The Alternative Factor

Episode 27: The Alternative Factor

Netflix Summary: “Kirk meets Lazarus, whose looks and moods are constantly changing. Lazarus explains he’s chasing through space and time to stop his parallel self from destroying the entire multiverse.” (Accuracy Rating: 2/10. First you make this guy sound like an unstable woman, and then you don’t make any sense. I am so disappointed in you right now, Netflix team.)

Disclaimer: This is NOT my favorite episode. It’s super angsty and a little trippy and I just have trouble following it. As a result, all guest characters will be given funny accents, if only to make this one bearable.

The Enterprise team is scanning a planet when AAARGH there’s some kind of groovy special effects! Spock says everything in scanner range almost winked out! WHAT?? Also, there’s suddenly a life reading on the planet. It very possibly could be dangerous.

Kirk, Spock, and some Red Shirts beam down to find the dude. They do. He is super creepy and he has the worst beard I have EVER SEEN. He falls off a mountain so they take him back up to the ship.

P.S. the dilithium crystals have been almost completely drained of power! Oh noes!

It’s McCoy! HOORAAAAAAAY! Oh, Bones, I totally missed you last episode! Things just weren’t the same without you! I love you, McCoy, I totally do.

The crazy guy will make it but Kirk doesn’t have time for him right now because there’s a Code 1 message coming in from Starfleet. The Commodore tells them that the groovy special effects happened all over the galaxy; they started where the Enterprise is; and, oh, Starfleet is evacuating everyone from the area. EXCEPT THE ENTERPRISE. Once again, it’s up to Jim and the gang to save everyone.

This is my impression of the commodore:

...Umbridge from AVPM? I don't know, it got away from me...

Kirk goes to talk to their new crazy friend. His name is Lazarus, and he’s crazy. I shall call him “Crazerus”. He’s apparently chasing some guy that killed a bunch of his peeps. Kirk’s gonna take him down to the planet to investigate with Spock.

This is my impression of Crazerus:

Also Umbridge?...

Spock thinks Crazerus is lying because there’s no one else on the planet. BLIZAM more special effects and Crazerus McCrazytown goes after his nemesis or something… I don’t know. It’s super trippy and it lasts FOREVER.

Personal Log: It took so long, in fact, that I had time to draw this picture of a tribble:

I never said it was a GOOD picture.

Kirk and Spock find Crazerus after the blizam and Spock says the effect centered on that VERY SPOT.

One brief shot of Bones and it’s back to the bridge. Throw us a flipping bone here, team- we didn’t get ANY McCoy last episode! (SEE WHAT I DID THERE? #ThrowMeABonesAnyday)

The Dynamic Duo discuss Crazerus’ foe. Spock just knows that the blizam happens whenever Crazerus has his “encounters” (is that code?).

Bones wants Jim to come down to sick bay. I want him to go too- it’s about time we had some sweet McCoy action in this episode!! He tells Jim that he bandaged a deep cut on Crazerus’ forehead, stepped out of the room, and when he came back there was no sign of an injury! Also, the patient has wandered off somewhere on the ship.

Oh look, there he is! He hears some crewpersons talking about dilithium crystals and BAM there’s another blizam! Bones and Kirk come up right behind him and Bones is SHOCKED to see that he has that cut on his forehead! Jim thinks it was a joke, but it totally wasn’t. Don’t you ever doubt Dr. McCoy, Jim Kirk! I will CUT you!

Personal Log: I just can’t picture Bones playing pranks. Jim, yes, but not Bones. Jim playing pranks ON Bones.

Kirk takes Crazerus to the bridge. Spock has found the source of radiation. The scanners didn’t pick it up before because… it’s not there? Spock says it’s a rip in the universe. Wait, when did we switch over to Doctor Who??

Spock says something about crystals and Crazarus goes crazy about them being the solution for trapping his FOE. Too bad Kirk won’t give them to him. Crazerus storms off the bridge and has another blizam- and his cut is GONE! Also, he has found his way to engineering.

Personal Log: This is getting complicated. Non-Cut Lazarus is now dubbed “Loserus”. Because I CAN, that’s why!

Ok, how do those two peons not see him standing behind the screen? I’m calling shenanigans! Good thing Loserus is stupid enough to attack the pretty lady when she’s talking to Kirk on the intercom.

Oh, now two crystals are missing. They search with no luck, so they take Loserus back to the planet. The rip in the universe has disappeared. Let’s all split up to search for stuff.

Personal Log: What did we say about splitting up?? IT’S ALWAYS A BAD IDEA. Jim Kirk, you’d better put your listening ears on before someone gets hurt!

Oh, shock, another blizam. This time, the weather gets all stormy too. Lozerus falls off a mountain AGAIN. Sigh. Take him back up to see McCoy.

The computer says Loserus is a liar! The planet he says he came from doesn’t even EXIST! Let’s hear the truth, mmkay? It seems he’s from the planet below and his spaceship is a TIME MACHINE! He freaks out and Kirk says WHERE ARE THE CRYSTALS? Bones says my patient needs rest and get that muscle man Red Shirt out of my sick bay! McCoy will make sure Loserus doesn’t go anywhere this time!

Blizam,Crazerus is back. Nice.

Jim wants answers from Spock. He has some, OF COURSE. The source of radiation isn’t from our universe or even IN our universe. Overlapping parallel universes COULD happen, yaknow. It totally explains what’s been going on. Spock says Lazarus acts like he’s two different men. One is matter, the other anti-matter. If they meet, total complete annihilation of everything everywhere!

What a downer. Sheesh.

Crazerus is somehow freely roaming the halls again. Come on, Bones! You had ONE JOB. What’s the point of being a doctor if you can’t hypo a guy to keep him in sick bay?

Just kidding- I totally love you, Bones.

Crazerus starts unplugging things in a wall. Nice.

