The Alternative Factor

Episode 27: The Alternative Factor

Netflix Summary: “Kirk meets Lazarus, whose looks and moods are constantly changing. Lazarus explains he’s chasing through space and time to stop his parallel self from destroying the entire multiverse.” (Accuracy Rating: 2/10. First you make this guy sound like an unstable woman, and then you don’t make any sense. I am so disappointed in you right now, Netflix team.)

Disclaimer: This is NOT my favorite episode. It’s super angsty and a little trippy and I just have trouble following it. As a result, all guest characters will be given funny accents, if only to make this one bearable.

The Enterprise team is scanning a planet when AAARGH there’s some kind of groovy special effects! Spock says everything in scanner range almost winked out! WHAT?? Also, there’s suddenly a life reading on the planet. It very possibly could be dangerous.

Kirk, Spock, and some Red Shirts beam down to find the dude. They do. He is super creepy and he has the worst beard I have EVER SEEN. He falls off a mountain so they take him back up to the ship.

P.S. the dilithium crystals have been almost completely drained of power! Oh noes!

It’s McCoy! HOORAAAAAAAY! Oh, Bones, I totally missed you last episode! Things just weren’t the same without you! I love you, McCoy, I totally do.

The crazy guy will make it but Kirk doesn’t have time for him right now because there’s a Code 1 message coming in from Starfleet. The Commodore tells them that the groovy special effects happened all over the galaxy; they started where the Enterprise is; and, oh, Starfleet is evacuating everyone from the area. EXCEPT THE ENTERPRISE. Once again, it’s up to Jim and the gang to save everyone.

This is my impression of the commodore:

...Umbridge from AVPM? I don't know, it got away from me...

Kirk goes to talk to their new crazy friend. His name is Lazarus, and he’s crazy. I shall call him “Crazerus”. He’s apparently chasing some guy that killed a bunch of his peeps. Kirk’s gonna take him down to the planet to investigate with Spock.

This is my impression of Crazerus:

Also Umbridge?...

Spock thinks Crazerus is lying because there’s no one else on the planet. BLIZAM more special effects and Crazerus McCrazytown goes after his nemesis or something… I don’t know. It’s super trippy and it lasts FOREVER.

Personal Log: It took so long, in fact, that I had time to draw this picture of a tribble:

I never said it was a GOOD picture.

Kirk and Spock find Crazerus after the blizam and Spock says the effect centered on that VERY SPOT.

One brief shot of Bones and it’s back to the bridge. Throw us a flipping bone here, team- we didn’t get ANY McCoy last episode! (SEE WHAT I DID THERE? #ThrowMeABonesAnyday)

The Dynamic Duo discuss Crazerus’ foe. Spock just knows that the blizam happens whenever Crazerus has his “encounters” (is that code?).

Bones wants Jim to come down to sick bay. I want him to go too- it’s about time we had some sweet McCoy action in this episode!! He tells Jim that he bandaged a deep cut on Crazerus’ forehead, stepped out of the room, and when he came back there was no sign of an injury! Also, the patient has wandered off somewhere on the ship.

Oh look, there he is! He hears some crewpersons talking about dilithium crystals and BAM there’s another blizam! Bones and Kirk come up right behind him and Bones is SHOCKED to see that he has that cut on his forehead! Jim thinks it was a joke, but it totally wasn’t. Don’t you ever doubt Dr. McCoy, Jim Kirk! I will CUT you!

Personal Log: I just can’t picture Bones playing pranks. Jim, yes, but not Bones. Jim playing pranks ON Bones.

Kirk takes Crazerus to the bridge. Spock has found the source of radiation. The scanners didn’t pick it up before because… it’s not there? Spock says it’s a rip in the universe. Wait, when did we switch over to Doctor Who??

Spock says something about crystals and Crazarus goes crazy about them being the solution for trapping his FOE. Too bad Kirk won’t give them to him. Crazerus storms off the bridge and has another blizam- and his cut is GONE! Also, he has found his way to engineering.

Personal Log: This is getting complicated. Non-Cut Lazarus is now dubbed “Loserus”. Because I CAN, that’s why!

Ok, how do those two peons not see him standing behind the screen? I’m calling shenanigans! Good thing Loserus is stupid enough to attack the pretty lady when she’s talking to Kirk on the intercom.

Oh, now two crystals are missing. They search with no luck, so they take Loserus back to the planet. The rip in the universe has disappeared. Let’s all split up to search for stuff.

Personal Log: What did we say about splitting up?? IT’S ALWAYS A BAD IDEA. Jim Kirk, you’d better put your listening ears on before someone gets hurt!

Oh, shock, another blizam. This time, the weather gets all stormy too. Lozerus falls off a mountain AGAIN. Sigh. Take him back up to see McCoy.

The computer says Loserus is a liar! The planet he says he came from doesn’t even EXIST! Let’s hear the truth, mmkay? It seems he’s from the planet below and his spaceship is a TIME MACHINE! He freaks out and Kirk says WHERE ARE THE CRYSTALS? Bones says my patient needs rest and get that muscle man Red Shirt out of my sick bay! McCoy will make sure Loserus doesn’t go anywhere this time!

Blizam,Crazerus is back. Nice.

Jim wants answers from Spock. He has some, OF COURSE. The source of radiation isn’t from our universe or even IN our universe. Overlapping parallel universes COULD happen, yaknow. It totally explains what’s been going on. Spock says Lazarus acts like he’s two different men. One is matter, the other anti-matter. If they meet, total complete annihilation of everything everywhere!

What a downer. Sheesh.

Crazerus is somehow freely roaming the halls again. Come on, Bones! You had ONE JOB. What’s the point of being a doctor if you can’t hypo a guy to keep him in sick bay?

Just kidding- I totally love you, Bones.

Crazerus starts unplugging things in a wall. Nice.

Captain! Fire in engineering! Come on, Spock! Let’s go!

Crazerus grabs the crystals and knocks out the transporter dude so he can beam down to the planet. Kirk’s gonna go after him- Spock, get some red shirts and follow, k?

Crazerus installs the crystals in his space ship and acts all super creepy! Jim comes after him and gets zapped into the other dimension aaah! Oh, look, it’s Loserus! He’s the not crazy one, apparently.

He explains to Kirk that the two Lazeruseses can only meet in the space hallway between universes or else everything will blow up. Loserus says Kirk needs to force Crazerus into the hallway and destroy his ship. Loserus will let himself be trapped forever with Crazerus to keep two universes safe, aaw!

Kirk goes back through the space hallway- Spock distracts Crazerus so Jim can fight him really awkwardly. He forces Crazerus intothe hallway and gets back to the Enterprise so Not-Sulu can phaser Crazerus’ spaceship. That’s the end of that!

Jim tells Spock that everything’s all right for us. Of course, there will be no escape for the Lazeruses forever and ever.

THE END

Personal Log: Way to end on the angstiest note possible, guys. Thanks a bunch. Sigh. We can’t finish like that. Here you go:

THE END (for reals this time)