The Return of the Archons

Episode 21: The Return of the Archons

Netflix Summary: “When the Enterprise travels to a planet where a Starfleet ship disappeared years ago, they find a tyrannical computer who rules its oppressed people.” (Accuracy rating: PrettyGood/10)

I’m going to admit that this is actually one of my favorites. It’s probably because of the costumes. I mean, come on- The Great Shatner, Mr. Kelley, and Nimoy Himself in western style 19^th century dress clothes?? It’s like CHRISTMAS!

We open with two guys in fancy dress running down a street. It’s Sulu and O’Neal! Some Jedi* are coming for them! O’Neal runs away and a Jedi rain sticks Sulu right as he’s beamed up. Sulu acts… funny.

DR. MCCOY! TRANSPORTER ROOM! It’s been 2 whole minutes and you haven’t been on screen!

Turns out the Enterprise was looking for traces of a ship that disappeared 100 years ago. Jim beams down with a new away team. They’re all dressed SO FANCY!

Personal Log: Bones in a western turn of the century suit. COME ON. Just in case you haven’t quite grasped the awesomeness of this situation, here’s a little screencap action for ya:

Not pictured: Lack of manliness.

No, I don’t know what’s going on with Spock’s opera cape. Let it go.

Right away, they all can tell that something’s not quite right…

They make a new friend who is a total creepeeeeeeeeeeeeer. He says if they’re looking for rooms, they can ask Regger, but they’ll have to hurry- it’s almost the Red Hour! The clock chimes and everyone goes COMPLETELY BATCRAP CRAZY. The away team starts getting beat up and stuff, so they run to Regger’s house.

Inside, they make three new friends. One is named Regger (obviously) and two are really old. They say the crazy party is called the Festival. It is the Will of Landru.

Just go with me, here.

One of the old guys is a meany head. He says he’s gonna tell on them for not being insane. Nobody likes a narc, old guy!

Regger shows the away team to their room and totally freaks out when they ask about Landru. He leaves them alone to watch everyone being ridiculous in the streets. The next morning, Jim’s lookin out the window. When the clock chimes 6, everyone stops where they are and wanders slowly and quietly off the street while I hide behind my tribble. CREEPFEST 3709.4.

Regger wants to know if they’re Archons…? Then some Jedi show up with the narc! The Jedi kill the other old dude. Boo, Jedi- I liked him! The Jedi tell Kirk that he will be ABSORBED. Kirk says I’mma go with NO. Apparently the Jedi don’t know what to do about that so they just look at each other. Spock congratulates Kirk on his logic.

Regger says he’ll take them to a safe place. All they have to do is walk reeeeeeally slowly and smile at everyone. Everything goes just fine until the expendable guy is an idiot. I bet he’s got a red shirt on under his costume. Run away! Run away! Run a- oh hai, O’Neal! He’s “of the body” or whatever so they take him along. Red Shirt wants to beam everybody up. Way to be a coward. Sheesh. They get to a safe place that looks like a cheap version of Camelot.

Regger says don’t let O’Neal wake up! He’s been absorbed! Landru will find us through him! Also, there is an underground of rebels. Sweet!

Kirk is ready for some answers. Regger says the Archons got pulled down from the skies (a STARSHIP!). Spock’s got some power readings that could destroy one! Jim calls the ship and Scotty says there are tractor beams on them. If they move, they’ll blow up, and if they can’t get the beams off, they’ll be pulled down in 12 hours! OH NOES

The away team is being probed! CRIPES it’s a creepy hologram dude in a toga! He’s Landru, apparently. He tells them he’s gonna bust a cap in them for disturbing the peace. Something like that. Then he supersonics them and they all pass out.

They wake up in a dungeon or something. All their phasers and communicators are gone! Guess what else is gone? MCCOY! NOOOOOOOO SOMEONE CALL IN THE REINFORCEMENTS!

Oh, wait- here he is! Aaaaand he’s been absorbed. AWESOME. Jim is NOT happy about it. Neither am I.

Some Jedi show up and say come on, Kirk! Your turn! They take him to a room where a laser gets him or something… I wasn’t really paying attention. I’m eating tacos, ok??

Back in the dungeon, the Jedi have come for Spock! He gets to the room with the laser or whatever and Kirk is all passive and stuff like the other absorbed people. Spock has a “aw HELL no” face.

The Jedi all leave and take Kirk with them. Spock finds out that the control booth operator is a good guy! Yay! He can’t answer Spock’s questions but he gives him some phasers. Back in the dungeon, Spock catches up with Jim. He’s been formulating a theory that everyone is being controlled by a machine! Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Time to kill Landru, yay!

