The Squire of Gothos

Episode 17: The Squire of Gothos

Netflix Summary: “On a planet where Trelane, a childish alien fascinated by Napoleon, rules with godlike power, the Enterprise is captured. Kirk offers his life for it.” (Accuracy Rating: What the heck, Netflix?/10. Looks like the B team is back this week.)

Strap in, kids, this one’s a little crazy!

First, I have to say that whoever wrote this episode is my favorite. Why, you ask? I’ll tell you! Dr. Leonard H. McCoy arrives on screen in the first TWO SECONDS, YEAH BUDDY! Oh he is so wonderful. I love you, Bones! LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU. 

It’s coffee time on the bridge! They’re traveling through a Star Desert. Is it just me, or have we found the perfect name for the BFFL’s 80s pop band?

Bones and Jim are talking about the lovely things about deserts- oases, mirages, palm trees… Spock, of course, doesn’t understand. Suddenly, there’s something ahead of them! It’s a little planet! How did THAT get there? They decide to go around it, but Sulu and Kirk DISAPPEAR!!!

After the credits, Spock ships logs that they’re orbiting the random planet. Scotty says they’ve looked all over the ship for Kirk and Sulu. Man, if I was on the Enterprise, I’d play hide and seek every stinkin day. That sounds so fun!

Also, we’ve made some new friends this week. Their names are DeSalle and Jaeger. Welcome, friends! DeSalle and Bones want to go down to the planet immediately to look for their buds. Jaeger says the planet can’t support life at all. Way to be a buzzkill, Jaeger.

They get a message on a screen: “Greetings and Felicitations! Hip-hip-hoorah! Tallyho!” These phrases are all listed under “Things it’s incredibly super funny to hear Spock say”. Bones is excited because there’s life on the planet! Spock tells Scotty he doesn’t get to go- Scotty has a sad face. Aww.

Bones, Jaeger, and DeSalle all beam down with their cute little oxygen masks on. Don’t ask me why they aren’t wearing any other protective gear- what am I, a doctor or a… wait… um… Ahem. It doesn’t matter anyway- they end up in a place that’s exactly the same as earth! Too bad their communicators don’t work! Deedee’s going to try to find open ground for his beacon. He doesn’t find any. Guess what he DOES find? A CASTLE!! No, seriously. It’s a castle. Obligatory McCoy fighting a dragon picture in 3… 2… 1…

(because it's my blog and I can, that's why!)

Inside, they find all kinds of antique crap sitting around, along with KIRK AND SULU! They are frozen! The door closes abruptly and OH CRAP THERE’S A CREEPY DUDE PLAYING THE HARPSICHORD! (Yes, harpsichord. It’s like a piano. Stay with me here, kids.) Creepy dude is RAHthah British and, thankfully, he unfreezes Jim and Sulu. Apparently Earth is his hobby, but since he’s 900 light years away, he thinks they’re still in the 1700s! Oh, Squire, you are so silly!

Two seconds later, Jim has had all he can stand of this wacko. Trelane is all excited about DeSalle because he’s French. It happens. Dee tries to stun him but seriously, dude, he’s looking in a huge mirror! You didn’t think he’d see you??

Trelane takes Deedee’s phaser and starts playing with it. That’s a good way for someone to get hurt! The Great Shatner is so captainy, it makes me want to cheer. HUZZAH.

Squire Man says he can create anything he wants by rearranging matter. Then he has enough of Jim’s haste to leave and says they CAN’T go! Lemme show you why- and he sends Jim outside where it’s dangerous! Then he brings him back in and says FOOL NOBODY LEAVES MY CASTLE MWAHAHA… something like that.

Back on the ship, Spock and Scotty have the sensors working. They’ve found Trelane’s little happy bubble of life, hooray! They’re going to just beam up anybody they can find there. Sounds like a good plan.

On the planet, Bones tells Jim and Sulu that creeper doesn’t even exist according to his stealthy tricorder readings. Also, the fire has no heat. Jim tries to appeal to Trelane’s sense of duty, but Trelane says they all have to stay until this is over! When will it be over? When it is, of course!

Jim says “Dude, there are 400 people missing us, men and women!” WOMEN?? Oh, how exciting! Trelane wants all the ladies to come down for the party!

Too bad for him there’s a transporter signal! Kirk says the party’s over, thanks to Mr. Spock. I feel like that’s probably something people say often. Still, they make it aboard the ship and Kirk says GET THE HECK OUT OF HERE!

…But they can’t, because Trelane totally apparates onto the bridge! He’s all mad at Spock for taking his friends away! Jim says GET OFF MY SHIP. Suddenly, they are ALL back on the planet- all the bridge dudes plus Ahura and a blonde chick! Deedee tries to go after Trelane (again, yes)… Trelane laughs it off, then says YOU CAN’T PROVOKE ME AGAIN! …Creeper. Also, it’s time for dinner.

Trelane calls Spock ill-mannered (BURN)! Then he wants to dance with blondie and makes Ahura play the harpsichord! WHAT? Jim is so unhappy about the whole thing. I think maybe he needs a hug. Bones says the food and drink have no taste. Spock doesn’t find that unexpected- Trelayne knows all earth’s forms, but none of its substance.

They decide there must be some source of power that they might be able to destroy. The great big mirror probably has something to do with it. Time for The Great Shatner to be totally great and act all jealous and stuff. He’s so, so great. Trelane pulls out DUELING PISTOLS! Woohoo we’re gonna have an old timey duel!

Trelane says he gets to shoot first- it’s his game and his rules! If they don’t play along, he’ll shoot Spock! Ok, fine. Good thing Trelane shoots the ceiling instead of Kirk!!! Shoooooooooooooooooo, that was close!

