Space Seed

Episode 22: Space Seed

Netflix Summary: “The Enterprise encounters brutal super humans led by Khan Noonien Singh, who battles Kirk for control, turning a trusted colleague against Starfleet.” (Accuracy Rating: 9/10! Way to go, team!)

Guess what this episode is??

In the interests of pure human decency, I think it’s best to just get this out of the way right up front:

Ok. Moving on.

We open on the Enterprise following a distress call in morse code of all things! The ship is a DY-100 class built centuries ago! Bones comes over the speaker (guys, his voice is even more velvety smooth when disembodied, I can’t EVEN) and says there’s life on that there ship! All decks go to full alert while the credits roll.

Personal Log: I KNOW we haven’t finished season 1, but it still kills me every time DeForest Kelley doesn’t show up on the credits. Come on, season 2!!!

An hour later on the Enterprise, the old ship is still ignoring them. BONES COMES ON THE BRIDGE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT and says there are 60-70 bodies and they’re not breathing, but they’re alive. Also, we apparently had a worldwide eugenics war in the 1990s. I… don’t remember that.

 Pictured: What I remember from the 1990s.

Bones is going on the away team! He has to- Jim’s not actually giving him a choice. Lols.

Kirk’s also taking along the ship’s historian. Her name is MACGYVER and based on the state of her cabin, she REALLY likes gladiators and Napoleon and dudes like that.

In the transporter room, Jim asks Bones if he’s ready. He is NOT. He signed aboard this ship to practice medicine, not have his atoms scattered across space by this gadget!

Jim correctly points out that McCoy is an old-fashioned boy. AND WE LOVE HIM FOR IT.

They get to the other ship and there are people in little built in shelving units. Scotty confirms it’s an old ship, and MACGYVER says it’s a sleeper ship because it took so long to get from one planet to the next. She is all smitten with how handsome they are. I can tell she’s going to be trouble.

Hey, wait- someone is waking up! It’s that guy from Fantasy Island! MACGYVER is mackin on sleeping dude so hard she won’t even listen to James Tiberius Freaking Kirk. Yup, she’s DEFINITELY going to be trouble.

CRIPES! He’s dying! Kirk breaks the glass to get him out. Bones takes him back to the Enterprise- Jim wants to make sure they can save him before they wake anybody else up (as if DOCTOR LEONARD MCCOY couldn’t save someone- COME ON).

Spock can’t find any records of that ship, and he hasn’t got a theory because he has no facts! Don’t worry, though, he’s not capable of being irritated #YesHeIs #haha.

Let’s all go to Starbase 12, ok?

Jim takes a trip down to sick bay to see Bones (WHO THE FLIP WOULDN’T). McCoy says this dude is definitely an improved breed of human. MACGYVER shows up and is all breathy because the dude is so hot or whatever. Kirk wants to talk to her because she did a CRAP job in the landing party. He’s not cool with her being swoony either. Now get the flip out of sick bay so we can focus on Bones.

CRIPES! Dude is awake! Ok, sorry, I can’t call him dude anymore. Everyone knows by now that (SPOILERS) it’s flipping KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAN.

He does a little yoga breathing and sees some old-timey operating stuff displayed on the wall, like, you know, KNIVES.

BONES, DON’T GO IN THERE! He’s pretending to be asleep, the big faker. He pulls the knife and Dr. Leonard Flipping McCoy says, “Well, either choke me or cut me, make up your mind!” 

KHAAAAAAAN says where am I? Bones says you’re in bed, holding a knife to your doctor’s throat. Then he tells him the most effective place to slice his neck. If anyone ever doubts my undeniable love of Dr. McCoy, THIS is the scene I will show them. Oh my stars, he is such a bad-behind lumber trucker!!!

KHAAAAAAAAAAAN is awed by the majesty of Dr. McCoy. AS HE SHOULD BE. Also, he has many questions for the captain.

First, he wants to know where they’re going. Second, he says revive his 72 remaining other peeps. Kirk says I will, when we get to Starbase 12. Kirk wants to ask some questions now but KHAAAAAAAAAAN is getting fatigued (LIAR). Also, he wants to study the technical manuals on the vessel (UGH DON’T LET HIM COME ON KIRK WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU TODAY YOU WILL REGRET THIS FOREVER JUST STOP).

Back on the bridge, Spock says there were advanced men who took over 40 countries in 1993 (……..). Spock says 90something of them were unaccounted for when all the superdudes were finally taken down.

MACGYVER goes to talk to KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN. I so don’t like her. OH I so don’t even like her. Way to set women back 3000 years, you little tramp. KHAAAAN even forces her to change her hair to a way he likes it. Pig. Guess what? MACGYVER LIKES HIM ACTING THAT WAY. Ugh. Can we just go get some Junior Mints, please? Ok. I’m going for Junior Mints. I’ll be back when the awkward flirtfest is over.