Captain! Fire in engineering! Come on, Spock! Let’s go!

Crazerus grabs the crystals and knocks out the transporter dude so he can beam down to the planet. Kirk’s gonna go after him- Spock, get some red shirts and follow, k?

Crazerus installs the crystals in his space ship and acts all super creepy! Jim comes after him and gets zapped into the other dimension aaah! Oh, look, it’s Loserus! He’s the not crazy one, apparently.

He explains to Kirk that the two Lazeruseses can only meet in the space hallway between universes or else everything will blow up. Loserus says Kirk needs to force Crazerus into the hallway and destroy his ship. Loserus will let himself be trapped forever with Crazerus to keep two universes safe, aaw!

Kirk goes back through the space hallway- Spock distracts Crazerus so Jim can fight him really awkwardly. He forces Crazerus intothe hallway and gets back to the Enterprise so Not-Sulu can phaser Crazerus’ spaceship. That’s the end of that!

Jim tells Spock that everything’s all right for us. Of course, there will be no escape for the Lazeruses forever and ever.

THE END

Personal Log: Way to end on the angstiest note possible, guys. Thanks a bunch. Sigh. We can’t finish like that. Here you go:

THE END (for reals this time)

Errand of Mercy

Episode 26: Errand of Mercy

Netflix Summary: “Kirk tries to establish an outpost on a planet inhabited by seemingly primitive Organians. When Klingons attack, Organians show their true evolution.” (Accuracy Rating: Meh/10 for not sounding remotely interesting.)

SPOILER ALERT: Dr. McCoy does not appear in this episode. I know, I know, it’s enough to make you want to throw a taco through the computer screen, but please, stick with me and I promise there will be enough Kirk and Spock BFFL action to make this one worthwhile… almost. Also, here’s this:

Ok. Moving on.

On the bridge of the Enterprise, Jim and Spock are talking about the Klingons. It seems they’re gonna try to take over Organia, a primitive, peaceful planet. Those jerks!

BOOOOOOM it’s a Klingon attack!!! Return fire and fling yourselves around the bridge! Shockingly, Team Kirk wins the battle. Ahura’s got a Code 1 from Starfleet!

They’ve still got a job to do- deny Organia to the Klingons. Warp factor 7.

After the credits, they’ve made it all the way to Organia. Kirk’s leaving Sulu in command while he and Spock go on a field trip. He tells Sulu that if the Klingons show up, he’s to get the flip out of there and find some backup!

They beam down to a little medieval style town. The welcoming committee is a weirdo in a purple dress. Nice. His name is A…something. He says they don’t have anyone in authority but you can talk to the council, k? Spock’s gonna do some investigating in the village.

Kirk tells the council THE KLINGONS ARE COMING. Gee, thanks, but they don’t need Kirk’s protection and they don’t need defenses and they don’t care at all. Somehow, these people are totally immune to The Great Shatner’s charm and charisma! They’re worried about HIM and say he needs to get back to his ship.

Oh look, it’s Spock! He tells Jim this society is totally stagnant- no advancement for tens of thousands of years.

In other words, It’s ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT. * ukulele solo *

I just couldn't help myself. #sorry #imnotsorry

Sulu calls down to say THE KLINGONS ARE HERE! They can’t drop the screens to beam up Kirk and Spock. Jim says get the flip out of here like I told you!

So now Jim and Spock are stranded with six male versions of Kristen Stewart in the middle of a Klingon invasion. AWESOME.

The upside is they get to dress like medieval peasants now! Kirk can be an Organian, and Spock can be a trader. Everyone else is gonna stay passive and emotionless.

Here comes Mr. Klingon of the Year himself, GENERAL KOOR. Kirk’s new Organian name is Barona. He’s a little feisty and Koor likes it, so he picks Barona Kirk to be his errand boy. They take Spock to the examination room to make sure he’s telling the truth about being a trader. Jim gives some evil eyes to the council peeps and goes too.

Personal Log: The boys are lookin pretty flippin awesome in their LEG WARMERS. What what!

After giving them rules and deciding they’re telling the truth, Koor sends Barona Kirk and Spock away. They get a little bffl chat and Spock has to keep Kirk from fighting Klingons in the street (more than once). Oh, Kirk, you’re such a hothead! They think maybe they should do a little… communicating. By the munitions dump. At night.

Basically, they cause an XXL Mythbusters-Approved, Michael Bay Budget-Sized, Sonic Grenade-Induced SUPER ‘SPLOSION.

Yup, there was definitely an American involved in that!

In the council chambers, Asomething is all disapproving of the splosion. Everyone is, actually. Kirk gives a really stirring speech- too bad Koor is listening in. Nice.

He comes for Barona Kirk and says he is disgusted by Asomething. Koor’s gonna use the brain scanny thingy on Barona, so Asomething tells him it’s JAMES T. KIRK. Well, cripes, Asomething, you’re a total jerk! Kirk says he has no desire to die for the likes of ORGANIANS.

In Koor’s office, he tells Kirk he admires him. They’re the two tigers on a planet of sheep (I CALL BAND NAME!).

Koor wants to know about Starfleet… Kirk says GO CLIMB A TREE. Koor says he’s gonna kill Spock and turn Kirk into a veg if he doesn’t start talking. Then he gives Kirk 12 hours.

Personal Log: Really, Koor? REALLY? You’re a general of the most vicious race in the universe and you’re going to give your extremely famous adversary 12 hours to think of an escape plan? REALLY???

They put Jim in the dungeon with Spock. There’s no way out! Except, apparently, for Asomething rescuing them. Well, that was nice of him. Weirdo.

Koor comes over the loudspeaker and says my prisoners better get back! Also, I just killed 200 peoples. The council guys don’t even react! What is the DEAL with these dudes anyway? Kirk gets his phasers back and says you guys make me sick, but we’re gonna go out and die anyway so MAYBE you’ll get the point, LOSERS.