 Kirk’s turn- he shoots the MIRROR! BOOM explosions and cartoony sounds and things go crazy and they can contact the ship again! Trelane is so mad right now! Then he DISAPPEARS! They all get beamed up and warp the flip out of there!

BUT WAIT! Trelane’s planet is right in front of them! They can’t get away from it! Jim’s going to beam down and make that crazy man give up the ship! He says if they don’t hear from him in an hour, leave!

Kirk finds himself in an old timey courtroom. Guess who the judge is? Yup, it’s General Squire Creepington himself. Oh, and he’s got a noose all ready. They argue back and forth and Jim tries to take the blame for everything so everyone else can go free.

Personal Log: THE GREAT SHATNER IS SO GREAT I CANNOT HANDLE IT.

Trelane is all excited about the fact that he got angry. He doesn’t get why Jim is still angry. Here comes the noose! Trelane is all upset because it’s too easy. Kirk says you’re a fool, Trelane! You’re totally wasting your chance to have some sport!

Personal Log: Captain Kirk is the cleverest of ALL the captains.

He suggests they take their little fight outside for a royal hunt! More hide and seek, hooray! Jim says since I’m letting you play, you should release the Enterprise! Trelane says ok, and Jim tries to call up and tell them to get the ship away as fast as they can. Oh, Jim, you are so awesome, sacrificing your life for your bffls and errbody!!! …too bad the communicator’s not working, boo.

Then he gets Trelane’s sword but can’t even cut him because he disappears! That hardly seems fair! They fight and fight and Jim runs some more. He still can’t get in touch with the ship and here comes Trelane! He puts Jim in a cage! Then he says he’s going to bring EVERYONE down from the ship to kill… I mean, play with. JAMES T. KIRK WILL NOT BE DEFEATED! He breaks Trelane’s sword and slaps him on the face!

Aaaand what is this? Why, it’s a lady glowy orb and a man glowy orb! They say “Trelane, it’s time to come in”. Oh my stars for the love of tribbles, Trelane is A KID!!! Mom and Dad say if you can’t take care of your pets, you can’t play at all. No, Trelane, time to go home! They apologize profusely to Jim, who gets himself back to the Enterprise with due haste. Cheerio and stuff.

On the bridge, Spock wants to know how they should classify Trelane. Jim says he’s a small boy, and a very naughty one at that! Jim talks about how all small boys play mischievous pranks, and then he has to say sorry to Spock for implying that he did, too. It’s funny.

THE END

P.S. I don’t know why Bones wasn’t on the bridge for that tender BFFL moment there at the end, but I’m going to let it slide because The Great Shatner was so great in this episode. Let's just hope it doesn't happen again.

THE END AGAIN

The Galileo Seven

Episode 16: the Galileo Seven

Netflix Summary: “Spock, Bones, Scotty, and others crash-land on a planet where they’re attacked by deadly giants. Spock risks their lives on a slim chance at rescue.” (Accuracy Rating: 9/10. Welcome back, A-Team of Netflix summarizers!)

Captain’s Log: They’re headed to drop off some important medicine to some place when they happen to pass another place that is RIPE with scientific discovery! Time to send a shuttle down with every one of Kirk’s besties on board. Our new friend Commissioner Man doesn’t like this but it’s a Quasar for heavens sake! Jim keeps saying no problem. We all know what he’s REALLY saying.

The Galileo takes off with Spock, Bones, and Scotty on board. Also several extras wearing various colors. The only Red Shirt is a girl so she’s probably safe. Suddenly the indicators go crazy! The Quasar is pulling them in and their communications are down!

On the Enterprise, they only heard the part about Galileo being out of control! None of the instruments work! Jim says finding a needle in a haystack would be child’s play compared to finding the Galileo in that mess! Commissioner Man smiles. SMILES.

Personal Log: I have found the person I’m going to want to punch all episode, and his name is Commissioner Man.

After the credits (which still do not include DEFOREST KELLEY), the Commie Man is all going on about how Jim has lost his crew. What a total jerk.  Jim says they have 2 days before they absolutely HAVE to leave. Ahura (being awesome) has found one planet that can support human life! Jim’s gonna have Sulu head that way.

Back on the now crashed Galileo, errbody needs attention from McCoy. INCLUDING ME. Blue Shirt says they were shot into the center of the Quasar. Spock asks McCoy to read the atmosphere- it’s breathable! Well, that’s convenient.

Spock is very logical and sends out two Yellow Shirts to scout. I know it’s all wrong, but there aren’t any Reds to spare on this one so we’ll just have to pretend. These guys seem to have realized that Yellow is the new Red, as they are kind of freaking out.

(I know that's a Red and not a Yellow. That's how I roll.)

McCoy asks if the Enterprise will be looking for them- Spock says they won’t be able to, and they may be stuck for a very long time. I’d like to point out that Bones is so cute when he is slouchy in a shuttle chair. Squee!

Back on the Enterprise, there’s no change. Commie is still a total jerk and Kirk is still totally awesome. He launches another shuttle.

Bones is talking to Spock about his big chance to command on logic. Spock responds logically. Inside, Scotty’s not having a whole heck of a lot of luck. They’ve lost a ton of fuel and can’t make escape velocity- also they need to lose 500 pounds. Since there is no “Biggest Loser: Quasar Edition”, Spock says that’s three whole people, and he would choose which ones. Shockingly, that doesn’t go over very well.

The Yellow Shirts on scout patrol hear noises and are, ahem, yellow. LOLS. They want to get out of there so they climb to the top of a cliff and one guy gets SPEARED RIGHT OFF THE CLIFF!

(Yes, I KNOW that’s a Red again. It just doesn't look right with Yellow. So there.)

The other guy shoots his phaser at probably nothing. When Spock and Blue Shirt arrive, Yellow Shirt says there are GIANTS! I couldn’t tell that by the ridiculously giant spear sticking out of Dead Yellow. Blue Shirt is all upset about Spock not caring about Yellow Shirt being dead.

