Court Marshal

Episode 20: Court Marshal

Netflix Summary: “After an officer is killed in a freak accident, computer records indicate Kirk is to blame. Evidence at a court-martial reveals that Kirk was framed.” (Accuracy Rating: 10/10, but we’re taking away 8 points because there’s no SPOILER ALERT before the second sentence. Way to go, B-Team!)

On Starbase 11, Kirk is writing up a report for Commodore Stone. It’s about an ion storm and some guy being dead now. Apparently Kirk had to jettison the pod with Mr. Finney in it but he totally waited til the last possible minute! 

Here’s Spock with the computer extracts but, uh, um, something’s wrong or whatever.

Just then, a “little girl” (she’s probably 34 in real life) comes in and goes all crazy on Jim! She says he MURDERED HER DADDY! Spock takes her outside and Stone says the computer log shows that Jim jettisoned the pod BEFORE red alert! He’s confined to the base! CRIPES! I didn't expect some kind of Starfleet Inquisition!

Jim and Bones walk into a bar. ba-dum-TSH

Jim sees a bunch of his classmates from the Academy. They all think Kirk killed Mr. Fenney! …Jerks.

Kirk storms out as a hottie walks in. Bones swoops in for some flirty time (that rascal!) and it turns out she’s an old friend of Jim’s! How nice for them.

Back in Stone’s office, they’re having a hearing. Seems Jim was great friends with Mr .Feeney forever ago but they had a falling out because Kirk got him in trouble for being stupid ONE TIME. During the storm, it was Mr. Feeney’s turn to be in the pod. Jim says he gave Finney every second, and more! Stone says “Oh yeah? Then WHY does the computer recording say you blooped the pod at yellow alert and not red alert?”  

Stone says he’s gonna report that Jim’s worn out (WHAT??), because he doesn’t want a starship captain to stand trial. Jim’s not hearing any of this! He knows what happened! Stone says computers don’t lie! I say this guy has OBVIOUSLY never seen Terminator.

James Tiberius Kirk DEMANDS a general court RIGHT NOW!

Back in the bar, Jim meets with that hottie. Turns out she’s a JAG lawyer and, aw cripes, she’s prosecuting Jim! She DOES recommend a lawyer for him, though. Thanks a bunch, you backstabbing broad.

Jim goes back to his room and there’s a dude there with about a trillion books. His name is Mr. Cogley, Attorney at Law. Mr. Cogley likes books and not computers. I mean, he likes books a LOT. I think his house is made of books or something. He might even be married to one, but I can’t prove it.

Time for the trial! Jim is lookin SHARP in his dress uniform, oooh buddy! The computer gives us a quick recap, just in case anybody slipped out for Junior Mints. Jim pleads NOT GUILTY (cue dramatic music).

Spock’s the first one to get called to the stand. Kirk’s hottie lawyer friend gets him to say that he couldn’t FIND anything wrong with the computer, but he says it still IS wrong. WHY? Well, because he knows the captain, of course! And Spock knows that it is impossible for Captain JAMES T. KIRK to act out of panic or malice. Take that, Courty Courtersons!

Now it’s McCoy’s turn! OH MY STARS he’s lookin so sharp and gentlemanly in his dress uniform! I LOVE YOU BONES I TOTALLY DO. Hottie lawyer wants McCoy to insinuate that since Feeney hated Kirk, Kirk hated Mr. Feeney right back. NOT CAPTAIN KIRK! He’s not that kind of a man! …but it’s possible. Dangit. I don’t think I like you, Hottie Lawyer.

Time for Kirk to take the stand! OH GREAT SHATNER YOU ARE SO GREAT. The computer starts reading out all the awesomeness of Kirk through the years- it takes around 20 minutes because there’s just so much of it. In fact, he’s so full of win, they have to stop, like, 1/3 of the way through. Jim says suck it, Court Guys, I know what I’m doing!

Hottie Lawyer says let’s watch a little video, shall we? Oh cripes, it shows Kirk pushing the Jettison Pod button (conveniently located on the armrest of the captain’s chair??) instead of the red alert button! Jim says that’s not the way it happened!

Back in his room, Jim talks to Cogley about the progress. He’s feelin so down, I just want to give him a hug. Spock calls Jim and says he found nothing on the ship. Jim’s not surprised. He says it’s not all bad, Spock- maybe you can beat your next captain at chess. Sigh.

...Chess?................

Feeheeney’s kid comes in and is not insane this time. She says sorry to Jim (AS SHE SHOULD) and somehow says something that gives Cogley an idea. I have no clue what it is.

On the ship, Bones finds Spock playing chess by himself and he’s not too happy about it!

Spock says he’s just won his fourth game. Bones says that’s impossible! It’s true, though! Bones is all admiring of Spock’s logic and I LOVE IT. See, SPOCK programmed the computer for chess, so he shouldn’t be able to beat it! That means something’s wrong with the computer! LET’S GO, SUPERFRIENDS!

In the courtroom, Spock and McCoy run in just in time! Cogley is very passionate about how we can’t let computer rights be more important than human rights!!! That’s so totally true, I mean, have you seen I, Robot? Oh, yeah, he probably has. Cogley calls the COMPUTER to the stand! Let’s all go up to the Enterprise! FIELD TRIP!

Spock gets to explain how awesome he is at chess and logic. Someone adjusted the memory banks of the computer! Who could have done that? Why, MR. FEENEY, of course! After the storm, Jim did a Phase 1 search of the ship. He didn’t find FinneyFeeney, but, hey, what if FinneyFeeney didn’t WANT to be found? WHOA.

Everyone goes up to the bridge for a party. I mean, experiment. Kirk’s having all the people go ashore except the court and the command crew. 

They enhance the ship’s sound detector so it can hear everyone’s heartbeats. McCoy uses some future-wuturey thingy to mask each person’s heartbeat one at a time. Finally it’s just him left and OH CRIPES, there’s still a heartbeat!! WHO IS IT??? 

(I know, I just couldn't resist! #sorry #imnotsorry)

Spock finds out where he is and seals him off. Jim’s gonna go take him on, woot!

The Great Shatner voice-overs that Cogley went to get Finney’s crazy kid. Kirk finds Feeney in Engineering. He has gone completely bat crap crazy. Oh, and he has a phaser. He doesn’t want to kill Jim, he wants to kill the ENTERPRISE! He tapped out all the circuits! Aw, man! COME ON! That is SO not cool.

They’re running out of time!

Jim tells Feeney that his kid is on board! OH NOES! Then he wrastles Finney for the phaser and (shockingly) wins. Also, he gets his shirt ripped. Really, Jim? REALLY? What did you rip it on, the AIR?

...Just kidding, nobody cares. We all like it when you get your shirt ripped. You know this.

Anyway, Finney tells Jim where he sabotaged the ship. Jim fixes everything (AS USUAL) and totally saves the day.

Later, Hottie Lawyer says goodbye to Jim on the bridge. By kissing him. She says goodbye, and she kisses him. There's a SHOCKER. 

Bye, hottie lawyer! A little bit of BFFL time to wrap things up and it’s THE END!