Personal Log: After that scene, I’m seriously considering the possibility that there is a real planet called Organia, and Kristen Stewart is from it.

Kirk and Spock leave to storm the castle, and the council goes all zen like they’re gonna do something other than stare blankly at the wall. Frankly, I’m not holding out much hope.

BOOM the dream team makes it to Koor’s office. He tells them the Federation fleet is on its way. So is the Klingon fleet. He’s pretty sure the Klingons are gonna win.

Also, someone is always watching… aw, cripes, here come GUYS!

OUCH! Everyones’ weapons are super hot! They can’t even touch each other! On the Enterprise, everyone’s jumpin’ around- Sulu calls Kirk and says all the buttons are hot, too! The Council comes in and says sorry, y’all, but we had to stop you because violence is never the answer (Pay attention, kids. Also, stay in school and stuff).

Kirk and Koor both get mad at Asomething for stopping their war and start yelling at each other.

The council says Organians can’t die and we can stop you all from warring, so there. Also, get the flip off our planet- all these physical bodies are harshing our mellow. Then they turn into lights and float away!

Kirk and Koor part ways as frenemies and there’s not going to be a war, obviously.

Later on the Enterprise, Jim tells Spock that he’s embarrassed about his behavior in front of the Organians. Spock is very comforting and bffl. Oh, you two!

THE END!

The Devil in the Dark

Episode 25: The Devil in the Dark

Netflix Summary: “When a monster kills several men at a mining colony, Kirk and Spock investigate. Spock learns the odd creature is intelligent, with a valid motive.” (Accuracy Rating: 10/10! I’m totally impressed!!! Although, no mention of McCoy. -1)

You know you’re in for a treat when the episode starts with danger music, caves, and jumpsuit people. These jumpsuit people are scared of some murdering thing.

Schmidder (ya, rly) is all “the monster is gonna get me!” and the chief is all “too bad suckaaaah”. Also, the Enterprise is on its way, WOOT. The other jumpsuits walk away and Schmidder the Mining Red Shirt gets seared to a crisp.

Personal Log: I have a feeling the writer of this episode had a personal vendetta against a real person named “Schmidder”. I mean, come on- that’s not a name you think up on your own!

(Personal Log.2: I need to make a list of people I have a personal vendetta against, so I can kill them off when I write an episode for a science fiction show.)

The Enterprise shows up and Kirk, Spock, and BONES YAAAAAAY beam down to meet their new friend, the Mining Chief. Apparently the monster started attacking when they opened a new level a couple months ago, and it’s moving toward the surface!

They kept what’s left of Schmidder for McCoy to look at because he’s the best lumber trucking doctor in the galaxy, and don’t you forget it!

Kirk and Spock make another new friend named Ed. He saw the monster and shot it with his phaser- it didn’t even slow down!

Personal Log: Ed is in a PURPLE jumpsuit. NOICE.

Spock finds a pretty purple ball. It’s a silicon nodule or something. Chief and Ed leave and McCoy comes back. He says Schmidder was acid-ed to death!

Down at the Power Reactor, Johnny Jumsuit hears something rocky and BLAAAAAAAAAARH he’s burninated too!!!

Personal Log: I just got an idea of what the monster could be…

Or maybe…

Yeah, one of those. DEFINITELY.

The main circulating pump is GONE! Aw, cripes.

Jim gets Scotty to start working on some kind of ghetto-rig (just put some duct tape on it! …duck tape? Dutch tape?...). Then he tells Chief to CHILL THE FLIP OUT ALREADY!

Spock speculates that the creature is smart and is doing things for a reason. Also, if the monster is made of silicon, phaser #1 wouldn’t work on it! Bones informs us that silicone based life is impossible… but it’s all they’ve got, so there.

Also, it’s time to get some Red Shirts down there- we don’t want our heroes to be in danger.

Also also, Spock is fascinated with that purple ball… rock… thing. He thinks maybe it’s important, but he’s already given Dr. McCoy enough to amuse him for awhile. Lols.

Jim goes to check on Scotty- his rig can only hold for a bit. Kiss it, flatter it, whatevs, just make it work!

Back in Chief’s office, they’ve gathered about a dozen Red Shirts. That oughta do it. Just to be safe, how about we send them all down to the place the monster was discovered and have everyone else stay topside.

Let’s all pay our respects to those Reds who are inevitably in their final moments on this earth.

Jim and Spock are also on the scavenger hunt in the caves. Spock’s tricorder has some traces of a siclicone life form!

Aaaaand there goes Red Shirt #1.

Kirk and Spock are right on the scene and The Great Shatner has a pitiful “my poor Red Shirt” face. Spock found a tunnel that was JUST MADE!... AAAAARGH IT’S THE MONSTER!!! SHOOT IT!!!!

They do, and it moves through the rock like we move through AIR!

…how poetic.

Looks like they blasted a chunk right off it! Spock sums up for those of us who were distracted by our lunches. Wait, that was just me? Oh. Thanks, Spock.

Kirk tells Captain Red Shirt to make sure everyone is even more scared careful, because now the dangerous animal is wounded. Awesome.

Spock figures out that there is only one of those creatures within 100 miles! He says that makes this the last of it’s kind and they shouldn’t kill it. Jim is having none of that, thank you.

Time to regroup with the Dead Shirts… I mean, Red Shirts. Let’s try to surround the thing and KILL IT. When the reds leave, Jim says no more talk of capturing, got it, Spock? Also, go back and help Scotty. Spock has a dejected face. Don’t send him away, Jim! He doesn’t (logic wins again!).

…but please stay out of trouble, Mr. Spock.

