The Naked Time

Netflix summary: “ A virus causes the Enterprise crew to lose all self-control. As Sulu threatens the crew with a sword, Spock cries and Bones looks for an antidote” (Accuracy rating: 5/10)

This is actually one of my favorites- it really highlights the acting skills of the ensemble and it’s the first time the show gets a little cheeky. Also, Bones is back after an ENTIRE EPISODE hiatus (seriously, who wrote that episode??).

The Enterprise goes to pick up a scientific party from an ice-world, but Spock and Other Guy find everyone DEAD! (though they do look just FETCHING in their sparkly space suits!)

(no, seriously, that's what their space suits actually look like. For reals.)

It seems like the deadsies went crazy before they died! Other Guy has to itch his nose and, for some reason, doesn’t put his glove back on before touching a table. This leaves him open to the red sticky blobby stuff… ish… stuff… stuff.

THEN Spock says, “Be certain we expose ourselves to nothing.” Great timing, buddy. Really great. Way to go.

I should mention that, finally, there are RED SHIRTS in this episode! Hooray! Scotty’s in his (lookin sharp, I might add) and there are expendables aplenty on the Enterprise. Balance is restored to the galaxy.

…And did I mention that BONES IS BACK?! Well, he is. This is officially a great episode! It’s time for a dance party.

We also get a little Spock-Bones banter for the first real time ever. It’s awesome.

In  Sick Bay, Other Guy acts super emo in his black shirt and guy liner. Also his hand is itchy.

The Big 4 have a conference to talk about the deadsies on the planet. Also they’re going to have to watch the planet self-destruct.

Down in the break room, Sulu tries to get Reilly to pick up fencing. Other Guy acts even more emo than before. When Sulu tries to stop him, Other Guy pulls a BUTTER KNIFE on him! Then he turns the butter knife on HIMSELF! They try to stop him but he falls on the butter knife and inexplicably injures himself terribly!!!

Reilly’s hand is itchy.. dun dun duuuunnn

Sulu’s hand is itchy too! Dun dun dun DUUUUUUN

Other Guy dies on the operating table, obviously because something is REALLY wrong, since Dr. McCoy is too awesome to not save him. Bones is looking for every possible answer, but that’s not good enough for Jim!

…Needy.

Sulu skipped out of work to go to the gym and Reilly is suddenly talking like the Lucky Charms guy. Uhura gets to run the ship, because she’s awesome.

Spock sends O’Reilly to sick bay, where he touches Nurse Chapel. Suddenly, her hand is itchy!

Shirtless Sulu with a Sword is running around the ship!

The planet starts pulling the Enterprise toward it, but there’s no response from the engine room! Jim goes to check it out but Sulu shows up on the bridge! Spock Vulcan Neck Pinches him and… Jim is jealous (let’s be honest, who ISN’T?).

O’Reilly has taken over the engine room and is being… obnoxious. Jim is exasperated and there are only 20 minutes until the ship enters the atmosphere and BURNS UP.

Scotty’s going to cut through the wall to get the door open and get control of the ship!

Meanwhile, back on the bridge, Jim is tired of O’Reilly’s singing. The Great Shatner is super funny here. He’s also awesome. Obviously.

Spock goes to sick bay and Christine touches him (uh oh). He has an emotional meltdown that would make a preteen girl jealous.

…it’s actually kind of sad. Love you, Spock.

Scotty’s made it into engineering, but O’Reilly has TURNED THE ENGINES OFF! It’ll take 30 minutes to get them ready, and they only have SIX MINUTES LEFT!

In case anybody was wondering, Bones is awesome. Also, he found an antidote.

Jim finds Spock wallowing in self pity! SNAP OUT OF IT, SPOCK! But wait, Jim’s got it now too! He’s sad because he can’t get friendly with the ladies thanks to his SHIP! All the poor man wants is a beach to walk on!

Fortunately for everybody, Spock gets back his Spockness just in time to help Scotty, and TGS manages to pull off one wicked sweet performance. I love the Enterprise, too, TGS!

Bones is waiting on the bridge with the antidote… because he’s awesome.

Spock & Scotty’s engineering magic sends the ship back in TIME…

Lucky them, they can now go back in time whenever they want to.

…and for the first time, we end an episode on a happy note.

*AND NOT A SINGLE RED SHIRT WAS LOST THAT DAY*

Where No Man Has Gone Before

Netflix Summary: “As Kirk and Spock investigate a Starfleet tragedy, a friend of Kirk’s becomes endowed with godlike powers. To stop him, Kirk must hatch a risky plan.” (Accuracy rating: 6/10 for vaguery)

This is probably the most awkward episode so far. From the high-collared velveteen mustard sweaters (Scotty’s is oatmeal colored- what the what?) to Spock yelling for no reason, this is a distinctively cringe-worthy piece of television. If not for The Great Shatner and Mr. Spock, I would’ve skipped it.

The E-Team finds a distress thingy from a 200 year old ship. RED ALERT!

Also, we make a new friend. Gary Mitchell is apparently an old friend of The Great Shatner (they went to the Academy together, you know). He’s a total d-bag who apparently thinks that when a girl isn’t swept away by his charm, it’s because she’s a “walking freezer unit”.

The oldie ship had bad things happen, and there’s something about ESP. The lady doctor is very pretentious about it.

They fly into a purpley force field and there are explosions on the bridge! (Spock yells some more. It’s weird).

Gary and the pretentious lady doctor get electrocuted or something. I wouldn’t care except it makes Gary’s eyes all shiny (I know that’s supposed to be important because there’s dramatic music).

Down in sick bay (where Dr. McCoy is absent- who wrote this episode??), Gary acts like a d-bag some more, and he has an echo. Also, he’s suddenly a speed reader. Spock says there’s something wrong with him (like we didn’t know that already… Creeper.).

Lady Doctor goes to check on Gary. He goes all Matilda and starts moving things with his MIND! Then he gets fresh and, uh oh! She gets fresh right back! Well, sort of. Also, Gary can read other peoples’ minds! Dun dun DUUUN

In the briefing room, Lady Doctor is super emo and defensive. The boys decide that Gary is dangerous. Too bad the warp drive is burned out- looks like they’ll have to strand Gary on a random planet, or KILL HIM WHILE THEY STILL CAN!

The gang beams down to Delta Vega with Mr. Creeper himself and try to salvage stuff for the warp drives. I should point out that, once again, there are NO RED SHIRTS in the landing party. Again, who wrote this episode???

Back on the ship, Super Scotty is a genius and fixes everything



Spock orders a ginormous gun sent down to kill the not-Gary if he gets out of his cell.

Oh no! Kelso is dead! Gary killed him with his MIND! (Sheldon Cooper would be so proud). Lady Doctor says she’s staying with the creeper and OH SNAP HER EYES ARE CRAZY TOO OMG SOMEBODY CALL THE WINCHESTER BOYS *alert alert*

Jim wakes up and goes after Mr. and Mrs. Wacko all by himself (he does take the ginormous gun with him). He finds them but OH NO! He can’t kill Gary with his ginormous gun! What’s he going to do? Of course! Make the Lady Doctor help him! She does, he beats up Gary and crushes him with a large chunk of Styrofoam!- I mean, a rock!- it’s pretty awesome. Oh, Lady Doctor dies too.

The Enterprise flies away as Jim records a log on his friend… and Spock says he felt something, too.

Jim says that means there’s some hope for him, emotionally. Too bad Spock is a Vulcan, and that was totally a diss.

THE END

P.S. There was way too much Spock in this episode and literally NO McCoy, so here:

...You're welcome.



Charlie X

Netflix Summary: “Powerful teenage psychic Charlie beams aboard. Although wanting to be liked, he attacks others until the secrets of his powers are revealed to Kirk.” (Accuracy rating: 8/10)

In this episode, we meet a new friend! His name is Charlie and he was the only survivor of a shipwreck when he was 3!

He is not so good at waiting for his turn to talk.

Charlie makes friends with Yeoman Rand. She has a degree in basket weaving.  Apparently Charlie has never seen a girl before.

He acts like a creeper.

Charlie makes friends with Dr. McCoy (who the heck wouldn’t?). Bones is suspicious of Charlie but is, as always, charming.

Charlie acts like a creeper.

Everyone on the ship is super nice to Charlie, and Charlie is a creeper to EVERYONE. He’s like the creeper version of your 8 year old brother who always wants to tag along when you do grown-up things.

There’s some great Spock/McCoy banter…

…and Kirk manages to entrust the little angel to Bones’ care. Bones isn’t happy about it.

I took a snack break for the next ten minutes while Ahura sang a weird song and Spock played a weird harp. (I’m a viewer, Jim, not a musician!) It probably ranks in the top 5 Most Not Good Musical Moments of All Time Ever. Seriously. No chance of that song ending up on Spotify any time soon.

Kirk gets to try on his Daddy shoes and try to explain to Charlie why you can’t hit ladies on their bazonkadonks. Hilarity ensues.

Wait, what is THAT? Distress call from the ship that handed Charlie over to the Enterprise! It EXPLODES!

And guess what else? It’s Thanksgiving on Earth! And somehow the meatloaf turned into turkeys! And THEY explode!!

…Just kidding. (but that would’ve been AWESOME)

This concerns Kirky, of course, so he plays three level chess with Spock. (Kirk beats him.) Charlie wants to play with Kirky but Kirky wants Charlie to play with Spock (Spock beats him). Charlie throws a temper tantrum and mind-melts all the pieces. Way to go, Charlie. Now nobody can play.

Yeoman Rand, totally creeped out by Charlie’s creepiness, tries to pass him off on her teenage friend. (“Here, Janie, have my table scraps”). Charlie doesn’t care about the teenage friend (Sally? Suzy?) because he wants to express his undying love to Janice (it’s the hair, it drives men crazy. Apparently.).

Janice goes to Captain Kirk and tells him to get Charlie McCreeperson to stay away from her! She’s seen that look before! Apparently Janice Awesome-Hair gets professions of love every day! Kirk is Mr. Grownup to Charlie, but as everyone knows boys don’t solve anything with words- they have to FIGHT!