Time to check in with the Enterprise! Jim is feeling like their efforts are futile. Shockingly, Commie is still a jerk.

McCoy has found a couple hundred pounds of stuff to get rid of, but they’re still 150 pounds short. Blue Shirt wants to have a funeral for Yellow Shirt. Spock says McCoy, you go say some words because I have to help Scotty! Everyone’s mad about that but… seems pretty reasonable to me. Then they lose whatever precious little fuel they had left!

Something’s happening outside! It’s those weird noises again! Blue and Yellow say to go attack the giants. Spock says no thanks, let’s try to scare them instead. Yellow and Blue are about to get suckerpunched if they don’t start following orders! They figure out that a group of giants is ahead of them- Spock says to shoot to the sides. Then Spock takes Blue back with him and leaves Yellow all by himself. Sucks to be you, new Red Shirt!

Back at the shuttle, Scotty has an idea BECAUSE HE’S BRILLIANT! He says he can use the phasers as an alternate fuel supply, but it won’t last long. Also, that will leave them without weapons! Spock says it doesn’t matter if they can keep orbit long because the Enterprise will have to give up searching in 24 hours.

Checkin in with the Enterprise again- looks like they’ve finally got the transporters working! Jim says luck is the only tool they have left now!

On the planet, Yellow Shirt is having a freakout fest. Also he’s having things thrown at him- AAAH HERE COMES A GIANT! Farewell, Yellow!

Spock, Bones, and Blue Shirt find out that Yellow is missing- Spock goes to find him. Blue is totally despondent and Bones is totally AWESOME.

Spock finds Yellow who is dead, shockingly. Spock proves he may have a heart after all and takes Yellow back to the shuttle. The giants start attacking!! McCoy points out that APPARENTLY they didn’t scare them off for long, boo! Spock is shocked, but Bones says they responded in a perfectly rational, emotional way. Then a giant starts banging on the shuttle with a boulder! Spock doesn’t understand why the giants arent’ being logical- he’s made logical decisions the whole time, yet two men are dead, the giants are attacking, and everyone hates him!

They need at least another hour before they can take off! What can they do??

Jim has instruments returning to normal because the ion storm is almost gone. He’s got away teams searching for his buds. Commie is SUCH A JERK. They have less than 3 hours left and their radios still don’t work. Jim says he’s going to continue the search, by candlelight if necessary, and tells Commie to keep his nose off the bridge! Also Commie’s going to take over command the second time runs out!

Spock says to use the batteries to electrify the outside of the ship! That means Scotty gets to wear fancy shiny gloves. It gets the giants to leave them alone, hooray! Spock says to lighten their load- Blue Shirt says he’s not leaving Yellow 2’s body behind without a burial. Spock says shoo, you crazy! I kind of agree. I mean, come on, Blue, let’s be a team player and try to not get everyone else killed by insane giants!

One of the Away Teams is beamed back to the ship- they were attacked by the giants! Now Jim is even more worried! Commie shows back up on the bridge and says their time is up and he’s taking over command of the ship! He tells Kirk to recall the search parties immediately and leave! NO JIM DON’T DO IT NOOOOOO YOUR BFFLS!!!

They’re all ready to go- they only have 23 minutes until the other shuttle gets back and they’ll have to leave!

The Galileo still can’t get in touch with the Enterprise. Scotty is ready for them to go. Spock gives them 10 minutes to bury Yellow #2 and then they’re leaving!

Kirk has no choice but to leave, but he’s gonna go as slowly as he possibly can! Take that, Commie Man!

Outside the shuttle, Spock gets his leg crunched by a huge rock and tells them to leave without him! They don’t, of course (BECAUSE BONES IS AWESOME). The boosters work- they’re moving!! Spock says by going after him, they may have damaged their chance at survival. Bones says “remind me to tell you that I’m sick and tired of your logic” and Spock says “that is a most illogical attitude”; both remain my absolute favorites.

Scotty says they’ve got enough for one orbit. Spock says they’ll for sure burn up after, and Scotty says “yeah but you said there are always alternatives!” The we get this little gem of Bones/Spock banter:

BEST. BFFLS. EVER.

They’ve only got about 45 minutes. Spock starts trying to contact the Enterprise but of course the radio doesn’t work. Then suddenly he gets an idea face! He jettisons their fuel and lights it on fire! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE SPOCK?? Now they only have 6 minutes before they plummet to the planet in a ball of flames!

On the Enterprise, Sulu has a confused face! They see a streak of something behind them at the planet! TURN AROUND SULU!!! OH MY STARS FOR THE LOVE OF TRIBBLES TURN AROUND AND GO BACK!!!

Scotty realizes that Spock did that fuel thing because it’s like a flare! Spock says there was no one out there to see it. Boo. Bones has a happy face because Spock’s last action was illogical and totally human. Oh Bones, I love you so much.

They’re starting to burn up, oh noes! Ahura’s got the transporters locked in- BEAM THEM UP TRANSPORTER ROOM GREAT BEAMS OF STARDUST PLEASE GET THEM!!!

…Sulu says whatever that thing was, it burned up. Sad faced Kirk is sad.

BUT WAIT, transporter room just beamed up five people, alive and well! James T. Kirk has the best “I just got my BFFLs back” face of all time, ever. 

Later, Bones is obviously telling Jim what happened. Jim of course has to troll Spock- he says “Spock, you were desperate! That’s pretty emotional, yes?” Spock says desperation was the only logical thing to do! Jim says “You’re not gonna admit that for the first time you committed a purely human, emotional act?” Spock says, “No sir”, and Jim says he’s very stubborn. Spock says, “Yes sir”, and everyone laughs! Happy times on the bridge for all!

THE END!