Also, Scotty’s rig just gave up the ghost. Kirk says evacuate everyone but Chief tells him some jumpsuits are gonna stay, so there!

Jim and Spock come to a fork (don’t worry, the two tunnels meet back up later). I know- let’s split up!

Personal Log: What is this, Scooby Doo? DO NOT SPLIT UP SOMETHING BAD ALWAYS HAPPENS!

Oh, look who’s right, as usual.

Jim finds a whole lair with hundreds of those purple balls. He calls Spock to tell him and, cripes, there’s a cave in! Jim’s ok, so they’re gonna meet down at the end of the tunnels.

Then CRIPES the wall melts away in front of Jim- it’s the MONSTER!

Personal Log: The Great Shatner’s scared face is the best scared face of ANY SCARED FACE OF ALL TIME, EVER.

Jim points his phaser at it and it backs off. Why, look at that- it’s scared of the phaser!

Spock calls Jim to say the creature is in this area. Thank you, Captain Obvious! Spock says KILL IT - Wait, didn’t Spock want to capture it? Not if Jim could die, of course!

Jim has a seat and the thing turns around to show him the booboo it got earlier. Poor monster thing!

It’s Spock! Come on over, Mr. Spock. Meet our new friend! I’m calling her Hortense. This is what she looks like:

 Just without, you know, the cuteness.

Spock says maybe he can Vulcan mind meld Hortense. Jim says pls to try, bffl?

Personal Log: Only Mr. Nimoy Himself could be so awesome as to act like he’s communicating the thoughts of a rock monster. You go, Mr. Nimoy!

Hortense is in pain! You mean, mean boys, you hurt her! Hortense writes “no kill I” in the rock. So, don’t kill her, or she won’t kill you? That is an extremely important grammatical point to make, Hortense, and I think you should be capable of it after 37 seconds of contact with humanoids.

Spock says Hortense is extremely intelligent. Also, she’s a Horta (SEE WHAT I DID THERE?).

If they’re going to get the machine part thingy they need, they’ll have to win her confidence. This is also known as CALLING DR. FLIPPING BONES MCCOY. Spock seems to think McCoy can’t help as this is a silicon based creature, but I punch him in his face and he backs right off.

Kirk gets in touch with Captain Red Shirt, who says Chief and the gang are all restless. Kirk says DO NOT let the jumpsuits through.

IT’S BONES YAAAAAY! Jim tells him to help Hortense. Bones does a scan- that thing is made out of stone! He’s a doctor, not a bricklayer!

Jim says just DO IT OK! Also, Spock, tell it we’re trying to help- where’s the thingy we need to fix the reactor? Jim follows the directions and finds the machine part thingy, along with lots of broken purple nodule things.

Oh, and there’s some unrest further up the tunnel. Seems the jumpsuits want to get through. Captain Red is all Gandalf on them and they stay put.

Jim gets back to Spock and has him un-mindmeld. He shows him the broken ball- it’s an EGG! They’re ALL eggs! They’re about to hatch! That poor horta, she was just protecting her babies!

Aaaand the jumpsuits clobber the Red Shirts and come running down the tunnel. Way to be completely useless, Red Shirts. Why do we even keep you around? Oh, right.

Jim says the first man that fires at Hortense is DEAD! That thing killed 50 of Chief’s men! Well, you killed thousands of her kids, so you can just SHUT IT. Spock tells them that every few thousand years all but one horta dies and she raises the next bazillion of them. Apparently they’re very sweet, like hedgehogs.

Martin Freeman, is that you??

Kirk proposes a truce- the horta tunnel, the miners collect. More money for everyone, plus a billion cute little pets.

Also, Bones healed Hortense! He's very proud of himself!

 And Spock finds the horta’s logical mind to be curiously refreshing. Basically, everybody wins. Yay!

Back on the ship, they get in touch with Chief before they leave. He says the eggs are hatching and they’re all going to be RICH!!

Also, the horta’s aren’t so bad when you get over how ugly they are. Spock says the horta said the same thing about humanoids… but she did like his ears. Jim and Bones don’t believe him. Jim says you’re becoming more and more human all the time. Spock sees no reason to stand there and be insulted, lols!

BFFL-Ometer at maximum and Warp Factor 2, Mr. Sulu!

THE END! 

This Side of Paradise

Episode 24: This Side of Paradise

Netflix Summary: “The Enterprise lands on a planet where spores cause everyone to become very passive and affectionate toward one another. Kirk soon learns the secret.” (Accuracy Rating: YeahOk/10)

This is also known as the “Spock Loses His Crap” episode. (by me… and probably only me)

The Enterprise has arrived at a planet where apparently 150 people are probably dead because of death rays.

Spock, pick 5 people for the away team. One of them has to be Dr. McCoy (Kirk’s orders, not mine. Seriously. No, really. REALLY.).

They arrive at the dude ranch of the dead and The Great Shatner shows off his pensive face. …What the what? It’s people! One is named Sandoval. Bones speculates that this man is alive.

Wait… “He’s alive, Jim”?? Stop this, Bones. This is ridiculous. Bones, you are being silly, stop.

Spock says they’ll only be safe for a week because of the death rays, and Sandoval’s people should DEFINITELY be dead. Sulu wonders if maybe they are… Sulu, you’ve been watching The Walking Dead again, haven’t you? (cripes, guys, did you see the last episode???)

Personal Log: I am totes up for a zombie episode of Star Trek.

They find a lovely little farmhouse and meet a pretty blond chick who’s all fadey around the edges. That way, if we can’t tell she’s a pretty blond chick by looking at her face and hair, we’ll still know. She gets all swoony eyed at… SPOCK??

REALLY??

Wowzers.

Apparently they’ve met before… Jim gives Spock this look:

"Does he look like a shiny Sheldon?"

Sandoval says they have COMPLETE peace there and the away team can poke around as much as they like.

