The Squire of Gothos

Episode 17: The Squire of Gothos

Netflix Summary: “On a planet where Trelane, a childish alien fascinated by Napoleon, rules with godlike power, the Enterprise is captured. Kirk offers his life for it.” (Accuracy Rating: What the heck, Netflix?/10. Looks like the B team is back this week.)

Strap in, kids, this one’s a little crazy!

First, I have to say that whoever wrote this episode is my favorite. Why, you ask? I’ll tell you! Dr. Leonard H. McCoy arrives on screen in the first TWO SECONDS, YEAH BUDDY! Oh he is so wonderful. I love you, Bones! LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU. 

It’s coffee time on the bridge! They’re traveling through a Star Desert. Is it just me, or have we found the perfect name for the BFFL’s 80s pop band?

Bones and Jim are talking about the lovely things about deserts- oases, mirages, palm trees… Spock, of course, doesn’t understand. Suddenly, there’s something ahead of them! It’s a little planet! How did THAT get there? They decide to go around it, but Sulu and Kirk DISAPPEAR!!!

After the credits, Spock ships logs that they’re orbiting the random planet. Scotty says they’ve looked all over the ship for Kirk and Sulu. Man, if I was on the Enterprise, I’d play hide and seek every stinkin day. That sounds so fun!

Also, we’ve made some new friends this week. Their names are DeSalle and Jaeger. Welcome, friends! DeSalle and Bones want to go down to the planet immediately to look for their buds. Jaeger says the planet can’t support life at all. Way to be a buzzkill, Jaeger.

They get a message on a screen: “Greetings and Felicitations! Hip-hip-hoorah! Tallyho!” These phrases are all listed under “Things it’s incredibly super funny to hear Spock say”. Bones is excited because there’s life on the planet! Spock tells Scotty he doesn’t get to go- Scotty has a sad face. Aww.

Bones, Jaeger, and DeSalle all beam down with their cute little oxygen masks on. Don’t ask me why they aren’t wearing any other protective gear- what am I, a doctor or a… wait… um… Ahem. It doesn’t matter anyway- they end up in a place that’s exactly the same as earth! Too bad their communicators don’t work! Deedee’s going to try to find open ground for his beacon. He doesn’t find any. Guess what he DOES find? A CASTLE!! No, seriously. It’s a castle. Obligatory McCoy fighting a dragon picture in 3… 2… 1…

(because it's my blog and I can, that's why!)

Inside, they find all kinds of antique crap sitting around, along with KIRK AND SULU! They are frozen! The door closes abruptly and OH CRAP THERE’S A CREEPY DUDE PLAYING THE HARPSICHORD! (Yes, harpsichord. It’s like a piano. Stay with me here, kids.) Creepy dude is RAHthah British and, thankfully, he unfreezes Jim and Sulu. Apparently Earth is his hobby, but since he’s 900 light years away, he thinks they’re still in the 1700s! Oh, Squire, you are so silly!

Two seconds later, Jim has had all he can stand of this wacko. Trelane is all excited about DeSalle because he’s French. It happens. Dee tries to stun him but seriously, dude, he’s looking in a huge mirror! You didn’t think he’d see you??

Trelane takes Deedee’s phaser and starts playing with it. That’s a good way for someone to get hurt! The Great Shatner is so captainy, it makes me want to cheer. HUZZAH.

Squire Man says he can create anything he wants by rearranging matter. Then he has enough of Jim’s haste to leave and says they CAN’T go! Lemme show you why- and he sends Jim outside where it’s dangerous! Then he brings him back in and says FOOL NOBODY LEAVES MY CASTLE MWAHAHA… something like that.

Back on the ship, Spock and Scotty have the sensors working. They’ve found Trelane’s little happy bubble of life, hooray! They’re going to just beam up anybody they can find there. Sounds like a good plan.

On the planet, Bones tells Jim and Sulu that creeper doesn’t even exist according to his stealthy tricorder readings. Also, the fire has no heat. Jim tries to appeal to Trelane’s sense of duty, but Trelane says they all have to stay until this is over! When will it be over? When it is, of course!

Jim says “Dude, there are 400 people missing us, men and women!” WOMEN?? Oh, how exciting! Trelane wants all the ladies to come down for the party!

