Enterprising Lunch Hour: This Side of Paradise

Episode 24: This Side of Paradise

Netflix Summary: “The Enterprise lands on a planet where spores cause everyone to become very passive and affectionate toward one another. Kirk soon learns the secret.” (Accuracy Rating: YeahOk/10)

This is also known as the “Spock Loses His Crap” episode. (by me… and probably only me)

The Enterprise has arrived at a planet where apparently 150 people are probably dead because of death rays.

Spock, pick 5 people for the away team. One of them has to be Dr. McCoy (Kirk’s orders, not mine. Seriously. No, really. REALLY.).

They arrive at the dude ranch of the dead and The Great Shatner shows off his pensive face. …What the what? It’s people! One is named Sandoval. Bones speculates that this man is alive.

Wait… “He’s alive, Jim”?? Stop this, Bones. This is ridiculous. Bones, you are being silly, stop.

Spock says they’ll only be safe for a week because of the death rays, and Sandoval’s people should DEFINITELY be dead. Sulu wonders if maybe they are… Sulu, you’ve been watching The Walking Dead again, haven’t you? (cripes, guys, did you see the last episode???)

Personal Log: I am totes up for a zombie episode of Star Trek.

They find a lovely little farmhouse and meet a pretty blond chick who’s all fadey around the edges. That way, if we can’t tell she’s a pretty blond chick by looking at her face and hair, we’ll still know. She gets all swoony eyed at… SPOCK??

REALLY??

Wowzers.

Apparently they’ve met before… Jim gives Spock this look:

"Does he look like a shiny Sheldon?"

Sandoval says they have COMPLETE peace there and the away team can poke around as much as they like.

Sulu and Blue Shirt go wandering off and find an empty barn. There are no animals… Hmm…

Sandoval asks Fadey about her past with Spock. She lurves him but he didn’t lurve her (duh). They say he’s going to stay and there’s nothing he can do about it.

McCoy is finishing an exams and Jim comes in. He says everyone’s health is absolutely excellent and he wants to see the records from the expedition. Lucky for him, his bffl already has them! Aaaaw. You guys are so cute.

Sandoval takes Kirk away to look at sand. Oh hai, DeSalle! We haven’t seen you since that crazy guy’s castle! He tells Kirk there’s not much stuff planted at all even though that was the whole point of moving to that planet in the first place. McCoy says come back, Jim!

Apparently on the medical records from when they left Earth, Sandoval had no appendix. Now he does!

P.S. Bones casually mentions that he had two broken ribs once. So far I’ve come up with 79 ways that might have happened.

This is one of them- I call it a "shalligatear"

Fadeshous is completely macking on Spock. I don’t like her so much, friends. She is so needy and Spock is all business. She’s gonna take him to see how things… work. They meet a plant and Spock gets shot in the face with S’PORES! They give him a headache or something and then he’s all smiley… it’s weird. She jumps right in and gets kissy face with him. BACK OFF, TRAMP!

In the farmhouse, Kirk tells Sandoval that Starfleet wants everyone evacuated. Sandoval says NO. Kirk is taking these peoples whether Sandoval helps him or not!

Oh hai, Sulu! Collect ALL the people, ok? Also, where is Spock?

Spock? Spock? Spoooock? Oh, how nice, he’s looking at clouds with Blondie McFaderton. Spock, pick up your flipping communicator for heaven’s sake! She finally picks it up for him. Jim and Bones are so confused by Spock’s behavior. It’s pretty funny. Then Spock hangs up on James Tiberius Kirk!

Oh, and this little gem of a conversation happens:

Bones: “That didn’t sound at all like Spock!”

Jim: “I thought you said you’d like it if he mellowed a little?”

Bones: “I didn’t say that!”

Jim: “You said that!”

Bones: “Not exactly…”

Stop it, you two. My bffl-ometer is already maxxed out as it is.

Jim’s gonna go find Spock. Also, let’s use the buddy system, ok?

Kirk, Sulu, and Blue Shirt find Spock IN A TREE? Spock, what the flip is going on here?

