The Return of the Archons

Episode 21: The Return of the Archons

Netflix Summary: “When the Enterprise travels to a planet where a Starfleet ship disappeared years ago, they find a tyrannical computer who rules its oppressed people.” (Accuracy rating: PrettyGood/10)

I’m going to admit that this is actually one of my favorites. It’s probably because of the costumes. I mean, come on- The Great Shatner, Mr. Kelley, and Nimoy Himself in western style 19^th century dress clothes?? It’s like CHRISTMAS!

We open with two guys in fancy dress running down a street. It’s Sulu and O’Neal! Some Jedi* are coming for them! O’Neal runs away and a Jedi rain sticks Sulu right as he’s beamed up. Sulu acts… funny.

DR. MCCOY! TRANSPORTER ROOM! It’s been 2 whole minutes and you haven’t been on screen!

Turns out the Enterprise was looking for traces of a ship that disappeared 100 years ago. Jim beams down with a new away team. They’re all dressed SO FANCY!

Personal Log: Bones in a western turn of the century suit. COME ON. Just in case you haven’t quite grasped the awesomeness of this situation, here’s a little screencap action for ya:

Not pictured: Lack of manliness.

No, I don’t know what’s going on with Spock’s opera cape. Let it go.

Right away, they all can tell that something’s not quite right…

They make a new friend who is a total creepeeeeeeeeeeeeer. He says if they’re looking for rooms, they can ask Regger, but they’ll have to hurry- it’s almost the Red Hour! The clock chimes and everyone goes COMPLETELY BATCRAP CRAZY. The away team starts getting beat up and stuff, so they run to Regger’s house.

Inside, they make three new friends. One is named Regger (obviously) and two are really old. They say the crazy party is called the Festival. It is the Will of Landru.

Just go with me, here.

One of the old guys is a meany head. He says he’s gonna tell on them for not being insane. Nobody likes a narc, old guy!

Regger shows the away team to their room and totally freaks out when they ask about Landru. He leaves them alone to watch everyone being ridiculous in the streets. The next morning, Jim’s lookin out the window. When the clock chimes 6, everyone stops where they are and wanders slowly and quietly off the street while I hide behind my tribble. CREEPFEST 3709.4.

Regger wants to know if they’re Archons…? Then some Jedi show up with the narc! The Jedi kill the other old dude. Boo, Jedi- I liked him! The Jedi tell Kirk that he will be ABSORBED. Kirk says I’mma go with NO. Apparently the Jedi don’t know what to do about that so they just look at each other. Spock congratulates Kirk on his logic.

Regger says he’ll take them to a safe place. All they have to do is walk reeeeeeally slowly and smile at everyone. Everything goes just fine until the expendable guy is an idiot. I bet he’s got a red shirt on under his costume. Run away! Run away! Run a- oh hai, O’Neal! He’s “of the body” or whatever so they take him along. Red Shirt wants to beam everybody up. Way to be a coward. Sheesh. They get to a safe place that looks like a cheap version of Camelot.

Regger says don’t let O’Neal wake up! He’s been absorbed! Landru will find us through him! Also, there is an underground of rebels. Sweet!

Kirk is ready for some answers. Regger says the Archons got pulled down from the skies (a STARSHIP!). Spock’s got some power readings that could destroy one! Jim calls the ship and Scotty says there are tractor beams on them. If they move, they’ll blow up, and if they can’t get the beams off, they’ll be pulled down in 12 hours! OH NOES

The away team is being probed! CRIPES it’s a creepy hologram dude in a toga! He’s Landru, apparently. He tells them he’s gonna bust a cap in them for disturbing the peace. Something like that. Then he supersonics them and they all pass out.

They wake up in a dungeon or something. All their phasers and communicators are gone! Guess what else is gone? MCCOY! NOOOOOOOO SOMEONE CALL IN THE REINFORCEMENTS!

Oh, wait- here he is! Aaaaand he’s been absorbed. AWESOME. Jim is NOT happy about it. Neither am I.

Some Jedi show up and say come on, Kirk! Your turn! They take him to a room where a laser gets him or something… I wasn’t really paying attention. I’m eating tacos, ok??

Back in the dungeon, the Jedi have come for Spock! He gets to the room with the laser or whatever and Kirk is all passive and stuff like the other absorbed people. Spock has a “aw HELL no” face.

The Jedi all leave and take Kirk with them. Spock finds out that the control booth operator is a good guy! Yay! He can’t answer Spock’s questions but he gives him some phasers. Back in the dungeon, Spock catches up with Jim. He’s been formulating a theory that everyone is being controlled by a machine! Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Time to kill Landru, yay!

Regger comes in with our other new friend from the laser room or whatever. They’ve got the communicators!

Oh no, Bones sees that they’re not of the body! He starts screaming his head off and Jim knocks him out. I’ll knock YOU out, James T. Kirk! Here come some more Jedi- Spock gives one a right hook and Jim says isn’t that somewhat old fashioned? Ahaha.

They take the Jedi’s robes and ask where Landru is. Come on, Regger and laser guy or whatever! Snap out of it! We need your help!!

Spock gets in touch with Scotty on the Enterprise- they’ve only got 6 hours, if that!

Now, about Landru. There was war and stuff so Landru took them back to a time of peace and tranquility. He’s still alive and is omniscient, apparently. Jim says freedom’s never a gift, it has to be earned! Regger freaks out so Spock has to pinch his neck. Ok, laser guy or whatever, it’s up to you! TAKE US TO LANDRU, OR ELSE!

They go to a big empty room and the hologram toga dude from earlier appears. He says they all have to die for the good of the body. Kirk does not intend to die. He and Spock shoot the wall- there’s another room with a computer in it! Let me clarify- the other room IS a computer. It takes up the whole room. Oh, and it’s Landru, apparently. They decide to phaser that lumber trucker. Too bad it doesn’t work.

Computer says I AM LANDRU! Jim says Landru died 6000 years ago. Kirk and Spock get Machine Landru to realize that HE is harmful to all the peoples and he self-destructs! …Well, that was easy.  

Come in, Enterprise! The heat rays have gone and Sulu is back to normal, yay! Let’s get the Away Team back on board!

Spock goes on about how smart Landru was. Jim says he would make a splendid computer. Spock says that’s very kind of him!

THE END!!!