Too bad for him there’s a transporter signal! Kirk says the party’s over, thanks to Mr. Spock. I feel like that’s probably something people say often. Still, they make it aboard the ship and Kirk says GET THE HECK OUT OF HERE!

…But they can’t, because Trelane totally apparates onto the bridge! He’s all mad at Spock for taking his friends away! Jim says GET OFF MY SHIP. Suddenly, they are ALL back on the planet- all the bridge dudes plus Ahura and a blonde chick! Deedee tries to go after Trelane (again, yes)… Trelane laughs it off, then says YOU CAN’T PROVOKE ME AGAIN! …Creeper. Also, it’s time for dinner.

Trelane calls Spock ill-mannered (BURN)! Then he wants to dance with blondie and makes Ahura play the harpsichord! WHAT? Jim is so unhappy about the whole thing. I think maybe he needs a hug. Bones says the food and drink have no taste. Spock doesn’t find that unexpected- Trelayne knows all earth’s forms, but none of its substance.

They decide there must be some source of power that they might be able to destroy. The great big mirror probably has something to do with it. Time for The Great Shatner to be totally great and act all jealous and stuff. He’s so, so great. Trelane pulls out DUELING PISTOLS! Woohoo we’re gonna have an old timey duel!

Trelane says he gets to shoot first- it’s his game and his rules! If they don’t play along, he’ll shoot Spock! Ok, fine. Good thing Trelane shoots the ceiling instead of Kirk!!! Shoooooooooooooooooo, that was close!

 Kirk’s turn- he shoots the MIRROR! BOOM explosions and cartoony sounds and things go crazy and they can contact the ship again! Trelane is so mad right now! Then he DISAPPEARS! They all get beamed up and warp the flip out of there!

BUT WAIT! Trelane’s planet is right in front of them! They can’t get away from it! Jim’s going to beam down and make that crazy man give up the ship! He says if they don’t hear from him in an hour, leave!

Kirk finds himself in an old timey courtroom. Guess who the judge is? Yup, it’s General Squire Creepington himself. Oh, and he’s got a noose all ready. They argue back and forth and Jim tries to take the blame for everything so everyone else can go free.

Personal Log: THE GREAT SHATNER IS SO GREAT I CANNOT HANDLE IT.

Trelane is all excited about the fact that he got angry. He doesn’t get why Jim is still angry. Here comes the noose! Trelane is all upset because it’s too easy. Kirk says you’re a fool, Trelane! You’re totally wasting your chance to have some sport!

Personal Log: Captain Kirk is the cleverest of ALL the captains.

He suggests they take their little fight outside for a royal hunt! More hide and seek, hooray! Jim says since I’m letting you play, you should release the Enterprise! Trelane says ok, and Jim tries to call up and tell them to get the ship away as fast as they can. Oh, Jim, you are so awesome, sacrificing your life for your bffls and errbody!!! …too bad the communicator’s not working, boo.

Then he gets Trelane’s sword but can’t even cut him because he disappears! That hardly seems fair! They fight and fight and Jim runs some more. He still can’t get in touch with the ship and here comes Trelane! He puts Jim in a cage! Then he says he’s going to bring EVERYONE down from the ship to kill… I mean, play with. JAMES T. KIRK WILL NOT BE DEFEATED! He breaks Trelane’s sword and slaps him on the face!

Aaaand what is this? Why, it’s a lady glowy orb and a man glowy orb! They say “Trelane, it’s time to come in”. Oh my stars for the love of tribbles, Trelane is A KID!!! Mom and Dad say if you can’t take care of your pets, you can’t play at all. No, Trelane, time to go home! They apologize profusely to Jim, who gets himself back to the Enterprise with due haste. Cheerio and stuff.

On the bridge, Spock wants to know how they should classify Trelane. Jim says he’s a small boy, and a very naughty one at that! Jim talks about how all small boys play mischievous pranks, and then he has to say sorry to Spock for implying that he did, too. It’s funny.

THE END

P.S. I don’t know why Bones wasn’t on the bridge for that tender BFFL moment there at the end, but I’m going to let it slide because The Great Shatner was so great in this episode. Let's just hope it doesn't happen again.

THE END AGAIN