Shore Leave

Episode 15: Shore Leave

Netflix Summary: “The Enterprise lands at a picturesque planet for shore leave, but the idyll is ruined when a Samurai and a blood-thirsty knight attack Sulu and Bones.” (Accuracy Rating: 4/10- they left out the best parts!)

The Enterprise is orbiting an Earth-like planet. Apparently Jim needs rest but he doesn’t think so. Kirk, you are so stubborn!

On the planet, the Away Team is having a blast! Bones and Sulu are just chillin and enjoying some fresh air. Bones is so smiley and it is WONDERFUL. He tells Sulu the planet is like Alice in Wonderland, then Sulu walks away to get “samples” of “plants”.

Bones turns around and what the WHAT? It’s a white rabbit with a vest followed by a little blonde girl in a blue dress! SULU!!! Sorry, Bones, he didn’t see them! Dr. McCoy has the best surprised face of anyone, ever. This is not surprising as he has the best regular face of anyone, EVER.

Personal Log: The idea of Dr. Leonard McCoy having a tea party in Wonderland is making me way happier than it probably should.

Back in Kirk’s quarters, Bones calls up to tell Jim about the rabbit and girl. Jim thinks it’s hilarious, but he’s not going down for shore leave. Nice try, Bones!

Spock says he needs to talk to Kirk about a crewmember that is showing signs of stress and fatigue AND he’s irritable and quarrelsome but he won’t get some rest! Jim says “That man will go ashore on my orders! What’s his name?” Spock says JAMES KIRK, baahahaha. Spock is SUCH a troll. Have a nice shore leave, Jim!

On the planet, a random rock opens up and there’s a GUN under it!

Then we see random crewmembers Girl and Boy. I’m going to pretend like that girl is not the 12 year old from the last episode even though she is. Seriously, girlfriend, your fiancé died last episode and you’re getting all flirty with Mr. Blueshirt?? I know, it’s called recycling the talent and she’s technically a different character, but REALLY!

Anyway, Jim and Yeoman Barrows McHelmetHair beam down. She keeps repeating everything he says about the planet because she thinks it makes her look cute. Ugh. FINALLY they find McCoy. Maybe he can balance out her flirtiness. Bones points out tracks from the rabbit he saw. Jim wants the ship to hold off on sending more Away Teams til they can investigate.

GUNSHOT GUNSHOT everybody run fast! Apparently Sulu’s having some target practice with the gun he found- the one he has ALWAYS WANTED! They see more rabbit prints but the ship’s scanners didn’t show any life on the planet! Jim sends Sulu and HelmetHair off in one direction and he goes with Bones. I would too. McCoy is so smiley in this episode and I JUST LOVE IT. Happy Bones is HAPPY!

Jim tells Bones a story about this guy named Finnigan who was a total bully to him at the Academy. They split up to follow the rabbit and girl’s footprints and suddenly someone yells at Jim- it’s FINNIGAN! He walks right up and punches Jim in the face! I’ll punch you, Finnigan! Nobody sucker punches James T. Kirk and lives! Finnigan has a crazy laugh. And a crazy everything. Jim decides he’s gonna beat up Finnigan but then he hears screaming! RUN The Great Shatner, RUN!

He and Bones find Helmethair Barrows with a torn uniform, UH OH. She says she saw a dude with a cloak and dagger. Bones says it’s like Don Juan and she says she was just thinking about Don Juan! Are we sensing a pattern here? No? Really? Not at all? Ok…

Kirk goes to follow Sulu who was chasing dagger man when he comes across some flowers. Good idea, Jim- stop to smell the flowers when a madman with a cloak is roaming the countryside attacking your Red Shirts at will. Then, suddenly, a curvy blonde appears! Some old flame of Jim’s or something, I don’t know- I skipped over it because it was too mushy. Bleh.

Finally Jim tears himself away from his lost love long enough to talk to Spock, who’s getting strange readings of a power field down there- probably from industrial activity under the planet. I don’t know, I’m just repeating what he said.

Bones and Barry Hairhead are walking alone. She is totally holding his arm and being so flirty and I swear I’m going to cut her. She wants a princess dress and WABAM there’s one RIGHT THERE! Also a pointy hat that looks ridiculous. She goes on and on about being a lady to be protected and fought for. I’m so glad women’s rights have progressed in the space age. TRAMP!

Blueshirt Rodriguez calls Bones to tell him to meet everyone at the glade but there’s something wrong with the communicator!

By the way, this episode is totally worth watching just to hear Leonard McCoy say “ESTEBAN”. It’s glorious.

Cut to Sulu, who is being chased by a FLIPPING SAMURAI! I feel like that’s a little bit racist… His phaser doesn’t work! Neither does Jim’s! They are joined by Spock who apparently thought it was worth using up what’s left of their power to come check on his bestie. Way to be selfish, Spock.

Bones and Barry are walking by the glade and HOLDING HANDS?? OH I AM SO GOING TO CUT HER.  Then a knight on a horse shows up! Bones says it’s a hallucination so he just stands there and gets jousted! Jim uses the old timey gun Sulu found to shoot the dude off the horse! Bones is dead! Barry is hysterical for the second time in about 10 minutes and I seriously want to slap her. Jim pretty much does, THANK YOU.

Apparently the knight that Jim shot is like a dummy! Spock says it’s made up of the same stuff as the plants- they’re manufactured, but by who? And why? Suddenly, an airplane goes overhead! Back with Esteban and Chick, he says he was just thinking about those planes! Then one shoots at them and gets the girl!

Back at the glade, everyone is looking at the plane and then McCoy’s is GONE! So is the knight!

FINALLY Spock figures out what’s going on. Took you long enough, genius! …Sorry. I didn’t mean that. I’m just still mad about that helmet haired tramp flirting with Bones. I love you, Spock. I do.