Sulu and Blue Shirt go wandering off and find an empty barn. There are no animals… Hmm…

Sandoval asks Fadey about her past with Spock. She lurves him but he didn’t lurve her (duh). They say he’s going to stay and there’s nothing he can do about it.

McCoy is finishing an exams and Jim comes in. He says everyone’s health is absolutely excellent and he wants to see the records from the expedition. Lucky for him, his bffl already has them! Aaaaw. You guys are so cute.

Sandoval takes Kirk away to look at sand. Oh hai, DeSalle! We haven’t seen you since that crazy guy’s castle! He tells Kirk there’s not much stuff planted at all even though that was the whole point of moving to that planet in the first place. McCoy says come back, Jim!

Apparently on the medical records from when they left Earth, Sandoval had no appendix. Now he does!

P.S. Bones casually mentions that he had two broken ribs once. So far I’ve come up with 79 ways that might have happened.

This is one of them- I call it a "shalligatear"

Fadeshous is completely macking on Spock. I don’t like her so much, friends. She is so needy and Spock is all business. She’s gonna take him to see how things… work. They meet a plant and Spock gets shot in the face with S’PORES! They give him a headache or something and then he’s all smiley… it’s weird. She jumps right in and gets kissy face with him. BACK OFF, TRAMP!

In the farmhouse, Kirk tells Sandoval that Starfleet wants everyone evacuated. Sandoval says NO. Kirk is taking these peoples whether Sandoval helps him or not!

Oh hai, Sulu! Collect ALL the people, ok? Also, where is Spock?

Spock? Spock? Spoooock? Oh, how nice, he’s looking at clouds with Blondie McFaderton. Spock, pick up your flipping communicator for heaven’s sake! She finally picks it up for him. Jim and Bones are so confused by Spock’s behavior. It’s pretty funny. Then Spock hangs up on James Tiberius Kirk!

Oh, and this little gem of a conversation happens:

Bones: “That didn’t sound at all like Spock!”

Jim: “I thought you said you’d like it if he mellowed a little?”

Bones: “I didn’t say that!”

Jim: “You said that!”

Bones: “Not exactly…”

Stop it, you two. My bffl-ometer is already maxxed out as it is.

Jim’s gonna go find Spock. Also, let’s use the buddy system, ok?

Kirk, Sulu, and Blue Shirt find Spock IN A TREE? Spock, what the flip is going on here? 

Spock takes them to meet his new friend, the plant. Sulu and Bluey get s’pored but Jim doesn’t. Oh, great, now he’s got FOUR drugged up hippies to deal with!

He gets back to the landing zone and Bones has OBVIOUSLY been s’pored based on the thickness of his accent (GUYS IT IS SO AMAZING I CAN’T EVEN. GUYS.). Kirk beams back up and, oh, how nice, EVERYONE has been s’pored thanks to the plants that got sent up. Ahura short circuited all the communications. Awesome. Jim throws a plant across the bridge and storms off.

There’s a line about 100 people long at the transporter room and they won’t listen to JAMES TIBERIUS KIRK! The whole wide world is mutinying!

He calls down to McCoy and his Velvety Smooth Georgian Accent is so delicious… oh man… He’s gonna go make himself a Mint Julip, he doesn’t have time to help Jim!

Kirk beams back down and finds Spock & Sandoval having tea. It’s very cozy. They tell him that there’s no wants or needs on the whole planet thanks to the spores, and Jim says COME ON, MEN! People need a challenge for heavens sake! Also, I’m going back to the ship. Peace out.

Welp, looks like Jim is the ONLY ONE LEFT on the Enterprise. It’s sad, really. He sits on the bridge all alone and logs his sad.

Then that plant he threw earlier perks up and s’pores him right in the face! He calls Spock and says lemme pack and then I’m comin, buddy!

Personal Log: Jim, why do you need the fat shirt? Just leave it. Leave the fat shirt. Just stop.

He goes to the lonely transporter room with his suitcase and is all ready to go when he realizes, cripes, I can’t leave the ship with nobody on it! I AM JAMES TIBERIUS KIRK AND I WILL NOT LEAVE!

Well, conveniently, that did it- No more spores!

Personal Log: I have a feeling they didn’t really think this through. What IS the message, anyway? All you need is rage? A spoonful of rage helps the s’pores go down?  

Kirk logs that he’s gonna try to get his Spock back, but an angry Spock is very dangerous!

He beams Spock up and calls him a mutinous, disloyal, computerized half-breed! We’ll see about you deserting MY ship! You’re an elf with a hyperactive thyroid! Etc etc etc and fighting ensues.

Finally, Spock grabs a big metal thing and is just about to smash Jim’s face in when he pauses. Jim says sorry, bffl, you know I totes love you! They decide to find a bunch of Twilight and Beiber fans to aggravate everyone into uns’poring.

Ok, ok, they’re going to transmit some kind of signal, but you have to admit that my idea would probably be more effective.

Ever the Vulcan, Spock points out that hitting a fellow officer means going to the brig. Jim says if we’re both in the brig, who’s gonna build a subsonic transmitter? Lols.

OH LOOK, IT’S BONES! YAYAYAYAY! He’s talking to Blondie who misses Spock, so he calls up to the ship and lets her talk to him. Oh, Spock, you’re breaking my little green heart! He beams her up and they talk for like 10 minutes or something, I don’t know, I left to use the new toaster oven my boss got for our kitchenette. Yay, toasted sandwiches! I’m pretty sure what had happened was Spock dumped blondie and now there are no more s’pores for her.

Spock and Jim get the signal going so everyone will get aggravated with each other. Sulu and DeSalle get in a full on shovel fight. A bunch of other people fight too.