You know what that means…

Shirtless The Great Shatner in tights!

Charlie is understandably jealous of TGS, so he disappears the other guy working out with them. This was not totally unexpected- the guy was wearing a red shirt… kimono… top.

Whatever.

Time for a Bro Conference!

Decision: We have to go back!!! Charlie doesn’t like that so he electrocutes Ahura and gets Spock to recite poetry and takes control of the ship! It’s totally not funny!

Charlie O’Creeper has a tantrum! They try to put him in the brig, but he disappears the wall! And people’s FACES!

Charlie’s controlling the ship! What will we DO??

Jim wants to take him on! McCoy and Spock unite to stop him!

They compromise and turn on ALL the things to suck the power out of Charlie. It works!

...Something is coming! What could it BE??

It’s the Wizard of Oz! I mean, the Thasians… Theyshuns? Thespians? Thesaurusins?

…They’ve come for Charlie! And they brought back the disappeared people!

Charlie wants to stay, but he probably should’ve thought about that before he acted like such a creeper.

THE END

This one leaves a feeling of angst in its wake, so here’s my favorite line from the episode:

“Get out of my chair, Charlie. Get out of it now.”

The Man Trap

Netflix summary: “The Enterprise crew is stalked by a shape-shifting creature that fatally drains the salt out of humans for its survival. When the monster is unintentionally brought aboard, McCoy makes a heart breaking decision to ensure his shipmates survival.” (Accuracy rating: 7/10)

I have a confession to make: Dr. McCoy is my Mr. Favey Fave from Favetown, Favoritania. Sure, I love all the characters equally, but Bones is my favorite (if that bothers Captain Kirk, I’ll pay for his therapy). Imagine my delight on seeing that the first ever aired episode is all about him! Hooray! *pre-episode dance party!*

Dance party over. On to the show.

Bones, Kirk, and a blue shirt (there are no red shirts… it’s confusing, and I don’t know how to feel about it) beam down to a planet to visit the doctor’s ex (and her husband… awkward…). When she walks in, Bones sees her as she was ten years ago, Kirk sees an old lady, and blue shirt sees a hot blonde (Jinkies! The mystery deepens!). Her hubby is a crankypants who wants everyone to leave. Also salt. Bones is bonesy and Kirk is kirky and of course they get their way. Just as Cranky McCrankerson is getting Weirdie McWierdieton, there’s a SCREAM!

… and the blue shirt is dead! With hickies all over his face! Silly boy, he ate a poisonous plant!

Side note here: There are no red shirts today! How am I supposed to know who not to become emotionally attached to? Everyone has names and there are no red shirts, so I made one because I need stability.

P.S. Dr. Mccoy is concerned about his lovey’s sudden aging, and she is concerned about salt.

Back on the ship, Ahura chastises Spock for being logical, which seems pretty illogical, and Jim is mad because Dr. McCoy doesn’t know what killed Blue Shirt. He’ll probably apologize later (UPDATE: He does- I think it took, like, 3 ½ minutes). Being awesome, Bones figures out that there’s no salt left in the dead Blue Shirt! Wait, didn’t both Mr. and Mrs. Crazy ask for salt? They SO did! Back to the planet we go…

Kirk: “Yellow Shirt and Blue Shirt, go find Mrs. Crazy.” They do. She kills them. Also Kirk wants to take the Crazies up to the ship. There’s no way this could end badly.

During the search for the missing non-red shirts, we get the first ever “He’s dead, Jim”. While Jim is reveling in the awesome that is Dr. McCoy, he misses seeing Mrs. Crazy turn into the dead Yellow Shirt! Now she’s on the Enterprise IN DISGUISE! (dun dun duuuuuuun)

There’s lots of Mrs. Crazy dressed as Yellow Shirt acting creepy and weirding out EVERYONE (including a pre-navigator Mr. Sulu!).

Bones is worried because they can’t find Mrs. Crazy on the planet. Jim wants him to take drugs to sleep. Good thing Mrs. Crazy turns back into Mrs. Crazy and goes to see him before he does! Wait… he still does. Now Bones is on drugs and Mrs. Crazy is in his room! No, wait, Mrs. Crazy is BONES!

Back on the planet, Kirk and Spock try to get some information out of Mr. Crazy. He acts crazy, and they figure out that Mrs. Crazy isn’t Mrs. Crazy at all- she’s a MONSTER! Sudden but inevitable plot twist!

Kirky holds a meeting in the conference room, where Monster Bones and Mr. Crazy act super wacko. Spock goes with both of them and gets a green bump on the head, but Mr. Crazy is DEAD! Mrs. Crazy turns back into Mrs. Crazy and tries to get Bones to help her- oh no! Jim has a phaser! Oh no! Mrs. Crazy attacks Jim! Oh no, Bones has to choose! But he can’t! Spock tries to make him choose by beating up Mrs. Crazy! Bones decides that she’s not Mrs. Crazy and she turns into a MONSTER with tentacle fingers! Bones shoots her! Jim is saved!

Thought-provoking end of episode thought and it’s on to the credits.

THE END