Anyway, the deal is whatever you want will appear for REAL.

Jim thinks of Finnigan Again Again and whaddaya know, there he is! Jim’s not letting him get away this time! Basically the next ten full minutes is Jim running after Finnigan and getting beat up by him. He even manages to get his shirt torn, though I cannot figure out how. No, really- I watched it in slow motion and there is no reason for the shirt being torn. Well, there’s one reason- it’s on JAMES T. KIRK.

Finally, Jim beats up Finnigan for reals and Spock turns up. They tie up the loose ends for anyone who has not been paying attention. Spock says we have to not think of anything, you know, like a tiger- CRAP! They run away and almost get shot down by the plane and sworded by the Samurai! Jim gets all the peoples to stand at attention. Ok, peoples, don’t move! Don’t talk! Don’t even THINK! The Great Shatner is so great at being Captainy, it makes me want to join Starfleet or something. Anybody have a time machine?

Then some old guy in a green dress shows up. He’s the caretaker of that place and he knows all their names. He says sorry u got freaked out, teehee! Apparently the whole planet is one great big flipping amusement park where whatever you want appears before your eyes! Also Bones is not dead!!!!! …and he has found some new friends. TRAMPS! Barry tells them to go away and stakes a claim on the doc. TRAMP.

Old Man says if they’ll keep quiet, they can use the planet for the BEST SHORE LEAVE EVER! Spock goes back up to the ship because he’s had enough.

Back home on the Enterprise, the whole crew is lookin well rested and happy as can be. Spock says they are most illogical. Oh, Spock, it’s so funny when you don’t understand humans! 

Smiles all around and ahead warp factor 1, Mr. Sulu!

THE END

Balance of Terror

Episode 14: Balance of Terror

Netflix Summary: “After Romulan war birds destroy Federation outposts, the Enterprise pursues them. Similarities between them and Vulcans spark bigotry against Spock.” (Accuracy Rating: 7/10. I took off 3 points because I’m still mad about that last one.)

In the ship’s, uh, chapel, or something, everyone is all happy. There’s a WEDDING going on today! Lil girl who looks like she’s 12 is marrying Lil boy who looks like he’s 15. Probably some kind of child bride space treaty or something. It’s so sweet and stuff, aaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAH! RED ALERT! Sorry, kids, your wedding will have to wait- space is happening!

During the credits, I’d like to point out that whoever made this episode is officially my favorite, as Bones was present in the FIRST SCENE. Finally, they’ve figured out who everybody came to see.

The Enterprise is patrolling between Romulus and Remus, and Outpost 4 has said they’re under attack. Speed is maximum but Scotty can get more BECAUSE HE IS AWESOME. I think we officially need a moment to bask in the glory of McCoy and Scott.

Jim wants to know who attacked Outpost 4- the guy in Chekov’s chair this week says there can’t be much doubt, unless you’re us, in which case you have no idea what the heck is going on. Fortunately, Jim has Spock pull up an infographic of the NEUTRAL ZONE. Pay attention, kids, this is important. There are little outpost asteroids on the good side. No human has apparently ever seen a Romulan because when they had wars, it was a long time ago and there was no Skype or something. I don’t know, he kind of lost me and I got hungry and went to get some cookies.

Jim says to everyone that they do NOT get to enter the Neutral Zone. NonChekov is a little bit too big for his britches, getting all loud with James Tiberius Kirk.

Apparently two of the other outposts have been completely destroyed! Call battle stations, Mr. Sulu! They get back in contact with Outpost 4. Outpostian Dude sounds like an 87 year old smoker… oh, that’s probably because the asteroid is all on fire and stuff. The ship that attacked them disappeared, but now it’s back! They get a quick look at it on the screen before it BLOWS UP THE OUTPOST!

They’ve got a blip on the radar but they can’t see anything on the screen! Spock says invisibility is possible. Thanks, Spock- I didn’t figure that out 30 seconds ago when that ship BECAME INVISIBLE. Apparently the blip ship is meandering away and can’t see the Enterprise. It’s headed back toward the neutral zone… and HOME.

Jim’s going to have Sulu and NotChekov parallel the blip and make them think it’s a ghost. NotChekov is so completely out of line, I’m surprised that Jim doesn’t slap him!

Ahura (being awesome) manages to get a video transmission from the blip. Spock puts it on the screen and OH SNAP, Romulans look JUST LIKE VULCANS!

Guess who also looks like a Vulcan? SPOCK. Everyone keeps giving him the stink eye, especially Mr. NotChekov. Jim tells him to leave any bigotry in his quarters- there’s no room for it on the bridge!

Up ahead, the Romulans have stopped being invisible. Sulu stays right on them.

On the Romulan ship, Captain Romulan does not believe that they are running from a reflection. He makes them go invis again. Turns out he’s ready to be home. He tells his buddy, Centurian Grey Hair, that the Earth vessel is doing what he would do. He’s not too keen on helping start another war. Blah blah blah, and time for more cookies.

Meeting in the briefing room! Spock has a thing that shows the Romulans’ weapon is ridiculous. Bones is emotional, as always, and I LOVE HIM FOR IT. Scotty says the Enterprise can totally outrun the Roms. NotChekov says they need to ATTACK RIGHT NOW OMG GET THEM! Also he is borderline racist to Spock. Good thing Spock agrees that they should fight. He says the Roms are total Spartans. Looks like they’re all headed toward a comet, so they’re going to try to hit the Rom ship when it becomes visible in the comet tail. Jim hopes they won’t need Bones’ services. I hope they do. I mean, not the doctoring part, just the general awesomeness. Can’t have too much of that. Ever.

The Roms are going to try to use the comet to shake the Earthians. ESCAPE MANEUVER 1!

Jim figures out that they got ditched (that’s exactly what he would have done!). The only thing left to do is just start shooting at random crap til they hit the invisible ship. Somehow it works, but I’m calling shenans.