Regger comes in with our other new friend from the laser room or whatever. They’ve got the communicators!

Oh no, Bones sees that they’re not of the body! He starts screaming his head off and Jim knocks him out. I’ll knock YOU out, James T. Kirk! Here come some more Jedi- Spock gives one a right hook and Jim says isn’t that somewhat old fashioned? Ahaha.

They take the Jedi’s robes and ask where Landru is. Come on, Regger and laser guy or whatever! Snap out of it! We need your help!!

Spock gets in touch with Scotty on the Enterprise- they’ve only got 6 hours, if that!

Now, about Landru. There was war and stuff so Landru took them back to a time of peace and tranquility. He’s still alive and is omniscient, apparently. Jim says freedom’s never a gift, it has to be earned! Regger freaks out so Spock has to pinch his neck. Ok, laser guy or whatever, it’s up to you! TAKE US TO LANDRU, OR ELSE!

They go to a big empty room and the hologram toga dude from earlier appears. He says they all have to die for the good of the body. Kirk does not intend to die. He and Spock shoot the wall- there’s another room with a computer in it! Let me clarify- the other room IS a computer. It takes up the whole room. Oh, and it’s Landru, apparently. They decide to phaser that lumber trucker. Too bad it doesn’t work.

Computer says I AM LANDRU! Jim says Landru died 6000 years ago. Kirk and Spock get Machine Landru to realize that HE is harmful to all the peoples and he self-destructs! …Well, that was easy.  

Come in, Enterprise! The heat rays have gone and Sulu is back to normal, yay! Let’s get the Away Team back on board!

Spock goes on about how smart Landru was. Jim says he would make a splendid computer. Spock says that’s very kind of him!

THE END!!!

Court Marshal

Episode 20: Court Marshal

Netflix Summary: “After an officer is killed in a freak accident, computer records indicate Kirk is to blame. Evidence at a court-martial reveals that Kirk was framed.” (Accuracy Rating: 10/10, but we’re taking away 8 points because there’s no SPOILER ALERT before the second sentence. Way to go, B-Team!)

On Starbase 11, Kirk is writing up a report for Commodore Stone. It’s about an ion storm and some guy being dead now. Apparently Kirk had to jettison the pod with Mr. Finney in it but he totally waited til the last possible minute! 

Here’s Spock with the computer extracts but, uh, um, something’s wrong or whatever.

Just then, a “little girl” (she’s probably 34 in real life) comes in and goes all crazy on Jim! She says he MURDERED HER DADDY! Spock takes her outside and Stone says the computer log shows that Jim jettisoned the pod BEFORE red alert! He’s confined to the base! CRIPES! I didn't expect some kind of Starfleet Inquisition!

Jim and Bones walk into a bar. ba-dum-TSH

Jim sees a bunch of his classmates from the Academy. They all think Kirk killed Mr. Fenney! …Jerks.

Kirk storms out as a hottie walks in. Bones swoops in for some flirty time (that rascal!) and it turns out she’s an old friend of Jim’s! How nice for them.

Back in Stone’s office, they’re having a hearing. Seems Jim was great friends with Mr .Feeney forever ago but they had a falling out because Kirk got him in trouble for being stupid ONE TIME. During the storm, it was Mr. Feeney’s turn to be in the pod. Jim says he gave Finney every second, and more! Stone says “Oh yeah? Then WHY does the computer recording say you blooped the pod at yellow alert and not red alert?”  

Stone says he’s gonna report that Jim’s worn out (WHAT??), because he doesn’t want a starship captain to stand trial. Jim’s not hearing any of this! He knows what happened! Stone says computers don’t lie! I say this guy has OBVIOUSLY never seen Terminator.

James Tiberius Kirk DEMANDS a general court RIGHT NOW!

Back in the bar, Jim meets with that hottie. Turns out she’s a JAG lawyer and, aw cripes, she’s prosecuting Jim! She DOES recommend a lawyer for him, though. Thanks a bunch, you backstabbing broad.

Jim goes back to his room and there’s a dude there with about a trillion books. His name is Mr. Cogley, Attorney at Law. Mr. Cogley likes books and not computers. I mean, he likes books a LOT. I think his house is made of books or something. He might even be married to one, but I can’t prove it.

Time for the trial! Jim is lookin SHARP in his dress uniform, oooh buddy! The computer gives us a quick recap, just in case anybody slipped out for Junior Mints. Jim pleads NOT GUILTY (cue dramatic music).