Sandoval goes to see McCoy, who’s sitting under a tree with his mint julep looking TOTES MCCOOL. Sandoval’s been thinking about what kind of work they could give McCoy- you know they don’t need him as a doctor. Bones says “Would you like to see just how fast I can put you in a hospital?” Then he puts the guy on the ground without even spilling a drop of his mint julep. COME ON WITH YOUR BAD SELF!

Sandoval realizes they’ve wasted all their time because of the s’pores. McCoy is very encouraging and helpful and nice and wonderful and lovely and I JUST LOVE YOU BONES I TOTALLY DO! He calls up so Sandy can talk to Kirk and tell him they’ll cooperate.

Later on the bridge, Kirk decides that maybe they weren’t meant for paradise. Also they haven’t heard much from Spock… he says for the first time in his life, he was happy.

Sniff….

Sniffle…

Sniff sniffle….

THE END!!!

(I know, that was an extremely depressing way to end.... so here's a picture of Spock with a tribble:)

A Taste of Armageddon

Episode 23: A Taste of Armageddon

Netflix Summary: “Arriving at a planet where his crew are slated to die, Kirk learns they’re in a virtual war in which people must commit suicide to avoid real combat.” (Accuracy Rating: Syntax??/10)

The Enterprise is en route to a new star cluster for “diplomatic relations” (I BET you are, James T. Kirk!). We have a new, uh, “friend” this week. He’s a stuffy old ambassador named Fox. I do not like him.

They get close to a planet and receive a Code 710, which means STAY AWAY! Fox says go anyway, and he doesn’t care if they get involved in an interplanetary war or whatever. Kirk is so not cool with this.

Captain’s Log: We have to go to the planet because Fox said so. P.S. the Ambassador is a total dirt bag.

Spock says this planet is at war with its neighbor, and the first ship to make contact was never heard from again! Kirk tells Ambassador Fox he are absolutely not going to the planet with them BECAUSE I SAID SO. Scotty, the ship is yours!

Personal Log: I am officially upgrading Scotty to bffl status as a direct result of the glare he just gave Fox. You go, Mr. Scott!

Oh look, the away team has a welcoming party! Its two guys with shiny boxes on their heads and a girl in a toga… thing. Kirk macks on her immediately (there’s a SHOCKER). She says we warned you not to come here… dundunduuuun.

Time to meet THE HIGH COUNCIL! Mr. Anon 7 says sorry guys, we’re at war. Spock says that’s not possible because everything is pretty and calm and lovely and BEEP BEEP BEEP Vendicar is attacking! OH they hit right in the city… but… uh… there are no explosions or anything. What the heck, toga chick? Why are you all sad and stuff?

Kirk says, “You people be crazy” and Anon says, “No we isn’t!” Spock realizes that they fight their war with computers. Someone “dies” in a “battle” and they have to go to a disintegration machine. Um, WHAT?? Spock says it’s logical, but he does NOT approve.

Oh, and the Enterprise has been, uh, “hit” too. Anon says everyone has to come down to be died. The Away Team will be hostages just in case somebody decides they don’t WANT to die. Nice.

On the ship, Bones IS FINALLY HERE YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAAAAAAAY

Ahem. Sorry. On the ship, Bones is talking to Scotty. They should’ve heard something by now! Bones says they can’t just sit here, but what can Scotty do? Oh, hey, it’s Jim on the comm! He says everyone come down for shore leave. EVERYONE. CRIPES, it’s not Kirk at all, it’s Anon! Scotty can totally tell because he is AWESOME. Also, he has technology.

Back on the planet, Spock does a mind-meld THROUGH A FLIPPING WALL.

Personal Log: Spock is totes the cool.

They escape, find a disintegration machine, and blow it the flip up!

I should probably mention that Spock’s new method of disabling a guard is as follows:

Anon finds out the away team escaped. He says get ready to open fire for REALS- uh oh!

On the ship, Scotty is all ruffled that they’re taking pot shots at the Enterprise! Good thing they had the screens up! Fox shows up (bleck) and says Scotty, you don’t get to fire anything or do anything or blah blah blah. Bones says THEYRE HOLDING OUR CAPTIAN! Fox doesn’t care. What a maroon.

He orders them not to fight back and leaves the bridge. FLIPPING DIPLOMATS.

Back on the planet, the away team goes back to their holding room. They’ve got some weapons and disguises. Kirk charms Toga Chick so he can get some info.

The Council is getting a message from Fox. Fox says what the flip, dudes? Anon says totes my bad, guys, it was just a mistake! Also, why don’t you come down, Foxy? Fox says ok, new best friend! McCoy and Scotty are not believing this guy.

Fox says lower the screens and Scotty says HECK NO! Not until the Captain tells me to! He and McCoy are defiant and AWESOME. Send me to a prison planet, Fox! Put me in your report, Fox! I don’t curr!

Fox storms off the bridge and the haggis is in the fire now!

…I don’t know, I just repeat it because it sounds SO COOL when Scotty says it.

We join Anon in his quarters. Oh look, it’s Jim! They have a little philosophy class and Jim says I want my ship! Oh, how nice, Anon has a distress button. Go ahead, Kirk, have a drink and a chat while the guards come. Kirk says he doesn’t need a ship to destroy the planet and he’s TOTES FOR REAL, GUYS.

Personal Log: I am now convinced that The Great Shatner could destroy an entire planet WITH ONE EYEBROW.

Anon tells him where the communicators are, but Jim’s not a dummy! He knows there are guards outside and he ALMOST takes them out but one gets a cheap shot. Take him to the council room!

OH, LOOK, Fox just beamed down. Anon says oh, hello Ambassador, how you is? Come along with me. P.S. Time for you to die, sorry.

And THAT’S why you ALWAYS listen to Scotty!

Spock has got a crappy communicator working. He tells Scotty not to let ANYONE beam down- well, cripes, Fox just left. Spock’s going to find the ambassador and the captain with his two red shirts in their new guard costumes.

