Arena

Episode 18: Arena

Netflix Summary: “Aliens abduct Kirk and a Gorn, a violent, lizard-like humanoid. To save their crews, Kirk and the Gorn must fight to the death, but Kirk refuses.” (Accuracy rating: Meh/10. I think the B team is trying to prove themselves.)

Jim, Bones, and Spock are going to visit Commodore Travers, who apparently likes food! Bones is very excited about this. I love food too, Bones! Also, you.

They beam down with one yellow, one red, and one blue. I feel like I should expect Red Shirt to die, but I’ve never seen the other two. Who can I get emotionally attached to? I don’t know!  P.S. the whole place has been destroyed.

CREDITS TIME! I think we need a little dance party.

Everybody try to hide behind the one medium sized rock! Jim sends yellow and blue out and keeps red with him, duh. I mean, even KIRK knows that the best way to protect yourself is to keep a Red Shirt around. They’re like “get out of death free” cards.

Spock might have found a survivor on his tricorder. He did! GO TO WORK, MCCOY!!!!

More life readings- they’re NOT HUMAN! *dramatic musiiiiic!* Hey, Red Shirt, why don’t you go take a look? Ok! And, of course, he’s immediately disintegrated. Great job, guys, we’re 3 minutes in and you’ve used up our only Red Shirt!

BOOM BOOM explosions! Sulu can’t beam them back to the ship because they’re fighting another ship! Jim says worry about us when the ship is safe! BOOOM BOOOM more explosions!

They move survivor man to a safer place and Jim sends the other two expendables out to take a look. Jim wants to get to the arsenal! He almost gets hit with a bomb but manages a SWEET ninja roll!

Kirk gets back in touch with Sulu and says protect the ship! Warp out of orbit, for heavens sake! Sulu is NOT happy about that but does it anyway.

Not one to be outdone by a human, Spock runs after Kirk and gets a few sweet ninja rolls in too. I wonder if that’s mandatory training at the Starfleet Academy- Ninja Rolls 101. I’d take that class.

Hey, Blue Shirt! Come tell us where to fire the grenade launcher! Shoot, that wasn’t a grenade, that was a flipping a-bomb! Good grief!

Sulu’s back! He beams the Away Team back to the ship. Time for a chase! In sick bay, Bones is looking so stately and posh, I totally can’t handle it. I love you, Bones. Love love love love love love love you. I do.  

Kirk wants to try to take out the guys they’re following… but the guys they’re following go faster, too! Time for Warp 7 (GASP!). Scotty says we’ll either catch them or we’ll blow up!

Spock tries to talk Jim out of taking on the aliens by being all BFFL with him. Kirk will have none of it! He wants justice for all those peoples!

A crime has been committed and we are the only policemen around, do I make myself clear? Spock says yes. Jim says, “I’m delighted, Mr. Spock”. And THAT’S how you burn someone when you’re a gentleman.

Kirk says go to Warp 8!!! Phasers, get ready! Sensors report they’re being scanned by the solar system ahead… weird. The alien ship is slowing down- it totally stopped! They’re just dead out there! We’ve got em!!!

WHOOOOA suddenly they come to a complete stop, too! Jim is a little impatient to know what’s going on. Spock says they’re being held in place by that weird random solar system. A trippy kaleidescope shows up on the screen- some dude says, “We are the Metrons and we’re not cool with all u peeps being violent and stuff”. They’re gonna take Kirk and the captain of the Gorn ship to a planet to fight it out, but they can only use what they can find. It’s like the Bear Grylls Gladiator Challenge or something. (how epic would THAT be?)

AW SNAP KIRK IS GONE! He’s on the planet, with a… lizard man? They each grab a branch and… immediately throw it away. Then they awkward fight while the Gorn dude makes growly noises that sound like an 87 year old smoker’s cough.

Jim throws a huge rock off a cliff at him and the dude is totally ok! Lizard picks up a ginormous boulder and throws it at Jim! Ok, Metrons, this is definitely not a fair fight. For reals.

Spock and Scotty are trying to figure out SOMETHING to do… they can’t.

Kirk decides to take a minute to recap on his little recorder, just in case someone left for popcorn. Basically, the Gorn is strong and Jim doesn’t know how the heck he’s supposed to make a weapon out of that crap planet.

Bones is on the bridge (YIPPEEEE) and is so upset that Spock’s logic can’t help his BFFL! I’m pretty sure Spock is upset too.

Oh, look, Jim found some bamboo! How exciting! NOT.

The Gorn found some vine! Also exciting... NOT.

Hey, Jim found some diamonds! HOW EXCITING!

…NOT.

Sigh.

Jim IS lookin pretty sweet in his hi-top All Stars, though. Need to get me some of those.

He finds Mr. Gorn workin on some project… directly underneath a mountain ledge with a TONNORMOUS BOULDER perched precariously at the top! How convenient! Jim climbs on up and pushes the boulder off. It smashes the Gorn! Too bad he’s… totally fine?? Ok, I’m officially calling shenanigans! That’s ridiculous! Jim thinks so, too. RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! …Keep running!

Yeah, and run RIGHT INTO Gorn’s trap! Now Kirk is stuck under a rock and here comes lizard man to finish him off with his shiv. Nice. Good thing Godzillorn is slower than molasses so Kirk can just run away. Sorry, LIMP away.

He stops to make another recording because it’s not like he’s being chased by an invincible creature or anything. Oh look, some yellow powdery stuff. It’s sulfur… wait… hang on… there’s something about sulfur… if only he could remember… Too late! RUN AWAY!

Bones says the word INCONCEIVABLE. Haha, hahaha.

The Metrons tell the bridge team that Kirk is losing the battle. Bones is totally awesome, so they hook up a cc tv system so Spock and McCoy can watch their BFFL die. How nice of them. Spock sees that Jim’s by a bunch of potassium nitrate…

Jim has an idea face! He starts running but gets stopped by the Gorn’s voice over his lil tape recorder- he wants Kirk to hang out so he can get him. I mean, come on, he’s getting tired, running around. Gorn says the humans invaded and that’s why they destroyed them! Bones says maybe ppls were wrong and the Gorns were protecting themselves, uh oh! Bones, you are so wonderful I can’t stand it. I love you. I totally do.

James T. Kirk’s momma didn’t raise no fool! He goes back to the bamboo, picks up a lil vine to go with it. Spock is all proud of his BFFL for figuring it out. Figuring what out, you ask? Well, he’s gonna make a CANNON! Let’s go back on a tour of all the places Jim’s been running/limping for the past 20 minutes. It’s like a scavenger hunt TO THE DEATH.

Assembly time! Kirk FINALLY gets all his crap together and cannons the mess out of that creepy lizard man! WOOHOO! Jim goes to finish him off but, being awesome, decides not to. After all, maybe the lizards thought they were protecting themselves back there when they killed everyone and destroyed a bunch of stuff. He yells this to the heavens. Do you hear, Metrons???? Apparently, yes. Gorn disappears and a SUPER CREEPY looking dude shows up. He’s all impressed by Kirk’s mercy and says see ya in a couple thousand years, peeps!

Jim gets appeared back on the bridge and his BFFLs are all stoked to see him again! Bones gives him a little shoulder hug and gets the heck off the bridge. Spock wants to know what happened after the cannon. Jim says humans are a promising species… aaand Spock has his doubts. LOL.

THE END!