainbow Dracula puppet. Everyone’s happy, the end.