MACGYVER even sets up a feast for KHAAAAAAN and all the mens have to wear their dress uniforms. Jim asks Bones about her attraction to KHAAAAAAAN. They’re both worried. So am I, especially because we cut to him going to her room. AAAAAAAND there’s kissing. COME ON. Is this a kissing show?? Where are all the phasers??

Oh, good, we’re having that feast now. KHAAAAAAAAN says they left Earth for adventure and that things were faaaabulous on Earth back in the day, or would have been if one dude could have ruled. Hmmmmmm…. Kirk’s having NONE of this little git, and tricks KHAAAAAAAAN into revealing that he was one of the evil dictators from the 1990’s!!!

 Pictured: Evil Dictators from the 1990s.

KHAAAAAAAN excuses himself back to his quarters and MACGYVER shows up. Bleh. Now I’m going for tacos, brb.

I got back in time to see him being mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive to her. Yup, that’s a man you can count on, MACGYVER. UGH. He tells her he’s gonna take over the ship and she wants to help because she lurves him.

COME ON.

The MEN, meanwhile, are doing their research in the conference room. Looks like KHAAAAAAAAN ruled ¼ of Earth and was the last to be overthrown. Jim, Scotty, and Bones all troll Spock because it’s SO FUN.

Jim goes to pay a visit to KHAAAAAAAAAN. He reveals that they know who he is, so time for some answers, Dictator-Head! KHAAAAAAAN is extremely demeaning to Kirk and I want to reach through the screen and punch his face. Kirk’s having none of it and acts infinitely superior. Then he just walks out.

Personal Log: Why the flip did they just put one lowly redshirt at KHAAAN’S door???? I think that’s a bad idea…

Oh, look, I was right. He opened the locked door all by himself and is now in the transporter room where MACGYVER has a phaser on Lt Kyle. She beams KHAAAAAAAAAAAN over to his ship where he wakes up ALL the people!

Kirk gets word that KHAAAAAAAN has escaped! He can’t get off the bridge- they’ve disabled the elevators AND all communications! CRIPES! KHAAAAAAAN says the ship is his. Also he’s shut off life support to the bridge. Looks like KHAAAAAAAN was thorough in his studies- I TOLD you it was a bad idea to let him read stuff! If Kirk doesn’t give up the bridge, everyone on it will suffocate!!!

In his log, Kirk is perturbed that they’ve got his ship. He gives recommendations for all the peoples on the bridge who are about to die. He takes full responsibility and passes out… No, no, there’s just something in my eye.

In the conference room, KHAAAAAAN has Spock, Scotty, Ahura, Bones, and a couple assorted shirt colored expendables at phaser point. Looks like they didn’t die after all! MACGYVER is there too, lookin all smug. YOU TRAMP!

KHAAAAN needs them to help him run the ship. Scotty says whayre is Captin Kerk?? They force Ahura to turn on the screen by smacking her! She shoots eye daggers so hard I’m surprised that dude’s not dead! On the screen is the medical decompression chamber with the air being sucked out. CRIPES, JIM IS INSIDE! Oh guys, what can we do?? KHAAAAAAN will kill the captain if they don’t join him!

He wants to find a planet to conquer colonize. If they don’t help, they’ll all take turns in the CHAMBER OF DEATH (what? It’s better than “medical decompression chamber”).

MACGYVER excuses herself so she doesn’t have to watch people die. Ugh. KHAAAAAAAAN says if any one person joins him, he’ll let Kirk live. Hey, they’ve lost the channel! It doesn’t matter, the captain is DEAD! Take Spock next!

At the CHAMBER OF DEATH, MACGYVER gives the guard a hypo and saves Kirk’s life! Oh, MACGYVER, there is hope for you yet! HOORAY HOORAY HOOR-aw, crap. She only saved Kirk so he wouldn’t kill KHAAAAAAAN. Sigh.

Spock comes in and they have bffl catch up time. They’re gonna gas ALL the decks!

KHAAAN is having trouble getting in touch with his peeps, and gas comes in the vents! Scotty manages a suckerpunch and gets the heck out of there. Too bad KHAAAAAAN got out too! HURRY TO ENGINEERING, KIRK!

KHAAAAAN gets Kirk’s phaser and FOLD IT IN FREAKING HALF. Oh. My. Cripes. He’s overloaded the engines! They only have MINUTES! He and Kirk start fighting and Kirk’s stunt double doesn’t even remotely look like The Great Shatner. It’s kind of embarrassing.

Basically, James T. Kirk is a BOSS and no mere mortal can stand against him. He knocks out KHAAAAN with a piece of the engine room and stops the overload.

They have control of the Enterprise now, but what’s he going to do with KHAAAAAAAN and MACGYVER? I have one idea…

Oh, well, they’re going to have a hearing, apparently, and drop all the charges. Kirk’s going to dump them all off at a wild world. (DON’T DO IT JIM YOU WILL REGRET IT FOREVER!) Also, MACGYVER is going to go with them because she’s a hopeless broad who needs a jerk of a man to control her. UGH.

THE END

….OR IS IT???

Nope, definitely not the end.