Spock takes them to meet his new friend, the plant. Sulu and Bluey get s’pored but Jim doesn’t. Oh, great, now he’s got FOUR drugged up hippies to deal with!

He gets back to the landing zone and Bones has OBVIOUSLY been s’pored based on the thickness of his accent (GUYS IT IS SO AMAZING I CAN’T EVEN. GUYS.). Kirk beams back up and, oh, how nice, EVERYONE has been s’pored thanks to the plants that got sent up. Ahura short circuited all the communications. Awesome. Jim throws a plant across the bridge and storms off.

There’s a line about 100 people long at the transporter room and they won’t listen to JAMES TIBERIUS KIRK! The whole wide world is mutinying!

He calls down to McCoy and his Velvety Smooth Georgian Accent is so delicious… oh man… He’s gonna go make himself a Mint Julip, he doesn’t have time to help Jim!

Kirk beams back down and finds Spock & Sandoval having tea. It’s very cozy. They tell him that there’s no wants or needs on the whole planet thanks to the spores, and Jim says COME ON, MEN! People need a challenge for heavens sake! Also, I’m going back to the ship. Peace out.

Welp, looks like Jim is the ONLY ONE LEFT on the Enterprise. It’s sad, really. He sits on the bridge all alone and logs his sad.

Then that plant he threw earlier perks up and s’pores him right in the face! He calls Spock and says lemme pack and then I’m comin, buddy!

Personal Log: Jim, why do you need the fat shirt? Just leave it. Leave the fat shirt. Just stop.

He goes to the lonely transporter room with his suitcase and is all ready to go when he realizes, cripes, I can’t leave the ship with nobody on it! I AM JAMES TIBERIUS KIRK AND I WILL NOT LEAVE!

Well, conveniently, that did it- No more spores!

Personal Log: I have a feeling they didn’t really think this through. What IS the message, anyway? All you need is rage? A spoonful of rage helps the s’pores go down?

Kirk logs that he’s gonna try to get his Spock back, but an angry Spock is very dangerous!

He beams Spock up and calls him a mutinous, disloyal, computerized half-breed! We’ll see about you deserting MY ship! You’re an elf with a hyperactive thyroid! Etc etc etc and fighting ensues.

Finally, Spock grabs a big metal thing and is just about to smash Jim’s face in when he pauses. Jim says sorry, bffl, you know I totes love you! They decide to find a bunch of Twilight and Beiber fans to aggravate everyone into uns’poring.

Ok, ok, they’re going to transmit some kind of signal, but you have to admit that my idea would probably be more effective.

Ever the Vulcan, Spock points out that hitting a fellow officer means going to the brig. Jim says if we’re both in the brig, who’s gonna build a subsonic transmitter? Lols.

OH LOOK, IT’S BONES! YAYAYAYAY! He’s talking to Blondie who misses Spock, so he calls up to the ship and lets her talk to him. Oh, Spock, you’re breaking my little green heart! He beams her up and they talk for like 10 minutes or something, I don’t know, I left to use the new toaster oven my boss got for our kitchenette. Yay, toasted sandwiches! I’m pretty sure what had happened was Spock dumped blondie and now there are no more s’pores for her.

Spock and Jim get the signal going so everyone will get aggravated with each other. Sulu and DeSalle get in a full on shovel fight. A bunch of other people fight too.

Sandoval goes to see McCoy, who’s sitting under a tree with his mint julep looking TOTES MCCOOL. Sandoval’s been thinking about what kind of work they could give McCoy- you know they don’t need him as a doctor. Bones says “Would you like to see just how fast I can put you in a hospital?” Then he puts the guy on the ground without even spilling a drop of his mint julep. COME ON WITH YOUR BAD SELF!

Sandoval realizes they’ve wasted all their time because of the s’pores. McCoy is very encouraging and helpful and nice and wonderful and lovely and I JUST LOVE YOU BONES I TOTALLY DO! He calls up so Sandy can talk to Kirk and tell him they’ll cooperate.

Later on the bridge, Kirk decides that maybe they weren’t meant for paradise. Also they haven’t heard much from Spock… he says for the first time in his life, he was happy.

Sniff….

Sniffle…

Sniff sniffle….