Spock saves Foxy just in time and blows up another disintegration machine. It’s a peculiar variety of diplomacy. Cheerio and stuff.

Anon STILL wants Kirk to get all his peeps to come be disintegrated. This guy just does not know when to quit! He opens a channel to the Enterprise- as soon as Scotty says hiya, Kirk yells SCOTTY GENERAL ORDER 24 (aka “kill ALL the planet”) IN 2 HOURS! Then Anon says start beaming ppl down or we’re gonna kill your away team. Also, he tries to fire on Scotty, but the ship is out of range. Bazinga.

James Tiberius Kirk has had enough of this nonsense.

Scotty gets in touch with the council to tell them they’ve locked on to the whole planet so they can blow it up. Give us back the away team OR ELSE! Kirk acts like The Amazing Human Bowling Ball and gets the only two phasers in the room. Spock runs in and says “oh, my bad, I thought you needed help!” Lols.

Jim gets in touch with Scotty and says cross your fingers! Then he tells Anon you can’t have war without the bad stuff or you don’t care about stopping it! He has Fox take everyone out into the hallway while he and Spock play with the computers in the war room. They blow up ALL the things!

Well, Anon, guess you’d better get in touch with Vendicar and make nice! Foxy here will stay and help (we don’t want him back on the ship anyway, obviously).

All the bffls gather on the bridge. Spock says you took a big chance and Kirk says nah, dude, I had a feeling. Sometimes that’s all we have to go on, Mr. Spock.

Jim almost makes Spock believe in luck, and Spock almost makes Jim believe in miracles.

THE END!

Space Seed

Episode 22: Space Seed

Netflix Summary: “The Enterprise encounters brutal super humans led by Khan Noonien Singh, who battles Kirk for control, turning a trusted colleague against Starfleet.” (Accuracy Rating: 9/10! Way to go, team!)

Guess what this episode is??

In the interests of pure human decency, I think it’s best to just get this out of the way right up front:

Ok. Moving on.

We open on the Enterprise following a distress call in morse code of all things! The ship is a DY-100 class built centuries ago! Bones comes over the speaker (guys, his voice is even more velvety smooth when disembodied, I can’t EVEN) and says there’s life on that there ship! All decks go to full alert while the credits roll.

Personal Log: I KNOW we haven’t finished season 1, but it still kills me every time DeForest Kelley doesn’t show up on the credits. Come on, season 2!!!

An hour later on the Enterprise, the old ship is still ignoring them. BONES COMES ON THE BRIDGE WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT and says there are 60-70 bodies and they’re not breathing, but they’re alive. Also, we apparently had a worldwide eugenics war in the 1990s. I… don’t remember that.

 Pictured: What I remember from the 1990s.

Bones is going on the away team! He has to- Jim’s not actually giving him a choice. Lols.

Kirk’s also taking along the ship’s historian. Her name is MACGYVER and based on the state of her cabin, she REALLY likes gladiators and Napoleon and dudes like that.

In the transporter room, Jim asks Bones if he’s ready. He is NOT. He signed aboard this ship to practice medicine, not have his atoms scattered across space by this gadget!

Jim correctly points out that McCoy is an old-fashioned boy. AND WE LOVE HIM FOR IT.

They get to the other ship and there are people in little built in shelving units. Scotty confirms it’s an old ship, and MACGYVER says it’s a sleeper ship because it took so long to get from one planet to the next. She is all smitten with how handsome they are. I can tell she’s going to be trouble.

Hey, wait- someone is waking up! It’s that guy from Fantasy Island! MACGYVER is mackin on sleeping dude so hard she won’t even listen to James Tiberius Freaking Kirk. Yup, she’s DEFINITELY going to be trouble.

CRIPES! He’s dying! Kirk breaks the glass to get him out. Bones takes him back to the Enterprise- Jim wants to make sure they can save him before they wake anybody else up (as if DOCTOR LEONARD MCCOY couldn’t save someone- COME ON).

Spock can’t find any records of that ship, and he hasn’t got a theory because he has no facts! Don’t worry, though, he’s not capable of being irritated #YesHeIs #haha.

Let’s all go to Starbase 12, ok?

Jim takes a trip down to sick bay to see Bones (WHO THE FLIP WOULDN’T). McCoy says this dude is definitely an improved breed of human. MACGYVER shows up and is all breathy because the dude is so hot or whatever. Kirk wants to talk to her because she did a CRAP job in the landing party. He’s not cool with her being swoony either. Now get the flip out of sick bay so we can focus on Bones.

CRIPES! Dude is awake! Ok, sorry, I can’t call him dude anymore. Everyone knows by now that (SPOILERS) it’s flipping KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAN.

He does a little yoga breathing and sees some old-timey operating stuff displayed on the wall, like, you know, KNIVES.

BONES, DON’T GO IN THERE! He’s pretending to be asleep, the big faker. He pulls the knife and Dr. Leonard Flipping McCoy says, “Well, either choke me or cut me, make up your mind!” 

KHAAAAAAAN says where am I? Bones says you’re in bed, holding a knife to your doctor’s throat. Then he tells him the most effective place to slice his neck. If anyone ever doubts my undeniable love of Dr. McCoy, THIS is the scene I will show them. Oh my stars, he is such a bad-behind lumber trucker!!!

KHAAAAAAAAAAAN is awed by the majesty of Dr. McCoy. AS HE SHOULD BE. Also, he has many questions for the captain.

First, he wants to know where they’re going. Second, he says revive his 72 remaining other peeps. Kirk says I will, when we get to Starbase 12. Kirk wants to ask some questions now but KHAAAAAAAAAAN is getting fatigued (LIAR). Also, he wants to study the technical manuals on the vessel (UGH DON’T LET HIM COME ON KIRK WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU TODAY YOU WILL REGRET THIS FOREVER JUST STOP).