Captain Romulan’s friend Centurian Grey Hair gets all crushed by some shipness that fell on him.

Control circuit burnout on the Enterprise! ARGH THE ROMULANS ARE COMING FOR THEM! Roms shoot but Jim emergency warps the heck out of there! The Roms torpedoey thingy is getting closer! It starts dissipating but still throws everybody across the bridge. You know what this means? Limited range! Jim says to go back and shadow the Roms again.

The Rom captain says something nice about Jim again. He’s so very polite.

Bones is not cool about crossing the Neutral Zone. I agree with him, because he hypnotized me with his melodious voice and I have no choice. Since shooting at random crap worked so well last time, they try it again and, somehow, hit the Roms. Nice. Jim decides they for sure have to go into the Neutral Zone.

The Rom captain says something nice about Jim. Again. I feel like maybe the two of them ought to just sit down and have a cup of tea or something to work this whole thing out. I mean, come on, guys, you are obviously BFFL material.

Captain Rom says to throw out a bunch of junk and the dead Centurian- maybe the Enterprise will think they’ve been blowed up.

Spock isn’t fooled! Also, they lost the other ship. I don’t know how, they just did. Jim decides to chill there until the Roms move again.

10 hours later, Jim is fake napping when Bones comes in (HOORAY) and, after Jim is angsty, delivers the single best speech of his, ever.

Spock accidentally pushes a button! EEK! Now the Roms know where they are!

Jim turns the power on and starts going backwards. Fire phasers! GOT EM!

The Roms figure out that they’re beaten. Yup. That’s what happens when you go up against JAMES TIBERIUS LUMBER TRUCKING KIRK. Conveniently, they have a nuclear warhead aboard. They throw it at the Enterprise and WABAM!, barely any damage. Haha, Romulans. Haha.

Jim sends NotChekov down to weapons because apparently every one of the guys in weapons had to go see McCoy. I don’t blame them, I’d want to go see McCoy too, but we’re in the middle of a battle here! Come on!

Jim’s going to have them play dead and get the Roms back.

Captain Rom doesn’t trust Kirk. He gets peer pressured into attacking anyway.

Down in the weapons area, NotChekov is officially racist to Spock. I officially throw a cookie at the screen.

There’s  some kind of purple gas leak in the weapons room! It knocks out NotChekov right when the Roms show up- who will fire the phasers??

Spock saves the day, of course! BYE, ROMULANS!

Jim gets the Roms on the screen for a little skyping. He wants to save the Roms that are left. Captain Rom says they have to all die, but thanks for the offer. Also, Captain Rom thinks he and Kirk could’ve been friends.

I’m not going to cry… I’m not going to cry… then Capt Rom blows his ship up. Jim is all sad faced. So am I. 

In sick bay, Bones saves NotChekov who is totally not racist anymore. Too bad they didn’t save that 15 year old who was going to get married, sad face again.

Janice says they finally heard back from Starfleet, who said do whatever you want, Kirk! Thanks for the prompt response, Starfleet. Not like they were about to get killed by Romulans or anything. I mean, was EVERYONE on coffee break for the past 12 hours?

Jim goes to talk to that 12 year old who was getting married. He’s really sweet and she’s not even remotely sad. I knew it was an arranged space child bride thing! Then she leaves and we get to watch Kirk walk contemplatively through the hallway before the credits roll.

The Conscience of the King

Episode 13: The Conscience of the King

Netflix Summary: “Kodos, a fugitive mass-murderer, is a 23^rd century Shakespearean actor. When a friend is murdered, Kirk asks a Shakespearean troupe to investigate.” (Accuracy rating: -3/10. It was a 0/10 for giving away the whole mystery in the first sentence, minus an extra 3 for that second sentence not even being real. What happened, Netflix? You were doing so well!)

Kirk is at the theater with an old buddy or something. Old Buddy is really suspicious of Macbeth. He’s certain that it’s KODOS THE EXECUTIONER!

Apparently Old Buddy called Jim THREE LIGHT YEARS off his course to make this little accusation. Jim’s upset, but not really, it is his Old Buddy! Also, Jim thinks Kodos is dead. Old Buddy’s not so sure. We get a full history lesson about how Kodos killed a bunch of people, hence “the Executioner”.

Did I mention that Old Buddy has a half face patch? He does. Not a lot of people could pull of a patch on a whole side of their face, but Old Buddy is totally rockin it.

Apparently only 9 people in all the universe saw Kodos and lived! Conveniently, Jim and Old Buddy are two of those 9 people. Also, Old Buddy is having the whole acting troupe over for a cocktail party so he can be all snoopy. Jim’s not sticking around, he has to go back to the ship and look contemplative while he researches that actor man. Turns out Actor Man didn’t exist before Kodos disappeared 20 years ago! That’s enough for Jim, he’s headed back down for a party! Woohoo!

At the party, a foxy blonde lady comes in and, shock of all shocks, gets a little one-on-one flirting time with James T. Charmington. She’s the daughter of Actor Man, who NEVER appears in public. She says they’re leaving on the Astro Queen the next day (don’t worry, that’s important). Jim just pours on the charm like it’s going out of style. He and Blondie go for a walk, where they find Old Buddy DEAD!! Now he is really super extra suspicious.

Jim makes a call to the Astro Queen (on scramble, of course!). Conveniently, their captain owes Jim a bazillion favors, so Jim tells him not to pick up the actors. Blondie shows up on the Enterprise wearing the single most ridiculous outfit I have ever seen. Don’t believe me? Here’s a picture:

 Spock is confused by how Jim knew she was coming on board.

Blondie begs Jim to take the acting troupe to their next place. Teehee, Jim is so sneaky. She says they’ll give a special performance if they can hitch a ride. Spock is totally confused by Jim’s crazy human behavior and apparent omniscience. He says so with ONE EYEBROW.

