A Taste of Armageddon

Episode 23: A Taste of Armageddon

Netflix Summary: “Arriving at a planet where his crew are slated to die, Kirk learns they’re in a virtual war in which people must commit suicide to avoid real combat.” (Accuracy Rating: Syntax??/10)

The Enterprise is en route to a new star cluster for “diplomatic relations” (I BET you are, James T. Kirk!). We have a new, uh, “friend” this week. He’s a stuffy old ambassador named Fox. I do not like him.

They get close to a planet and receive a Code 710, which means STAY AWAY! Fox says go anyway, and he doesn’t care if they get involved in an interplanetary war or whatever. Kirk is so not cool with this.

Captain’s Log: We have to go to the planet because Fox said so. P.S. the Ambassador is a total dirt bag.

Spock says this planet is at war with its neighbor, and the first ship to make contact was never heard from again! Kirk tells Ambassador Fox he are absolutely not going to the planet with them BECAUSE I SAID SO. Scotty, the ship is yours!

Personal Log: I am officially upgrading Scotty to bffl status as a direct result of the glare he just gave Fox. You go, Mr. Scott!

Oh look, the away team has a welcoming party! Its two guys with shiny boxes on their heads and a girl in a toga… thing. Kirk macks on her immediately (there’s a SHOCKER). She says we warned you not to come here… dundunduuuun.

Time to meet THE HIGH COUNCIL! Mr. Anon 7 says sorry guys, we’re at war. Spock says that’s not possible because everything is pretty and calm and lovely and BEEP BEEP BEEP Vendicar is attacking! OH they hit right in the city… but… uh… there are no explosions or anything. What the heck, toga chick? Why are you all sad and stuff?

Kirk says, “You people be crazy” and Anon says, “No we isn’t!” Spock realizes that they fight their war with computers. Someone “dies” in a “battle” and they have to go to a disintegration machine. Um, WHAT?? Spock says it’s logical, but he does NOT approve.

Oh, and the Enterprise has been, uh, “hit” too. Anon says everyone has to come down to be died. The Away Team will be hostages just in case somebody decides they don’t WANT to die. Nice.

On the ship, Bones IS FINALLY HERE YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAAAAAAAY

Ahem. Sorry. On the ship, Bones is talking to Scotty. They should’ve heard something by now! Bones says they can’t just sit here, but what can Scotty do? Oh, hey, it’s Jim on the comm! He says everyone come down for shore leave. EVERYONE. CRIPES, it’s not Kirk at all, it’s Anon! Scotty can totally tell because he is AWESOME. Also, he has technology.

Back on the planet, Spock does a mind-meld THROUGH A FLIPPING WALL.

Personal Log: Spock is totes the cool.

They escape, find a disintegration machine, and blow it the flip up!

I should probably mention that Spock’s new method of disabling a guard is as follows:

Anon finds out the away team escaped. He says get ready to open fire for REALS- uh oh!

On the ship, Scotty is all ruffled that they’re taking pot shots at the Enterprise! Good thing they had the screens up! Fox shows up (bleck) and says Scotty, you don’t get to fire anything or do anything or blah blah blah. Bones says THEYRE HOLDING OUR CAPTIAN! Fox doesn’t care. What a maroon.

He orders them not to fight back and leaves the bridge. FLIPPING DIPLOMATS.

Back on the planet, the away team goes back to their holding room. They’ve got some weapons and disguises. Kirk charms Toga Chick so he can get some info.

The Council is getting a message from Fox. Fox says what the flip, dudes? Anon says totes my bad, guys, it was just a mistake! Also, why don’t you come down, Foxy? Fox says ok, new best friend! McCoy and Scotty are not believing this guy.

Fox says lower the screens and Scotty says HECK NO! Not until the Captain tells me to! He and McCoy are defiant and AWESOME. Send me to a prison planet, Fox! Put me in your report, Fox! I don’t curr!

Fox storms off the bridge and the haggis is in the fire now!

…I don’t know, I just repeat it because it sounds SO COOL when Scotty says it.

We join Anon in his quarters. Oh look, it’s Jim! They have a little philosophy class and Jim says I want my ship! Oh, how nice, Anon has a distress button. Go ahead, Kirk, have a drink and a chat while the guards come. Kirk says he doesn’t need a ship to destroy the planet and he’s TOTES FOR REAL, GUYS.

Personal Log: I am now convinced that The Great Shatner could destroy an entire planet WITH ONE EYEBROW.

Anon tells him where the communicators are, but Jim’s not a dummy! He knows there are guards outside and he ALMOST takes them out but one gets a cheap shot. Take him to the council room!

OH, LOOK, Fox just beamed down. Anon says oh, hello Ambassador, how you is? Come along with me. P.S. Time for you to die, sorry.

And THAT’S why you ALWAYS listen to Scotty!

Spock has got a crappy communicator working. He tells Scotty not to let ANYONE beam down- well, cripes, Fox just left. Spock’s going to find the ambassador and the captain with his two red shirts in their new guard costumes.

Spock saves Foxy just in time and blows up another disintegration machine. It’s a peculiar variety of diplomacy. Cheerio and stuff.

Anon STILL wants Kirk to get all his peeps to come be disintegrated. This guy just does not know when to quit! He opens a channel to the Enterprise- as soon as Scotty says hiya, Kirk yells SCOTTY GENERAL ORDER 24 (aka “kill ALL the planet”) IN 2 HOURS! Then Anon says start beaming ppl down or we’re gonna kill your away team. Also, he tries to fire on Scotty, but the ship is out of range. Bazinga.

James Tiberius Kirk has had enough of this nonsense.

Scotty gets in touch with the council to tell them they’ve locked on to the whole planet so they can blow it up. Give us back the away team OR ELSE! Kirk acts like The Amazing Human Bowling Ball and gets the only two phasers in the room. Spock runs in and says “oh, my bad, I thought you needed help!” Lols.

Jim gets in touch with Scotty and says cross your fingers! Then he tells Anon you can’t have war without the bad stuff or you don’t care about stopping it! He has Fox take everyone out into the hallway while he and Spock play with the computers in the war room. They blow up ALL the things!

Well, Anon, guess you’d better get in touch with Vendicar and make nice! Foxy here will stay and help (we don’t want him back on the ship anyway, obviously).

All the bffls gather on the bridge. Spock says you took a big chance and Kirk says nah, dude, I had a feeling. Sometimes that’s all we have to go on, Mr. Spock.

Jim almost makes Spock believe in luck, and Spock almost makes Jim believe in miracles.

THE END!