Shore Leave

Episode 15: Shore Leave

Netflix Summary: “The Enterprise lands at a picturesque planet for shore leave, but the idyll is ruined when a Samurai and a blood-thirsty knight attack Sulu and Bones.” (Accuracy Rating: 4/10- they left out the best parts!)

The Enterprise is orbiting an Earth-like planet. Apparently Jim needs rest but he doesn’t think so. Kirk, you are so stubborn!

On the planet, the Away Team is having a blast! Bones and Sulu are just chillin and enjoying some fresh air. Bones is so smiley and it is WONDERFUL. He tells Sulu the planet is like Alice in Wonderland, then Sulu walks away to get “samples” of “plants”.

Bones turns around and what the WHAT? It’s a white rabbit with a vest followed by a little blonde girl in a blue dress! SULU!!! Sorry, Bones, he didn’t see them! Dr. McCoy has the best surprised face of anyone, ever. This is not surprising as he has the best regular face of anyone, EVER.

Personal Log: The idea of Dr. Leonard McCoy having a tea party in Wonderland is making me way happier than it probably should.

Back in Kirk’s quarters, Bones calls up to tell Jim about the rabbit and girl. Jim thinks it’s hilarious, but he’s not going down for shore leave. Nice try, Bones!

Spock says he needs to talk to Kirk about a crewmember that is showing signs of stress and fatigue AND he’s irritable and quarrelsome but he won’t get some rest! Jim says “That man will go ashore on my orders! What’s his name?” Spock says JAMES KIRK, baahahaha. Spock is SUCH a troll. Have a nice shore leave, Jim!

On the planet, a random rock opens up and there’s a GUN under it!

Then we see random crewmembers Girl and Boy. I’m going to pretend like that girl is not the 12 year old from the last episode even though she is. Seriously, girlfriend, your fiancé died last episode and you’re getting all flirty with Mr. Blueshirt?? I know, it’s called recycling the talent and she’s technically a different character, but REALLY!

Anyway, Jim and Yeoman Barrows McHelmetHair beam down. She keeps repeating everything he says about the planet because she thinks it makes her look cute. Ugh. FINALLY they find McCoy. Maybe he can balance out her flirtiness. Bones points out tracks from the rabbit he saw. Jim wants the ship to hold off on sending more Away Teams til they can investigate.

GUNSHOT GUNSHOT everybody run fast! Apparently Sulu’s having some target practice with the gun he found- the one he has ALWAYS WANTED! They see more rabbit prints but the ship’s scanners didn’t show any life on the planet! Jim sends Sulu and HelmetHair off in one direction and he goes with Bones. I would too. McCoy is so smiley in this episode and I JUST LOVE IT. Happy Bones is HAPPY!

Jim tells Bones a story about this guy named Finnigan who was a total bully to him at the Academy. They split up to follow the rabbit and girl’s footprints and suddenly someone yells at Jim- it’s FINNIGAN! He walks right up and punches Jim in the face! I’ll punch you, Finnigan! Nobody sucker punches James T. Kirk and lives! Finnigan has a crazy laugh. And a crazy everything. Jim decides he’s gonna beat up Finnigan but then he hears screaming! RUN The Great Shatner, RUN!

He and Bones find Helmethair Barrows with a torn uniform, UH OH. She says she saw a dude with a cloak and dagger. Bones says it’s like Don Juan and she says she was just thinking about Don Juan! Are we sensing a pattern here? No? Really? Not at all? Ok…

Kirk goes to follow Sulu who was chasing dagger man when he comes across some flowers. Good idea, Jim- stop to smell the flowers when a madman with a cloak is roaming the countryside attacking your Red Shirts at will. Then, suddenly, a curvy blonde appears! Some old flame of Jim’s or something, I don’t know- I skipped over it because it was too mushy. Bleh.

Finally Jim tears himself away from his lost love long enough to talk to Spock, who’s getting strange readings of a power field down there- probably from industrial activity under the planet. I don’t know, I’m just repeating what he said.

Bones and Barry Hairhead are walking alone. She is totally holding his arm and being so flirty and I swear I’m going to cut her. She wants a princess dress and WABAM there’s one RIGHT THERE! Also a pointy hat that looks ridiculous. She goes on and on about being a lady to be protected and fought for. I’m so glad women’s rights have progressed in the space age. TRAMP!

Blueshirt Rodriguez calls Bones to tell him to meet everyone at the glade but there’s something wrong with the communicator!

By the way, this episode is totally worth watching just to hear Leonard McCoy say “ESTEBAN”. It’s glorious.

Cut to Sulu, who is being chased by a FLIPPING SAMURAI! I feel like that’s a little bit racist… His phaser doesn’t work! Neither does Jim’s! They are joined by Spock who apparently thought it was worth using up what’s left of their power to come check on his bestie. Way to be selfish, Spock.

Bones and Barry are walking by the glade and HOLDING HANDS?? OH I AM SO GOING TO CUT HER.  Then a knight on a horse shows up! Bones says it’s a hallucination so he just stands there and gets jousted! Jim uses the old timey gun Sulu found to shoot the dude off the horse! Bones is dead! Barry is hysterical for the second time in about 10 minutes and I seriously want to slap her. Jim pretty much does, THANK YOU.

Apparently the knight that Jim shot is like a dummy! Spock says it’s made up of the same stuff as the plants- they’re manufactured, but by who? And why? Suddenly, an airplane goes overhead! Back with Esteban and Chick, he says he was just thinking about those planes! Then one shoots at them and gets the girl!

Back at the glade, everyone is looking at the plane and then McCoy’s is GONE! So is the knight!

FINALLY Spock figures out what’s going on. Took you long enough, genius! …Sorry. I didn’t mean that. I’m just still mad about that helmet haired tramp flirting with Bones. I love you, Spock. I do.

Anyway, the deal is whatever you want will appear for REAL.

Jim thinks of Finnigan Again Again and whaddaya know, there he is! Jim’s not letting him get away this time! Basically the next ten full minutes is Jim running after Finnigan and getting beat up by him. He even manages to get his shirt torn, though I cannot figure out how. No, really- I watched it in slow motion and there is no reason for the shirt being torn. Well, there’s one reason- it’s on JAMES T. KIRK.

Finally, Jim beats up Finnigan for reals and Spock turns up. They tie up the loose ends for anyone who has not been paying attention. Spock says we have to not think of anything, you know, like a tiger- CRAP! They run away and almost get shot down by the plane and sworded by the Samurai! Jim gets all the peoples to stand at attention. Ok, peoples, don’t move! Don’t talk! Don’t even THINK! The Great Shatner is so great at being Captainy, it makes me want to join Starfleet or something. Anybody have a time machine?

Then some old guy in a green dress shows up. He’s the caretaker of that place and he knows all their names. He says sorry u got freaked out, teehee! Apparently the whole planet is one great big flipping amusement park where whatever you want appears before your eyes! Also Bones is not dead!!!!! …and he has found some new friends. TRAMPS! Barry tells them to go away and stakes a claim on the doc. TRAMP.

Old Man says if they’ll keep quiet, they can use the planet for the BEST SHORE LEAVE EVER! Spock goes back up to the ship because he’s had enough.

Back home on the Enterprise, the whole crew is lookin well rested and happy as can be. Spock says they are most illogical. Oh, Spock, it’s so funny when you don’t understand humans! 

Smiles all around and ahead warp factor 1, Mr. Sulu!

THE END