Personal Log: 15 minutes in and no Bones in sight. I’m beginning to worry.

Jim finds out that of the 9 people who can identify Kodos, only two are alive! One is Jim, one is Reilly (you remember him, he made a big fuss back when everyone went crazy in The Naked Time. Uh, that didn’t sound right. Just go back and review. Please. Ok. um, bye.). Jim tells Spock to transfer Reilly back down to engineering where he came from.

And BONES ARRIVES! Oh thank heavens, the talent is finally here!

Spock asks if he’s noticed Jim acting strangely. Bones says no and he thinks Jim brought the lady on board because he likes her. Basically, what happens is Bones is awesome and Spock is totally agitated. Also, McCoy’s accent is so magnificent in this scene. It’s like the sound of melted butter on velvet.

I’m going to just straight up fast forward through this next part where Jim and Blondie go for a walk in the ship together. Blech.

Jim tries to cajole some information about Actor Kodos Man from Blondie but it totally doesn’t work. He says something really sweet about women staying women even when they’re on a ship. Yeah, you would know, Kirky!

Back on the bridge, Spock is still confused. He has the computer figure out what’s going on. Then he goes to talk to the TALENT again! I LOVE YOU MCCOY I TOTALLY DO. Spock explains to Bones all about what Kodos did. Spock found out that every eye witness except for Jim and Reilly has died, and wherever the others died, the acting troupe was nearby!

Personal Log: There is so much Spock/McCoy BFFL time in this episode and it’s just making me feel all warm and fuzzy inside like I have a whole flock of tribbles in my tummy!

Reilly calls up to the rec room from the engineering room and asks for some entertainment. He asks Ahura to sing him a song. I don’t want to listen to it, so I’m going to just tell you that somebody poisons Reilly’s milk while he’s all listening to Ahura’s singing. Yes, I said milk. Captain Kirk cares about the calcium intake of his crew, apparently. Probably McCoy’s idea... he has great ideas…

Speaking of Bones, Reilly’s poisoning means we get to go to sick bay! Yay! …I mean, oh, that’s so horrible... but hey, Bones! How are you! I missed you! I love you! Hi! Hello! Hug me!

Ahem. Spock tells McCoy that he HAS to save Reilly because if he doesn’t, Jim will be the next target! If I was Reilly, that might make me a little frustrated. I mean, come on, Spock. “Hey, Doctor, keep this kid alive so the murderer will keep going after him and leave Jim alone.” Really?

Brief Captain’s log, and…. MORE SPOCK AND MCCOY TIME!! WOOHOO! This whole episode is like a Spock &McCoy party! Love it love it love it. They are the best of best friends of any show of all time, ever.

Also, Bones found the poison! Spock is so pushy and makes Bones take his report to Jim right away. BFFL trio reunion, woohoo! Spock confronts Jim about the Kodos thing. Jim is so defensive! Bones and Spock are actually on the same side- that tends to happen when James Tiberius Kirk is in danger. Spock is certain that Actor Man is Kodos. Jim is not sure.

Bones leaves but Spock and Jim are still talking when suddenly they hear a noise and OH SNAP IT IS A PHASER ON OVERLOAD IT WILL EXPLODE THE WHOLE SIDE OF THE SHIP JIM HAS TO SAVE SPOCK AND TRY TO FIND IT HE TOTALLY DOES AND THROWS IT OUT THE GARBAGE CHUTE OH MY STARS KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!!

That was CLOSE, guys! Shoooooo!

Jim goes to pay a visit to Actor Man and he is NOT HAPPY. He asks him straight up “Are you Kodos”? Actor Man is a little tiny bit wackadoo in the brizain if you ask me. Jim gets Actor Man to read a thing into the wall so they’ll know for sure if he’s Kodos. It’s a speech given by Kodos and Actor Man doesn’t even have to read the paper! They exchange some heated words and Actor Man proves that he is, actually, totally and completely wackadoo. Then Blondie walks in and is all hateful to Kirk! Way to eavesdrop on the captain and be a total poo face. That is so uncalled for, missy. You watch it or I’ll get you.

Bones is recording a log in sick bay about Kodos and, conveniently, Reilly hears all about it. Bones, you really need to learn to turn around before you say sensitive information.

…but I still love you.

Meanwhile, in the ship’s THEATER (yeah, really), Blondie is starting the play. In Jim’s quarters, the voice printout isn’t exact, only close. In sickbay, McCoy is going on about how doctors never get to see the first few minutes of a play when he discovers that Reilly is GONE! He tells Jim and security comes in- a phaser is missing! Jim tells security to go after Reilly! That’s right, Jim, send those Red Shirts into danger! What could possibly go wrong?

Jim goes to the theater and finds Reilly. He gets the phaser from him and sends Reilly back to sick bay (don’t be sad, Reilly, Bones will make you some hot chocolate or something).

Backstage, Actor Man is freaking out and Blondie is a freak show. She tells him that she killed the 7 dudes and is going to kill the other 2! Kodos the Actor Man is NOT happy about it! I’m not happy about Blondie going completely nutters. Of course, Jim heard the whole shebang. Blondie goes right on with her little crazyfest and Jim says time to go, Crazies. She wants them to finish the play and when Jim says no, Blondie takes the phaser! She tips right off the crazy cliff and tries to shoot Jim but Actor Man gets in front of him! AAAAAH! He’s dead, Jim! (What? Someone had to say it- Bones is busy making hot chocolate for Reilly!)

Blondie loses what’s left of her crap. Bones confirms this by saying, “Crazy ho lost what was left of her crap”. Something like that. Time to drop off the wackos and ahead warp factor 1! Jim and Bones share a tender BFFL moment that melts what’s left of my heart after all the tummy tribbles and buttery velvet and hot chocolate in this episode. Yay, everything!