Spock’s the first one to get called to the stand. Kirk’s hottie lawyer friend gets him to say that he couldn’t FIND anything wrong with the computer, but he says it still IS wrong. WHY? Well, because he knows the captain, of course! And Spock knows that it is impossible for Captain JAMES T. KIRK to act out of panic or malice. Take that, Courty Courtersons!

Now it’s McCoy’s turn! OH MY STARS he’s lookin so sharp and gentlemanly in his dress uniform! I LOVE YOU BONES I TOTALLY DO. Hottie lawyer wants McCoy to insinuate that since Feeney hated Kirk, Kirk hated Mr. Feeney right back. NOT CAPTAIN KIRK! He’s not that kind of a man! …but it’s possible. Dangit. I don’t think I like you, Hottie Lawyer.

Time for Kirk to take the stand! OH GREAT SHATNER YOU ARE SO GREAT. The computer starts reading out all the awesomeness of Kirk through the years- it takes around 20 minutes because there’s just so much of it. In fact, he’s so full of win, they have to stop, like, 1/3 of the way through. Jim says suck it, Court Guys, I know what I’m doing!

Hottie Lawyer says let’s watch a little video, shall we? Oh cripes, it shows Kirk pushing the Jettison Pod button (conveniently located on the armrest of the captain’s chair??) instead of the red alert button! Jim says that’s not the way it happened!

Back in his room, Jim talks to Cogley about the progress. He’s feelin so down, I just want to give him a hug. Spock calls Jim and says he found nothing on the ship. Jim’s not surprised. He says it’s not all bad, Spock- maybe you can beat your next captain at chess. Sigh.

...Chess?................

Feeheeney’s kid comes in and is not insane this time. She says sorry to Jim (AS SHE SHOULD) and somehow says something that gives Cogley an idea. I have no clue what it is.

On the ship, Bones finds Spock playing chess by himself and he’s not too happy about it!

Spock says he’s just won his fourth game. Bones says that’s impossible! It’s true, though! Bones is all admiring of Spock’s logic and I LOVE IT. See, SPOCK programmed the computer for chess, so he shouldn’t be able to beat it! That means something’s wrong with the computer! LET’S GO, SUPERFRIENDS!

In the courtroom, Spock and McCoy run in just in time! Cogley is very passionate about how we can’t let computer rights be more important than human rights!!! That’s so totally true, I mean, have you seen I, Robot? Oh, yeah, he probably has. Cogley calls the COMPUTER to the stand! Let’s all go up to the Enterprise! FIELD TRIP!

Spock gets to explain how awesome he is at chess and logic. Someone adjusted the memory banks of the computer! Who could have done that? Why, MR. FEENEY, of course! After the storm, Jim did a Phase 1 search of the ship. He didn’t find FinneyFeeney, but, hey, what if FinneyFeeney didn’t WANT to be found? WHOA.

Everyone goes up to the bridge for a party. I mean, experiment. Kirk’s having all the people go ashore except the court and the command crew. 

They enhance the ship’s sound detector so it can hear everyone’s heartbeats. McCoy uses some future-wuturey thingy to mask each person’s heartbeat one at a time. Finally it’s just him left and OH CRIPES, there’s still a heartbeat!! WHO IS IT??? 

(I know, I just couldn't resist! #sorry #imnotsorry)

Spock finds out where he is and seals him off. Jim’s gonna go take him on, woot!

The Great Shatner voice-overs that Cogley went to get Finney’s crazy kid. Kirk finds Feeney in Engineering. He has gone completely bat crap crazy. Oh, and he has a phaser. He doesn’t want to kill Jim, he wants to kill the ENTERPRISE! He tapped out all the circuits! Aw, man! COME ON! That is SO not cool.

They’re running out of time!

Jim tells Feeney that his kid is on board! OH NOES! Then he wrastles Finney for the phaser and (shockingly) wins. Also, he gets his shirt ripped. Really, Jim? REALLY? What did you rip it on, the AIR?

...Just kidding, nobody cares. We all like it when you get your shirt ripped. You know this.

Anyway, Finney tells Jim where he sabotaged the ship. Jim fixes everything (AS USUAL) and totally saves the day.

Later, Hottie Lawyer says goodbye to Jim on the bridge. By kissing him. She says goodbye, and she kisses him. There's a SHOCKER. 

Bye, hottie lawyer! A little bit of BFFL time to wrap things up and it’s THE END!

Tomorrow is Yesterday

Episode 19: Tomorrow is Yesterday

Netflix Summary: “A black star sends the Enterprise back in time to 1960’s Earth. Before they can turn back, Kirk and crew must destroy all evidence of their visit.” (Accuracy Rating: 9.5/10. Looks like either the A-Team is back or the B-Team has graduated! Only time will tell…)

In this week’s episode, we make a new friend! Unlike previous new friends, he is NOT:
1. A creeper

2. A psychopath

3. Out to destroy everything we hold dear (read: BONES)

It’s very refreshing!

We open on a US AIR FORCE BASE from the 1960’s! Wild blue yonder and stuff!

They see a blip on the screen and think this might be a real life UFO. Turns out, it’s… the Enterprise?! What the what and time for credits!

Apparently our friends all got sucked in by a black star and slingshotted across space, oh noes! Conveniently, they’re orbiting Earth.

Ahura says there’s no Starfleet on the Starfleet Channel, but there is a guy talking about the first manned moon shuttle! Oh snap. They’re in the late 1960’s!!! Ahura’s getting ground to air transmission- aircraft coming in fast!

Sulu can’t get the helm to respond fast enough to outrun the jet! Spock says lets not get hit. Great idea, Spock. Thanks for that STELLAR advice.

Jim wants Scotty to tractor beam the aircraft in, but it starts breaking up, so they just transport the pilot on board. Run to the transporter room, Kirk! Pilot is looking a little, uh, confused. Welcome aboard the Enterprise! Time to go meet some peoples.

Pilot is shocked to see a lady crewperson! Also he is impressed with the ship. Also he’s not so sure about the future thing. Also, he’s never believed in little green men. Neither has Spock, ahahaha.

Spock pulls Jim aside because he’s worried about the pilot. They can’t send him back- he knows too much! If he changes anything, all they know might not exist! They’ll totally start disappearing from photographs and stuff!

Kirk wants pilot to get changed and meet with the bffls in Jim’s quarters.

Personal Log: Pilot looks pretty good in command yellow! I’m glad they didn’t put him in red.

Looks like there’s no relevant contribution by Pilot guy in the future so they can keep him forever! What about his wife and two kids?? COME ON, JIM! HAVE A HEART! You been hangin around Spock too long or what??

Scotty says they can get going in 4 hours but where the heck they gonna go? They in the past, foo! They have to get back- TO THE FUTURE! AAAW YEEEEEEAH

Later, Spock calls up to say he needs to see Jim and Pilot right away! Too bad Pilot is trying to escape! Kirk catches up and punches him in the face. You know what that means! TIME TO GO TO SICK BAY! YAYAYAYAY

Hello, Bones! I missed you! I totally did! Welcome, welcome welcome.

Bones says forget Pilot, they can’t let 400 Starfleeters loose on Earth! He thinks if they do get back TO THE FUTURE, Pilot can be retrained to fit in. Jim says he sounds like Spock. Bones says if you’re gonna get nasty, I’mma leave! LOLS.

Spock says he made an error. I agree with Bones- this could be a historic occasion! Spock says they must return Pilot because his SON will do something important! Pilot says he doesn’t have a son… Yet. LOL again. Jim says ok, we have to get him back.

Now for the problems. First, where do we beam Pilot to? Second, Pilot took photos! Third, Pilot called in to report!

Pilot says he can get them in the base where the evidence is! Kirk says nice try, you can’t come with.

Sulu and Kirk beam down inside the Air Force base. They find the right room and use their sonic screwdriver to get the door open.

Back on the ship, Bones is getting nervous. They’ve been gone 15 minutes! Spock says that prowling by stealth is slower. Also, he IS working on his time warp calculations. BAZINGA.

Personal Log: Spock-McCoy banter is totally the greatest. THE. GREATEST.

On the base, Kirk and Sulu have been CAUGHT! Air Force guy wants their belts and the bag with all the stuff in it!

Bones is still worried so Spock tries to call Jim’s cell. Air Force guy opens it and presses the emergency signal! The ship beams him up immediately- CRIPES! He’s not one of ours! Jim’s got his communicator back- as you can see, we have ANOTHER problem. Oh dear.

Jim says to keep the guy in the transporter room. Bones takes away his stuff and gives him the funniest look of all time. DEFOREST KELLEY YOU ARE SO GREAT.

Sulu gets a hold of some of the tapes and they start to leave. CRIPES AGAIN, SOMEONE ELSE IS COMING! Quick, hide behind a wall in clear sight! Oh, apparently it was JUST dark enough that nobody could see them. Nice.

They make it to the other room to look for the pictures. Alert! Alert! Somebody’s in the photo lab! Jim says for Sulu to signal Spock, he wants to check the files. AND here come all the military police guys! Kirk manages to close the door on Sulu, then starts beating people up. He gets tripped and captured but Sulu made it! Way to be a team player, Jim!

On the ship, Bones is all upset that Jim is still on the planet! He slams the table and says BLAST and is all exasperated.

IT. IS. AWESOME.

The MPs want to know how Kirk got in- he says believe me, you wouldn’t believe me. For the fourth time, his name is JAMES T. KIRK. He wants the colonel to be careful with the phaser. Quit throwing that around before someone gets hurt! Colonel says he’s gonna lock Kirk up for 200 years. Kirk says that oughta be just about right, ahaha.

Spock is getting help from Pilot. He says listen, Spock, you’re not getting coordinates unless you take me with you! Spock’s Eyebrow says fine, dude, whatever. They find Kirk and karate chop all the dudes. Hooray!

Then Pilot pulls a gun on them! Come on, Pilot, why you gotta go and do something stupid like that? Good thing Spock manages to walk around BEHIND Pilot and neck pinch him. He suspected Pilot might not want to go back with them. LOLS.

Back on the ship, Spock and Scotty are trying to explain to Kirk that they think they can time warp by slingshotting from the sun. They’ll go back in time a day or so and then throw Pilot out on the way forward. Scotty’s just worried they’ll go too far past their own time! Uh oh. Jim says they’ve got to take that chance. Obviously.

Here they go toward the sun! Scotty, get us up to 88 mph!!! …or something.

They drop off Pilot no probs. Now he won’t even remember what happened! Hooray! I have NO IDEA how that’s supposed to work but, hey, everyone’s happy, ok, yay.

They’re approaching their time! SCOTTY, THE BRAKES!!!

…It WORKS!!! Ahura’s got Starfleet on the channel! The Enterprise is home!

Arena

Episode 18: Arena

Netflix Summary: “Aliens abduct Kirk and a Gorn, a violent, lizard-like humanoid. To save their crews, Kirk and the Gorn must fight to the death, but Kirk refuses.” (Accuracy rating: Meh/10. I think the B team is trying to prove themselves.)

Jim, Bones, and Spock are going to visit Commodore Travers, who apparently likes food! Bones is very excited about this. I love food too, Bones! Also, you.

They beam down with one yellow, one red, and one blue. I feel like I should expect Red Shirt to die, but I’ve never seen the other two. Who can I get emotionally attached to? I don’t know!  P.S. the whole place has been destroyed.

CREDITS TIME! I think we need a little dance party.

Everybody try to hide behind the one medium sized rock! Jim sends yellow and blue out and keeps red with him, duh. I mean, even KIRK knows that the best way to protect yourself is to keep a Red Shirt around. They’re like “get out of death free” cards.

Spock might have found a survivor on his tricorder. He did! GO TO WORK, MCCOY!!!!

More life readings- they’re NOT HUMAN! *dramatic musiiiiic!* Hey, Red Shirt, why don’t you go take a look? Ok! And, of course, he’s immediately disintegrated. Great job, guys, we’re 3 minutes in and you’ve used up our only Red Shirt!

BOOM BOOM explosions! Sulu can’t beam them back to the ship because they’re fighting another ship! Jim says worry about us when the ship is safe! BOOOM BOOOM more explosions!

They move survivor man to a safer place and Jim sends the other two expendables out to take a look. Jim wants to get to the arsenal! He almost gets hit with a bomb but manages a SWEET ninja roll!

Kirk gets back in touch with Sulu and says protect the ship! Warp out of orbit, for heavens sake! Sulu is NOT happy about that but does it anyway.

Not one to be outdone by a human, Spock runs after Kirk and gets a few sweet ninja rolls in too. I wonder if that’s mandatory training at the Starfleet Academy- Ninja Rolls 101. I’d take that class.

Hey, Blue Shirt! Come tell us where to fire the grenade launcher! Shoot, that wasn’t a grenade, that was a flipping a-bomb! Good grief!

Sulu’s back! He beams the Away Team back to the ship. Time for a chase! In sick bay, Bones is looking so stately and posh, I totally can’t handle it. I love you, Bones. Love love love love love love love you. I do.  

Kirk wants to try to take out the guys they’re following… but the guys they’re following go faster, too! Time for Warp 7 (GASP!). Scotty says we’ll either catch them or we’ll blow up!

Spock tries to talk Jim out of taking on the aliens by being all BFFL with him. Kirk will have none of it! He wants justice for all those peoples!

A crime has been committed and we are the only policemen around, do I make myself clear? Spock says yes. Jim says, “I’m delighted, Mr. Spock”. And THAT’S how you burn someone when you’re a gentleman.

Kirk says go to Warp 8!!! Phasers, get ready! Sensors report they’re being scanned by the solar system ahead… weird. The alien ship is slowing down- it totally stopped! They’re just dead out there! We’ve got em!!!

WHOOOOA suddenly they come to a complete stop, too! Jim is a little impatient to know what’s going on. Spock says they’re being held in place by that weird random solar system. A trippy kaleidescope shows up on the screen- some dude says, “We are the Metrons and we’re not cool with all u peeps being violent and stuff”. They’re gonna take Kirk and the captain of the Gorn ship to a planet to fight it out, but they can only use what they can find. It’s like the Bear Grylls Gladiator Challenge or something. (how epic would THAT be?)

AW SNAP KIRK IS GONE! He’s on the planet, with a… lizard man? They each grab a branch and… immediately throw it away. Then they awkward fight while the Gorn dude makes growly noises that sound like an 87 year old smoker’s cough.

Jim throws a huge rock off a cliff at him and the dude is totally ok! Lizard picks up a ginormous boulder and throws it at Jim! Ok, Metrons, this is definitely not a fair fight. For reals.

Spock and Scotty are trying to figure out SOMETHING to do… they can’t.

Kirk decides to take a minute to recap on his little recorder, just in case someone left for popcorn. Basically, the Gorn is strong and Jim doesn’t know how the heck he’s supposed to make a weapon out of that crap planet.

Bones is on the bridge (YIPPEEEE) and is so upset that Spock’s logic can’t help his BFFL! I’m pretty sure Spock is upset too.

Oh, look, Jim found some bamboo! How exciting! NOT.

The Gorn found some vine! Also exciting... NOT.

Hey, Jim found some diamonds! HOW EXCITING!

…NOT.

Sigh.

Jim IS lookin pretty sweet in his hi-top All Stars, though. Need to get me some of those.

He finds Mr. Gorn workin on some project… directly underneath a mountain ledge with a TONNORMOUS BOULDER perched precariously at the top! How convenient! Jim climbs on up and pushes the boulder off. It smashes the Gorn! Too bad he’s… totally fine?? Ok, I’m officially calling shenanigans! That’s ridiculous! Jim thinks so, too. RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! …Keep running!

Yeah, and run RIGHT INTO Gorn’s trap! Now Kirk is stuck under a rock and here comes lizard man to finish him off with his shiv. Nice. Good thing Godzillorn is slower than molasses so Kirk can just run away. Sorry, LIMP away.

He stops to make another recording because it’s not like he’s being chased by an invincible creature or anything. Oh look, some yellow powdery stuff. It’s sulfur… wait… hang on… there’s something about sulfur… if only he could remember… Too late! RUN AWAY!

Bones says the word INCONCEIVABLE. Haha, hahaha.

The Metrons tell the bridge team that Kirk is losing the battle. Bones is totally awesome, so they hook up a cc tv system so Spock and McCoy can watch their BFFL die. How nice of them. Spock sees that Jim’s by a bunch of potassium nitrate…

Jim has an idea face! He starts running but gets stopped by the Gorn’s voice over his lil tape recorder- he wants Kirk to hang out so he can get him. I mean, come on, he’s getting tired, running around. Gorn says the humans invaded and that’s why they destroyed them! Bones says maybe ppls were wrong and the Gorns were protecting themselves, uh oh! Bones, you are so wonderful I can’t stand it. I love you. I totally do.

James T. Kirk’s momma didn’t raise no fool! He goes back to the bamboo, picks up a lil vine to go with it. Spock is all proud of his BFFL for figuring it out. Figuring what out, you ask? Well, he’s gonna make a CANNON! Let’s go back on a tour of all the places Jim’s been running/limping for the past 20 minutes. It’s like a scavenger hunt TO THE DEATH.

Assembly time! Kirk FINALLY gets all his crap together and cannons the mess out of that creepy lizard man! WOOHOO! Jim goes to finish him off but, being awesome, decides not to. After all, maybe the lizards thought they were protecting themselves back there when they killed everyone and destroyed a bunch of stuff. He yells this to the heavens. Do you hear, Metrons???? Apparently, yes. Gorn disappears and a SUPER CREEPY looking dude shows up. He’s all impressed by Kirk’s mercy and says see ya in a couple thousand years, peeps!

Jim gets appeared back on the bridge and his BFFLs are all stoked to see him again! Bones gives him a little shoulder hug and gets the heck off the bridge. Spock wants to know what happened after the cannon. Jim says humans are a promising species… aaand Spock has his doubts. LOL.

THE END!

The Squire of Gothos

Episode 17: The Squire of Gothos

Netflix Summary: “On a planet where Trelane, a childish alien fascinated by Napoleon, rules with godlike power, the Enterprise is captured. Kirk offers his life for it.” (Accuracy Rating: What the heck, Netflix?/10. Looks like the B team is back this week.)

Strap in, kids, this one’s a little crazy!

First, I have to say that whoever wrote this episode is my favorite. Why, you ask? I’ll tell you! Dr. Leonard H. McCoy arrives on screen in the first TWO SECONDS, YEAH BUDDY! Oh he is so wonderful. I love you, Bones! LOVE LOVE LOVE YOU. 

It’s coffee time on the bridge! They’re traveling through a Star Desert. Is it just me, or have we found the perfect name for the BFFL’s 80s pop band?

Bones and Jim are talking about the lovely things about deserts- oases, mirages, palm trees… Spock, of course, doesn’t understand. Suddenly, there’s something ahead of them! It’s a little planet! How did THAT get there? They decide to go around it, but Sulu and Kirk DISAPPEAR!!!

After the credits, Spock ships logs that they’re orbiting the random planet. Scotty says they’ve looked all over the ship for Kirk and Sulu. Man, if I was on the Enterprise, I’d play hide and seek every stinkin day. That sounds so fun!

Also, we’ve made some new friends this week. Their names are DeSalle and Jaeger. Welcome, friends! DeSalle and Bones want to go down to the planet immediately to look for their buds. Jaeger says the planet can’t support life at all. Way to be a buzzkill, Jaeger.

They get a message on a screen: “Greetings and Felicitations! Hip-hip-hoorah! Tallyho!” These phrases are all listed under “Things it’s incredibly super funny to hear Spock say”. Bones is excited because there’s life on the planet! Spock tells Scotty he doesn’t get to go- Scotty has a sad face. Aww.

Bones, Jaeger, and DeSalle all beam down with their cute little oxygen masks on. Don’t ask me why they aren’t wearing any other protective gear- what am I, a doctor or a… wait… um… Ahem. It doesn’t matter anyway- they end up in a place that’s exactly the same as earth! Too bad their communicators don’t work! Deedee’s going to try to find open ground for his beacon. He doesn’t find any. Guess what he DOES find? A CASTLE!! No, seriously. It’s a castle. Obligatory McCoy fighting a dragon picture in 3… 2… 1…

(because it's my blog and I can, that's why!)

Inside, they find all kinds of antique crap sitting around, along with KIRK AND SULU! They are frozen! The door closes abruptly and OH CRAP THERE’S A CREEPY DUDE PLAYING THE HARPSICHORD! (Yes, harpsichord. It’s like a piano. Stay with me here, kids.) Creepy dude is RAHthah British and, thankfully, he unfreezes Jim and Sulu. Apparently Earth is his hobby, but since he’s 900 light years away, he thinks they’re still in the 1700s! Oh, Squire, you are so silly!

Two seconds later, Jim has had all he can stand of this wacko. Trelane is all excited about DeSalle because he’s French. It happens. Dee tries to stun him but seriously, dude, he’s looking in a huge mirror! You didn’t think he’d see you??

Trelane takes Deedee’s phaser and starts playing with it. That’s a good way for someone to get hurt! The Great Shatner is so captainy, it makes me want to cheer. HUZZAH.

Squire Man says he can create anything he wants by rearranging matter. Then he has enough of Jim’s haste to leave and says they CAN’T go! Lemme show you why- and he sends Jim outside where it’s dangerous! Then he brings him back in and says FOOL NOBODY LEAVES MY CASTLE MWAHAHA… something like that.

Back on the ship, Spock and Scotty have the sensors working. They’ve found Trelane’s little happy bubble of life, hooray! They’re going to just beam up anybody they can find there. Sounds like a good plan.

On the planet, Bones tells Jim and Sulu that creeper doesn’t even exist according to his stealthy tricorder readings. Also, the fire has no heat. Jim tries to appeal to Trelane’s sense of duty, but Trelane says they all have to stay until this is over! When will it be over? When it is, of course!

Jim says “Dude, there are 400 people missing us, men and women!” WOMEN?? Oh, how exciting! Trelane wants all the ladies to come down for the party!

Too bad for him there’s a transporter signal! Kirk says the party’s over, thanks to Mr. Spock. I feel like that’s probably something people say often. Still, they make it aboard the ship and Kirk says GET THE HECK OUT OF HERE!

…But they can’t, because Trelane totally apparates onto the bridge! He’s all mad at Spock for taking his friends away! Jim says GET OFF MY SHIP. Suddenly, they are ALL back on the planet- all the bridge dudes plus Ahura and a blonde chick! Deedee tries to go after Trelane (again, yes)… Trelane laughs it off, then says YOU CAN’T PROVOKE ME AGAIN! …Creeper. Also, it’s time for dinner.

Trelane calls Spock ill-mannered (BURN)! Then he wants to dance with blondie and makes Ahura play the harpsichord! WHAT? Jim is so unhappy about the whole thing. I think maybe he needs a hug. Bones says the food and drink have no taste. Spock doesn’t find that unexpected- Trelayne knows all earth’s forms, but none of its substance.

They decide there must be some source of power that they might be able to destroy. The great big mirror probably has something to do with it. Time for The Great Shatner to be totally great and act all jealous and stuff. He’s so, so great. Trelane pulls out DUELING PISTOLS! Woohoo we’re gonna have an old timey duel!

Trelane says he gets to shoot first- it’s his game and his rules! If they don’t play along, he’ll shoot Spock! Ok, fine. Good thing Trelane shoots the ceiling instead of Kirk!!! Shoooooooooooooooooo, that was close!

 Kirk’s turn- he shoots the MIRROR! BOOM explosions and cartoony sounds and things go crazy and they can contact the ship again! Trelane is so mad right now! Then he DISAPPEARS! They all get beamed up and warp the flip out of there!

BUT WAIT! Trelane’s planet is right in front of them! They can’t get away from it! Jim’s going to beam down and make that crazy man give up the ship! He says if they don’t hear from him in an hour, leave!

Kirk finds himself in an old timey courtroom. Guess who the judge is? Yup, it’s General Squire Creepington himself. Oh, and he’s got a noose all ready. They argue back and forth and Jim tries to take the blame for everything so everyone else can go free.

Personal Log: THE GREAT SHATNER IS SO GREAT I CANNOT HANDLE IT.

Trelane is all excited about the fact that he got angry. He doesn’t get why Jim is still angry. Here comes the noose! Trelane is all upset because it’s too easy. Kirk says you’re a fool, Trelane! You’re totally wasting your chance to have some sport!

Personal Log: Captain Kirk is the cleverest of ALL the captains.

He suggests they take their little fight outside for a royal hunt! More hide and seek, hooray! Jim says since I’m letting you play, you should release the Enterprise! Trelane says ok, and Jim tries to call up and tell them to get the ship away as fast as they can. Oh, Jim, you are so awesome, sacrificing your life for your bffls and errbody!!! …too bad the communicator’s not working, boo.

Then he gets Trelane’s sword but can’t even cut him because he disappears! That hardly seems fair! They fight and fight and Jim runs some more. He still can’t get in touch with the ship and here comes Trelane! He puts Jim in a cage! Then he says he’s going to bring EVERYONE down from the ship to kill… I mean, play with. JAMES T. KIRK WILL NOT BE DEFEATED! He breaks Trelane’s sword and slaps him on the face!

Aaaand what is this? Why, it’s a lady glowy orb and a man glowy orb! They say “Trelane, it’s time to come in”. Oh my stars for the love of tribbles, Trelane is A KID!!! Mom and Dad say if you can’t take care of your pets, you can’t play at all. No, Trelane, time to go home! They apologize profusely to Jim, who gets himself back to the Enterprise with due haste. Cheerio and stuff.

On the bridge, Spock wants to know how they should classify Trelane. Jim says he’s a small boy, and a very naughty one at that! Jim talks about how all small boys play mischievous pranks, and then he has to say sorry to Spock for implying that he did, too. It’s funny.

THE END

P.S. I don’t know why Bones wasn’t on the bridge for that tender BFFL moment there at the end, but I’m going to let it slide because The Great Shatner was so great in this episode. Let's just hope it doesn't happen again.

THE END AGAIN