Back on the bridge, Spock says there were advanced men who took over 40 countries in 1993 (……..). Spock says 90something of them were unaccounted for when all the superdudes were finally taken down.

MACGYVER goes to talk to KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN. I so don’t like her. OH I so don’t even like her. Way to set women back 3000 years, you little tramp. KHAAAAN even forces her to change her hair to a way he likes it. Pig. Guess what? MACGYVER LIKES HIM ACTING THAT WAY. Ugh. Can we just go get some Junior Mints, please? Ok. I’m going for Junior Mints. I’ll be back when the awkward flirtfest is over.

MACGYVER even sets up a feast for KHAAAAAAN and all the mens have to wear their dress uniforms. Jim asks Bones about her attraction to KHAAAAAAAN. They’re both worried. So am I, especially because we cut to him going to her room. AAAAAAAND there’s kissing. COME ON. Is this a kissing show?? Where are all the phasers??

Oh, good, we’re having that feast now. KHAAAAAAAAN says they left Earth for adventure and that things were faaaabulous on Earth back in the day, or would have been if one dude could have ruled. Hmmmmmm…. Kirk’s having NONE of this little git, and tricks KHAAAAAAAAN into revealing that he was one of the evil dictators from the 1990’s!!!

 Pictured: Evil Dictators from the 1990s.

KHAAAAAAAN excuses himself back to his quarters and MACGYVER shows up. Bleh. Now I’m going for tacos, brb.

I got back in time to see him being mentally, emotionally, and physically abusive to her. Yup, that’s a man you can count on, MACGYVER. UGH. He tells her he’s gonna take over the ship and she wants to help because she lurves him.

COME ON.

The MEN, meanwhile, are doing their research in the conference room. Looks like KHAAAAAAAAN ruled ¼ of Earth and was the last to be overthrown. Jim, Scotty, and Bones all troll Spock because it’s SO FUN.

Jim goes to pay a visit to KHAAAAAAAAAN. He reveals that they know who he is, so time for some answers, Dictator-Head! KHAAAAAAAN is extremely demeaning to Kirk and I want to reach through the screen and punch his face. Kirk’s having none of it and acts infinitely superior. Then he just walks out.

Personal Log: Why the flip did they just put one lowly redshirt at KHAAAN’S door???? I think that’s a bad idea…

Oh, look, I was right. He opened the locked door all by himself and is now in the transporter room where MACGYVER has a phaser on Lt Kyle. She beams KHAAAAAAAAAAAN over to his ship where he wakes up ALL the people!

Kirk gets word that KHAAAAAAAN has escaped! He can’t get off the bridge- they’ve disabled the elevators AND all communications! CRIPES! KHAAAAAAAN says the ship is his. Also he’s shut off life support to the bridge. Looks like KHAAAAAAAN was thorough in his studies- I TOLD you it was a bad idea to let him read stuff! If Kirk doesn’t give up the bridge, everyone on it will suffocate!!!

In his log, Kirk is perturbed that they’ve got his ship. He gives recommendations for all the peoples on the bridge who are about to die. He takes full responsibility and passes out… No, no, there’s just something in my eye.

In the conference room, KHAAAAAAN has Spock, Scotty, Ahura, Bones, and a couple assorted shirt colored expendables at phaser point. Looks like they didn’t die after all! MACGYVER is there too, lookin all smug. YOU TRAMP!

KHAAAAN needs them to help him run the ship. Scotty says whayre is Captin Kerk?? They force Ahura to turn on the screen by smacking her! She shoots eye daggers so hard I’m surprised that dude’s not dead! On the screen is the medical decompression chamber with the air being sucked out. CRIPES, JIM IS INSIDE! Oh guys, what can we do?? KHAAAAAAN will kill the captain if they don’t join him!

He wants to find a planet to conquer colonize. If they don’t help, they’ll all take turns in the CHAMBER OF DEATH (what? It’s better than “medical decompression chamber”).

MACGYVER excuses herself so she doesn’t have to watch people die. Ugh. KHAAAAAAAAN says if any one person joins him, he’ll let Kirk live. Hey, they’ve lost the channel! It doesn’t matter, the captain is DEAD! Take Spock next!

At the CHAMBER OF DEATH, MACGYVER gives the guard a hypo and saves Kirk’s life! Oh, MACGYVER, there is hope for you yet! HOORAY HOORAY HOOR-aw, crap. She only saved Kirk so he wouldn’t kill KHAAAAAAAN. Sigh.

Spock comes in and they have bffl catch up time. They’re gonna gas ALL the decks!

KHAAAN is having trouble getting in touch with his peeps, and gas comes in the vents! Scotty manages a suckerpunch and gets the heck out of there. Too bad KHAAAAAAN got out too! HURRY TO ENGINEERING, KIRK!

KHAAAAAN gets Kirk’s phaser and FOLD IT IN FREAKING HALF. Oh. My. Cripes. He’s overloaded the engines! They only have MINUTES! He and Kirk start fighting and Kirk’s stunt double doesn’t even remotely look like The Great Shatner. It’s kind of embarrassing.

Basically, James T. Kirk is a BOSS and no mere mortal can stand against him. He knocks out KHAAAAN with a piece of the engine room and stops the overload.

They have control of the Enterprise now, but what’s he going to do with KHAAAAAAAN and MACGYVER? I have one idea…

Oh, well, they’re going to have a hearing, apparently, and drop all the charges. Kirk’s going to dump them all off at a wild world. (DON’T DO IT JIM YOU WILL REGRET IT FOREVER!) Also, MACGYVER is going to go with them because she’s a hopeless broad who needs a jerk of a man to control her. UGH.

THE END

….OR IS IT???

Nope, definitely not the end.