THE END

...P.S. Jim is jealous that he wasn't in the BFFL picture.

The Menagerie

Episode 11 & 12: The Menagerie (parts 1 & 2)

Netflix Summary: “Spock abducts the Enterprise’s injured former captain and sets a course for a forbidden planet. Facing a court-marshal, Spock refuses to back down” AND “During Spock’s court-marshal, video images of Capt. Pike’s encounter with the psychic Talosians reveal Spock’s motivation for hijacking the ship.” (Accuracy Rating: 10/10 AGAIN! -1 for having two summaries to explain it all. So 9/10.)

Ok, before people go and call shenanigans for combining two episodes into one, I’m going to straight up tell you that (SPOILER ALERT) this two-parter is LITERALLY just a way for them to air the original pilot, “The Cage”, so that it makes any kind of sense.

Yes, actually, that is what’s going on here. You see, The Cage didn’t fly as a pilot so they got to make another one with Kirk in The Chair, but then they were stuck with this whole episode where Spock is very un-Vulcan and Nurse Chappy is a navigator with dark hair or something and Christopher Pike is the angsty captain of the Enterprise. So, literally, they air the ENTIRE pilot during this two-parter. Frankly, the whole premise is a little weak to me, but, hey, it happened, so we’re going with it.

Scene: Starbase 11. The Golden Trio lands to a suspicious new lady friend who says the commodore wants to know why they are there. Jim says Capt. Pike sent a message to Spock. Too bad Pike was exposed to Delta Rays and turned into a veg! A robot veg with a head! A robot veg in a robot box with one blinking light. He’s like Davros from Doctor Who but without the evil pepper pots.

He can flash a light to say yes or no, but that’s it. Pike kicks everyone out, but Spock gets to stay. Spock wants to take Pike somewhere that’s 6 days away. Pike says no but Spock says he’s going to do it anyway. That Spock, he is SO stubborn.

I’d just like to take a moment to say that I feel so much better about Pike’s fate in the preboot. Thank you, JJ Abrams, for being awesome. That is all.

Kirk tries to defend Spock to Jose (yes, the commodore's name is JOSE) even though there’s no record of the message. Down in the communications center, Spock goes all stealth and sends fake orders to the Enterprise! Then he knocks out Phil Dunphy so he can finish the job by faking Kirk’s voice!

Bones arrives to talk to Jim.  They argue and, shock of all shocks, Leonard McCoy DEFENDS Spock! For a minute there, I thought I was watching the mirrorverse episode.

Then Bones gets called back to the ship for an emergency or something.

Commander Jose gives Jim a file on Talos 4. It is (conveniently) the only forbidden planet anywhere, ever, and if you go there Starfleet makes sure you don’t come back.  Only one Earth ship has ever been there. It was (conveniently) the Enterprise! When Pike (conveniently) was captain! Suddenly, Pike is gone and so is the Enterprise!!!! Everybody panic all at once!

Back on the ship, Spock shows Bones that he’s got Pike on board and gives him a fake message from Kirk. What’s that? A shuttle from the starbase is following them! It’s Jim and the Commodore. They’re out of gas, so Spock has to bring them on board.

Spock tells Mccoy to arrest him for mutiny!

Jim can’t get the computer to listen to him!

All the Red Shirts do a can-can on the bridge!

…ok, that last part isn’t true, but it would be awesome, yes?

Jim’s going to have a hearing but Spock wants a trial immediately since Pike can be command dude #3. Jim has to do it. Spock is going to show video evidence explaining why they’re going to Talos 4. For those of you who left for popcorn in the first five minutes, I’ll give you a hint: the video evidence is THE FIRST PILOT EPISODE. That’s it. That’s the trick. That’s the big, fancy way of airing the episode that got passed over. Not only do Jim, Bones, and Scotty have to watch it, WE all have to watch them watch it. Then we get to watch them react to it. That is ¾ of this two-parter, from now all the way to the end. Yup.

So here’s what happens in THE CAGE:

The Enterprise gets lured to a planet (hint: it’s Talos 4). Captain Pike gets captured by these guys with ENORMOUS heads who talk to each other with their BRAINS. They go in his head and can send him anywhere at all and make it seem totally real! Also there is a blonde chick and Pike is totally mackin on her. Big Brains want Pike and Blondie to breed them a slave race. It’s weird. In the end, Pike gets Big Brains to see that they shouldn’t enslave Earth people because they have a lot of great qualities. The end.

Somewhere in the middle of all that, Starfleet sends a message revealing that Talos 4 is sending the videos! That’s bad for EVERYBODY! Spock says please, my BFFL Jim, watch the rest of the movie! Jim says, “Lock him up so we can have a cliffhanger”.

…Part 1 ends and part 2 starts and the trial goes on and Spock is not locked up anymore. It seems the Talosians care about Pike and want him back (and not as a slave this time). If he stays with them, he won’t have to live forever as a robotbox-vegetableman.

They finally make it to Talos 4 and watch the end of the pilot episode. Jim’s feelin all better about Spock and then GASP the commodore disappears! Turns out he was just an illusion! Also Starbase 11 was watching the pilot episode too, and they say, “Aw that’s so sweet, do whatever u wants Kirk. Also Spock is all fine. We luv u guys”.

Jim has Spock take Pike to the transporter room, but first he says, “Come back and talk to me about your recent tendency toward flagrant emotionalism” and Spock is totally insulted (but not really, they are BFFL). Then Jim gets to see happy Pike walk away with the blonde chick on Talos 4. And everyone lives happily ever after, the end!

...as you could probably tell, I was really grasping for illustrative content, and I feel kind of bad because there's not nearly as many pictures as usual. So here's one more for being such good little boys and girls during this ridiculous episode: